A friend stayed over for one night. We had
a good time talking and walking, preparing and sharing a proper feasty breakfast, and I
enjoyed our conversations. It seems I was able to let go and talk
a-plenty, as she is quite talkative / was on a talkative mood, but
as another friend just challenged my experience of it being “special” or "unusual" I stopped to think about it a bit more. Was I trying to balance out the conversation by
talking a lot even though I may have not been saying much of value?
Was her talkativeness “allowing” me to be talkative as well? Is
the “talkative me” the “real me” or the other way around? Was she just asking the
right questions, pushing the right buttons, even if by accident? I wasn't talkative all
the while, and we allowed silence to exist between us (which was
awesome), but there were some conversations especially during the
night where I noticed myself talking more than usual. Was I simply
nervous? Trying to fill out holes I was spotting, trying to maintain
an image I thought appropriate?
I'm not sure if asking these questions
is getting me anywhere. How do I figure out what actually happened?
Breathe, stop, look around, be honest.
I enjoyed her company. There's a spirit
of acceptance between us, as was during the camp where we met a little while ago; not one born out of
neccessity, but out of caring and kindness. Perhaps it's just that:
because of the spirit we created during the camp, I was less afraid
of being judged, and thus defined her presence as something special,
whereas in reality I am the one creating the experience of being
judged and thus I have the power to stop it. I am able to stop it no
matter who I'm with, so why be selective about it? Why not with
everyone?
Self-forgivement followed:
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be afraid of being judged.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create myself the experience of being judged
not realizing it is within my power as the creator to stop the
experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create the fear of being judged ( = the fear of
not being enough) based on my perception of status, bodily assets,
sexual attraction, abilities, talent, wealth, and a whole lot of other images and expectations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to percieve others as “more than” me and see
myself as “less than” others and thus create the experience of
being judged, ignoring the fact that we're all equal in value and
that no one is “more” or “less”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to limit my expression according to my fear of
being judged.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that talking less means more quality,
value and insight, and that talking more means less quality, value
and insight, when in fact the amount of words is a result of what
happens within the person before the words are said, not the other
way around.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to label people as “safe” and “unsafe”
according to how much I limit myself around them, not realizing that
it is my responsibility to set myself free, not theirs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not assist others to set themselves free by
setting myself free as an example; in this I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to blame my limitations on those
around me instead of realizing I am limiting myself; in this, I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that by clinging to our limitations we don't only limit ourselves but
we also limit all others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as I name the fear of not
being enough “the fear of being judged”, I'm putting all the
blame and responsibility of that issue on others instead of carrying
the responsibility myself.
I commit myself to assist and support
myself to walk my process and thus consequently assist and support
all others as well.
I commit myself to stop, breathe and
redirect myself whenever I notice myself within the fear of not being
enough, as well as all other fears.
I commit myself to carry my
responsibility as the creator of my experience.
I commit myself to carry my
responsibility as a part of the human kind by living my life into and
as an example, realizing that every action and non-action affects
this reality that is shared by us all.
I commit myself to free my expression
by facing, breathing through and dissolving my fears.
