(w)here am I

I have gone through a very interesting process within the past week through certain actions, their consequences and the way they were handled. I have realized what actually happened, how and why it happened the way it did and learned new things about myself and the laws according to which the human mind functions. I will now open it through writing to clarify and internalize.

On Sunday I was faced with fears, some of which I was conscious of and some of which I wasn't. The ones I had been conscious of were of the kind I had been dealing with for some time but without consistency, and I had been hoping the progress I had made thus far would be enough for me to face the situation without addressing the issue with others involved. The ones I had not been conscious of have been opening up little by little during the week as I have been conscious of the issue, and more will probably be revealed as I venture deeper into this issue.

As I decided to leave the issue unaddressed, the situation ended up in confusion. It was not properly discussed immediately after, as we, the participants, didn't stop to clarify what had happened and why. We let it slide out of fear and everything was left unresolved.

The situation was discussed a few days afterwards. I had gone through the discussion in my head beforehand, “rehearsed it” so I would not be misunderstood, and while going through how I would say what I wanted to say I did find an actual point of stability when I realized that I would be able to let go of the ones involved and go on with my life without them; not a resolution I hope for, but one I would be able to face.

As we discussed I gave into fear before the issue was even addressed. I was going to address it directly, yet I didn't, and I waited around for other participants to bring it up and ask me directly – as is visible, the “rehearsing” didn't help at all. I knew what I was going to say even without the mind-preview, as I knew what I was talking about, yet I did not trust myself.

As we discussed, I faced an unexpectedly aggressive reaction from another. I have discussed this issue with others before and depending on the person it has always been handled differently, yet I have never faced a reaction of such rejection before. I reacted to the reaction with a fear I closely relate to the issue at hand – the fear of abandonment. I reacted by becoming “less”. I went with the reaction of the other and validated it by making myself “less”, and experienced guilt, shame and a need to apologize.

After the discussion I was alone in my apartment and felt a crushing need to “fall”: to let myself crumble and turn into a hystericly crying mess. I knew I do not want to allow myself that, as it is an explosion of energy that could be directed otherwise, and as all the emotions driving me towards “falling” are of the kind that can be let go of and handled without crumbling. I forbid myself to collapse and focused on my breathing, and within the act of forbidding I made a mistake – I suppressed the emotion trying to get out and stopped myself from seeing what was actually driving me, and instead I created a new kind of a demon. I got trapped into a state I now call being “possessed by energy”.

As I was focusing on my breathing I really thought I had returned here, but as I could have noticed from my physical symptoms (crying and shaking) I really was not. I tricked myself into believing I was doing ok. I have been introduced to the tool of self-forgiveness and I know it can be used to free myself of anything I face, and as I thought I was ok and as I really wanted to let go of what I was experiencing, I ended up using the tools, but as I noticed afterwards, if utilized from within energy it is nothing but abusing the tools for ones own end, making no real progress nor actual change. I had trapped myself within the energy demon that consisted of a myriad of fears, and from within the fear I tried to face the things I was at the moment blind to. It was useless and led to writing I published on my blog (http://toepoe.blogspot.fi/2012/08/what-your-soul-sings.html).

As the energy psychosis faded I little by little started to see everything that went wrong. I now see that I “failed” even though I know failing is unneccessary on the path of progress. I asked myself what could have been done differently – how could this have been avoided – and realized this is not the question to ask, as the situation could have been settled during the discussion, or on Sunday, or ten years ago in my childhood, or a hundred years ago when our culture was developing – you probably see my point here, as I could go on and on. Things have been leading up to this point for god knows how long.

As I had been going through these realizations I also experienced impatience. I wanted to discuss this stuff through immediately, but then I asked myself why, and realized that there too lies fear: I fear a delay will cause the other to make a decision within which any and every “explanation” I present would not be heard – thus I fear I will be unfairly judged and abandoned – and then I acquired a point of stability from within myself that has been within me from since. If I am not heard even though I speak that which is true in self-honesty without aggression, and if it is not even discussed, then the one who does not hear is not what I am looking for and can be let go of with no remorse.

For a few days I have been assisting myself in maintaining that point of stability and it has been. I didn't sleep for three nights in a row and the fourth was nothing but restless dreams, and the night time when I cease my daily activities is when my mind attacks me, but I have been pulling through surprisingly good even without sleep. (I have been active during the day simply because I have had a lot to do, not because I would be escaping my thoughts – a welcome pause, yes, but I am also conscious of how one could be escaping into work.)

I will turn to self-forgiveness, now knowing my tool better.

family fissionary

Today I had a realization while walking outside: A memory resurfaced from a time three and a half years ago when a major relationship was ending. I recorded it into audio and will now transcribe it into text.


Today, right now I figured out another point. I was thinking about how I broke up with [ex] and [around] that time I had thought to myself: "I would have his children." I made up an image for myself of us having a family, and I stuck to that image, held on to it. And when we broke up, I told him in a very bitter way: "I would have had your children." Actually, no, I didn't tell him that, but that's what I thought [to myself], "I would have had your children", thus implying that it should have been respected, that I was willing to have his children - thus implying he should be grateful if anyone is willing to have his children - thus implying that there is a difference in the value between the two of us - thus implying that there's a difference in the value of a man and a woman and of their reproductive value. And so that statement was invalid in the first place, since there is no difference in the value between any man, any woman, any human being, or their reproductive value (which doesn't exist, pretty much). And thus that whole image of that family, that founded all those invalid statements, was nothing but escapism for me. It was a state of -- It was me trying to find - what I wanted in that family, in that picture of a family, was peace and unity and unconditional love. And also security. Most of all security, as I was very afraid and very insecure and on very fragile ground. Then I realized, that having a family, for many, is escapism. [To add: also escapism from this physical reality and it's problems.] It's creating your own personal heaven, not just between two people [as in a relationship] but between a lot of people, also the kids. The kids contribute to that heaven by being sort of pets, you know, like being there not to be raised but to entertain, to be cute and endearing, whereas I see that a family should be founded on the will to grow. Family should be a foundation for growth.




Most people do know that they're accepting a huge challenge when they start a family: raising children might be the most important thing you'll ever do in your life, since by your influence they will grow up to be full-fledged human beings, with as much will and freedom and ability to act and make a difference than you do. Yet somehow families often seem to turn their backs to the world, living for each other when they could be living for the world, together side by side. I don't want to create a family that lives for itself (or worse, one whose members all live only for themselves). I don't want that image I once had. I think I'm shaping a new one, and yet I'm not sure whether I should be having an image at all. Letting go of creating visions is surprisingly difficult.