fear of falling

Fear of falling. To fear failing in ones attempts. To fall is to let yourself crash; to allow yourself to be what you are not. It is to know better and do it anyway. It is not necessarily manifested as a conscious act of “giving permission”, as the acceptance is given mainly through different forms of energy: emotions, feelings, fears, desires, thoughts. “Falling in love” is to fall. Giving in to vices is to fall. Lying is to fall. To not brush your teeth in the evening is to fall. To get angry is to fall.

As people we fall all the time, even though it is not recommended. We keep on doing it anyway.

I fear falling. I remember having fallen majorly two times in my life: first when I was just around turning 16, second when I was 19. On the surface I fear that which falling has caused in my life before, which is “losing everything”. I have lost people, relationships, money and “my entire world”, but the only “lost” thing that has been valid has been myself. As I have lost myself when falling I have witnessed my whole self crumbling: my abilities to make decisions, control my life, know what is true and stand as an individual have fallen to pieces. As I have lost myself and then fallen, I haven't had anything to stand on – no trust in myself and nothing to believe in – and I have felt “my entire world falling apart”, and believed that feeling to be true. In reality, had I not allowed myself to fall, the happenings that caused me to crash would have been completely manageable. Falling was and is never necessary.

The real reason I fear falling is that I fear I will then appear as something “less”. Losing oneself is, too, a very frightening experience I do not wish to repeat, but if I stay honest with myself, stand within myself as myself and forgive myself what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, I have nothing to be afraid of. I am the foundation I build upon, and I am the one who keeps it together. Within my fear I also find distrust in myself, as I do not trust I could keep myself stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling as I have been afraid I will then appear as something “less” to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear appearing as something “less”, believing that people would then judge me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am judged by others and that their judgement is valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the world as a place where people constantly judge others, especially those who are less, and that it is a game one must participate in to avoid “losing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to have actually been “less” as I have fallen, not realizing my value is always equal to everyone, and that in fact no one is ever “more” or “less”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself as I have fallen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my responsibility to carry myself and direct myself, and that I have thus not lived as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become someone I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the reflection of another – that I have accepted and allowed myself to become what I perceive another person(s) to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live an image I would like to be, instead of realizing what's actually required for change and live accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become another out of fear of not being good enough as I am. (Thus I have not been who I really am and the situation has ended up with me falling.)

I have had a desire to please. I have had such distrust in myself that I have feared I am not “enough” as I really am, and I have adapted to people and situations in a way where I replace myself with an image of someone else (real or imaginary). As what I have seen has only been a perception and not the actual experience and life of another being, what I have made myself into has never been more than an image pasted on myself. The dishonesty I have been living has then accumulated up to a point where I have fallen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not enough, hereby stating that my “value” is measured by some authority outside of me, not realizing the value of human beings is always equal as we are all as much living beings, representatives of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my perception of another to be real, not considering the fact that the subjective experience of each human being is inaccessible by others and thus the reality of ones experience can never be fully understood from the outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to carry myself through every experience by standing within each and every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to direct my life by and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there are experiences that are “too much” and that within those experiences it's ok to fall, when in fact there is no situation I can't handle as I carry myself within and as breath and in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that experiences can be measured on a scale of “more difficult” and “less difficult”, when in fact experiences as themselves are all equal and the feeling of “hardship” is created by how we perceive ourselves to be within that situation, when our perception is also just a perception and not the reality itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my falling by assessing the situation at hand to be “more difficult”.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to find a state of stability from which I can actually live my life by being here in each and every breath.

I commit myself to identify, face, stop, breathe through and redirect the situations where I justify falling, no matter the scale.

I commit myself to face myself in absolute honesty to see and realize what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to build trust in myself as I now see and realize the only one I can or should rely on is myself.

I am rhythm

Started writing this on 22082012, finished today.

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Today I started new dancing lessons on a reputable dance studio. Even though I have been dancing for years, I have avoided these kinds of dance studios, as I had lessons in one when I was in my early teens and found the experience most uncomfortable. Today I saw kids the likes of that young me – scared, withdrawn and constantly evaluating their surroundings on how they ought to appear to be accepted and to be doing it “right”. I realized my earlier experience of that scene was in fact not true: I was perceiving everyone and everything from within my fears, and thus I never faced the situation as it really was. I limited myself, my experience and expression according to what I assumed I ought to be and what I perceived others to be – within seeking for answers by comparing myself to everyone and “losing” in every comparison I built a belief where I “sucked” at dancing, and thus I denied myself the joy of movement, music and sociality and also blocked myself from improving. This block still exists, as I find it very difficult to learn new things when within a certain kind of situation in a dance lesson.

I embrace this opportunity to face and dissolve those fears that still remain from those past years as I poke the edges of my comfort zone further and further away. Also, I get good and enjoyable physical exercise. Win-win!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on learning the movement as movement instead of learning the movement as a picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on how I look to other people when practicing a move instead of focusing on the actual point of the moving – mastering the human body in motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other dancers around me as I dance and consequently lose my focus and end up messing up the moves; I now see and realize that within the act of comparing I live the fear of not being enough, trying to gain visual data of how I “should be” dancing and trying to figure out my “standing” within the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied with the joy of movement and the pursuit of self-mastery, and instead look for validation based on my skills from the group around me – looking for the statement “yes, you are enough” or “yes, you are more than the rest of us”, not wanting to be the worst, as then I would be the “loser”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I look for validation within a group, I am actually living the belief that “I am less than / I am not enough” and also refusing to be the one to change that, abandoning my resposnsibility of myself, thinking that the experience of “less than” is the others' fault – that the others are mean, obnoxius, cold, unaccepting and cruel for not giving me the validation I need to feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not carry my responsibility of my own experience as the creator and director of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “less than” others based on how I perceived myself to be compared to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my experience of inability, claiming they have been bringing me down when in fact I have been the one limiting my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot change, as I have lived fear, thus failed at my unreasonable attempts and refused to try again. I now see and realize I have set the bar too high – I should have not set a bar at all if it's based on how other people appear to me and if I determine my goals based only on that perception and the fear of losing. Instead, I should have learned to listen to my body and train according to it's pace with consistency and patience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the dance scene to be shallow, competitive and vicious based on my limited childhood experience of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle and despise the people participating in the dance scene within the belief that everyone that participates is shallow, competitive and vicious, limiting my point of view to that of pure malice and spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the people I have met at the dance scene as who they really are, and to instead view them through and from within my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give those people a chance to show themselves as they really are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make dancing difficult for myself by allowing my focus to not be in the movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mess up the movement by focusing on what the movement should look like instead of being within my body and figuring out how I should be utilizing my body to create the movement in its essence.

I commit myself to focus on movement as it really is: a state where I am fully within myself and in control of every part of my body.

I commit myself to face the dance lessons as the situation really is: a group of people with different motivations, fears, hopes and backgrounds with a goal that is somewhat similar. Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself and others to recreate the situation into something that is a solid and fearless learning environment for all.

I commit myself to face and let go of my fear of being judged.

I commit myself to face and let go of my fear of losing.

I commit myself to listen to my body to determine what kind of a challenge is required for improvement to take place – everything may not be possible at once. I commit myself to move forward with my own pace one step at a time, fearless of challenge yet conscious of my body's current state with complete self-honesty.

I commit myself to carry full responsibility of my own experience and the consequences thereof.

On body issues

I've been writing this list of self-forgiveness all day. I think I could go on an on, and probably will as I'm not nearly done with the process here, but I guess this is a good chunk to start with.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the body I'm in, the tool through which I am present, participating in and manifesting life in this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refer to myself in the second person, to speak to myself as “you”, to separate myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my body is the way it is – whatever it happens to be at the moment, as it never has and never will be as good as any ideal I can come up with – I will not be accepted and loved by the people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my body is the way it is, I will never receive desired attention, admiration, acceptance, love, tenderness, companionship or sex from anyone – a fear of ending up alone – a fear of not being enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am constantly being judged by other people according to my physical appearance, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others perceive me and how they react to what they perceive, and due to this defend myself by hiding, escaping, attacking, masking myself, wearing roles and characters to take the punches instead of baring myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my “real” self as too vulnerable and weak to be exposed – too easy a target – and thus believe I am “forced” to hide myself under masks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my body and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to violently abuse myself physically by hitting, kicking, scratching, tearing, biting, starving, cutting, burning, freezing and neglecting the needs of my physical being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to violently abuse myself mentally by insulting, belittling, demeaning, limiting, tormenting and suppressing myself within and as my thoughts, speech and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that creating an ideal for yourself is a good way to motivate yourself to improve yourself, not realizing that the created ideal itself is an image forged by the mind and that reality is not an image and cannot be forced to function like a two-dimension imitation of itself, especially in the process of change and growth which can lead you to pretty much anywhere due to the unpredictable nature of life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal for myself not realizing that if it were attained I would create a new one and the cycle of self-hate and self-abuse would just keep on going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the key to changing myself is not in realizing what I want to become but accepting that which I am now as the present me and figuring out what is actually required for change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my interpretations of my childhood experiences even though I'm not a child anymore and haven't had a second look at what I experienced and what actually happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my beliefs about my body have not been taught to me as I have interpreted them – I am responsible for the warped way I have been looking at my experiences as an insecure pre-teen and for the way I have allowed myself to continue believing what that child-me grew to believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse my family members of the way I interpreted their words and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the world to be what I was taught it to be and my childhood interpretation of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the social world to be what I was taught it to be and my childhood interpretation of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to pressuring when questioning what was taught to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the people I had granted “authority” to know “better than me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape my body and become frustrated and violate myself when I couldn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the reflection in the mirror – the two-dimensional picture that poses – a one woman show of a myriad of characters I believe to be what I am and what others want to see – not realizing none of this is actual life itself, but a mere visual representation of a one certain dimension of countless dimensions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the girl in the photograph.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the text I write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the books I read.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the music I listen to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the people I know and the people I meet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life and define myself through images such as the ones mentioned above, not realizing none of this is life but merely a documentation of it, documentations never being life itself as here, breathing and present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and not credit the change that has already occurred in my physical being due to months and years of consistent changes in my lifestyle, and crave for fast results instead of realizing that permanent change may be slow – I have rapidly lost weight before, but it has never lasted for more than a few months.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there's something wrong with my body for not losing any fat even though I'm exercising, ignoring the fact that my body is very healthy in spite of the excess fat and that getting rid of the fat is no longer a health issue but an aesthetical one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly live in the future instead of being here – envisioning what I want to become instead of facing what I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the current beauty ideal of our culture is the way I ought to be to be accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that women are perceived to have no other value than their looks, thus believing I have no value as, when comparing to those who are considered “most” beautiful, I “lose”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that everyone and everything is beautiful as it is, as life, and that cultural definitions and hierarchies of beauty are arbitrary and meaningless as they are based on images alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define beauty as visual information and aesthetics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not fit the visual and aesthetical standards of our (or any) culture, I cannot be considered beautiful, not realizing beauty is about life itself instead of mind-images such as visual, audial or other kinds of processed sensory information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my looks and other physical traits to every woman I meet and see to determine whether I'm “winning” or “losing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the competitiveness built into the social culture of women as “natural”, that it is ok as long as I'm not the worst and last pick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my looks determine whether I will ever get the chance to approach the people I consider attractive, or, in fact, whether the ones I consider attractive will ever “notice” me and take the initiative so I wouldn't have to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my responsibility of initiating social interaction in the fear that I will be rejected, not realizing that we all carry the same fear and if I don't change myself the way we interact won't change either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of certain parts of my body in particular, not considering my body as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the parts of my body I am ashamed of by morphing my body and stature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the parts of my body I am ashamed of by wearing clothes that cover up those body parts.

- tarkennus 17082012: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the parts of my body I am ashamed of by wearing clothes that cover up those body parts; in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as “superficial” (putting some effort into the way I look / what kind of visual information I send) whenever wearing/choosing clothes that suit my body, completely ignoring the fact that it may also be a purely aesthetical action based on the fact that certain clothes support certain body types better than others, and that clothing, too, can be a form of self-expression. To ignore the way one looks would be abandoning an essential part of this reality; to wear clothes that fit and function is not a limitation but a support - when that support, clothing, entwines with fear (obsession, insecurity, self-hatred, duty, expectations, demands, you name it) it becomes a limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what shame actually is – my fear of being judged by others – my fear of not being enough – me not accepting myself – me not being here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly worry about my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn certain ways of standing or sitting that “look cool”; in other words, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pose as an image instead of being here as myself expressing myself freely through my physical being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at myself “from the outside”, as an observer who criticizes and judges, instead of being here within myself behind my eyes, not realizing that what the observer “sees” is just an image in my head, as I cannot actually look at myself from outside my head.

I commit myself to accept my physical body as it is.

I commit myself to notice, stop, face, examine, breathe through and release my fears.

I commit myself to stop abusing myself and instead treat myself with kindness, gentleness, forgiveness and love.

I commit myself to notice, stop, face, examine, breathe through and release all of my mind-images, including the ones about my body and others'.

I commit myself to carry full responsibility of myself, my process of change and my thoughts, words and actions.

I commit myself to live patience and consistency.

I commit myself to always consider the state of my body's well-being as a whole.

I commit myself to stand fearless within myself as myself.

These excuses / how they've served me well

A friend stayed over for one night. We had a good time talking and walking, preparing and sharing a proper feasty breakfast, and I enjoyed our conversations. It seems I was able to let go and talk a-plenty, as she is quite talkative / was on a talkative mood, but as another friend just challenged my experience of it being “special” or "unusual" I stopped to think about it a bit more. Was I trying to balance out the conversation by talking a lot even though I may have not been saying much of value? Was her talkativeness “allowing” me to be talkative as well? Is the “talkative me” the “real me” or the other way around? Was she just asking the right questions, pushing the right buttons, even if by accident? I wasn't talkative all the while, and we allowed silence to exist between us (which was awesome), but there were some conversations especially during the night where I noticed myself talking more than usual. Was I simply nervous? Trying to fill out holes I was spotting, trying to maintain an image I thought appropriate?

I'm not sure if asking these questions is getting me anywhere. How do I figure out what actually happened?

Breathe, stop, look around, be honest.

I enjoyed her company. There's a spirit of acceptance between us, as was during the camp where we met a little while ago; not one born out of neccessity, but out of caring and kindness. Perhaps it's just that: because of the spirit we created during the camp, I was less afraid of being judged, and thus defined her presence as something special, whereas in reality I am the one creating the experience of being judged and thus I have the power to stop it. I am able to stop it no matter who I'm with, so why be selective about it? Why not with everyone?

Self-forgivement followed:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself the experience of being judged not realizing it is within my power as the creator to stop the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the fear of being judged ( = the fear of not being enough) based on my perception of status, bodily assets, sexual attraction, abilities, talent, wealth, and a whole lot of other images and expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to percieve others as “more than” me and see myself as “less than” others and thus create the experience of being judged, ignoring the fact that we're all equal in value and that no one is “more” or “less”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression according to my fear of being judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that talking less means more quality, value and insight, and that talking more means less quality, value and insight, when in fact the amount of words is a result of what happens within the person before the words are said, not the other way around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label people as “safe” and “unsafe” according to how much I limit myself around them, not realizing that it is my responsibility to set myself free, not theirs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assist others to set themselves free by setting myself free as an example; in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my limitations on those around me instead of realizing I am limiting myself; in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by clinging to our limitations we don't only limit ourselves but we also limit all others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I name the fear of not being enough “the fear of being judged”, I'm putting all the blame and responsibility of that issue on others instead of carrying the responsibility myself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to walk my process and thus consequently assist and support all others as well.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and redirect myself whenever I notice myself within the fear of not being enough, as well as all other fears.

I commit myself to carry my responsibility as the creator of my experience.

I commit myself to carry my responsibility as a part of the human kind by living my life into and as an example, realizing that every action and non-action affects this reality that is shared by us all.

I commit myself to free my expression by facing, breathing through and dissolving my fears.