"Words are tears that have been written down. Tears are words that need to be shed. Without them, joy loses all its brilliance and sadness has no end."

torstai 30. elokuuta 2012

Passive Progressive


I am going to try and identify all the ways I manifest passiveness. Passiveness is to abandon responsibility, give up control and to not act. Within the three stages of expression – thought, speech and action – I manifest passiveness in every one. I am a slow personality, yet that has nothing to do with passiveness – to be active is not to be hyperactive.

- I suppress myself a lot. I suppress my thoughts, not allowing myself to even think certain stuff. I suppress what I experience within myself by not allowing myself to speak it out loud – I hide – I fear the reaction I will rouse by expressing myself without hesitation, as I faced rejection and abandonment in my childhood. I suppress my actions even if I am able to deliver the word through the fear of consequences, as my actions have caused me to face rejection and abandonment during my teenage years.

- I am passive in decision making. I do take some control over my life, but in the end I always leave it up to something beyond me, be it an authority, god, the universe, someone else. Within this I do not realize I am everything as everything is equal, and that my life manifests what I actually do with it, not what I wait around for. The reason I've been standing still for years is the fact that I have not taken directive control over my life.

- I am passive in relationships. From within the fear of losing control I give up all control – from within the fear of losing someone I give up all control – from within the fear of ending up alone I give up all control. I suppress thoughts as I am afraid that they might lead to the end of a relationship, for example by being of a controversial nature (I fear thoughts that question the existence of the relationship or the basic foundation of it, as I fear it will lead to the conclusion that the relationship should end, when in fact all this could actually just strengthen it if faced); I suppress speech as I don't trust myself to be able to deliver my thoughts correctly, which would lead to misunderstanding and conflict and the relationship ending and me being alone; I suppress action as I fear failure and embarrasment and don't trust myself to not abuse myself because of failure.

- I am passive in public, unless overcome by emotion. Any situation that could happen on the “common ground” - streets, shops, public transport, libraries, etc. - is for me a passive one, unless an interaction within customer service, where as a customer I see it very easy for me to converse as if there were no boundaries. It is only an illusion – I have only met one salesperson that was willing to step out of her working character and discard all the norms of a buyer-seller-interaction (and within that situation, too, she was the one taking initiative). The illusion of comfort is very fragile and easily shattered. I haven't been deliberately breaking it, though, and within that inaction I have passively allowed the fakey norms to keep on existing. The passiveness of public interaction probably comes just from that, norms, the rules we ought to obey to keep the society from going into complete chaos (lol), and the fact that if one id afraid, it is very comfortable to stay within them. I have to go and face this in the flesh. I have been afraid, but I will be that no longer.

- I am passive within friendships. Most of the time I wait around for activities, suggestions and conversations within existing friendships. I'm also very passive in making new friends. Lately I have been facing the odd fears I have considering people I have met but am not familiar with, such as people I have not been “properly” introduced to. It has to do with social conventions of not knowing “where we stand” in relation to each other and the fear of possibly being “less than” the other.

- I am passive within certain social circles, such as my family. It is not complete passiveness and self-abandonment, but it does still exist on some level, as I have allowed its existence by explaining it with group dynamics and “different personalities” ( = bullshit). My family is the first and firmest validator of my “core personality”, which I have come to believe is fundamentally passive, and they are the ones that allow me to be that way and I fear I might even be rejected if I change. I'm not taking into consideration here the fact that I have already changed extensively and yet they accept me.

- I am passive with myself. Even though self-improvement has taken place, there are still many things about myself I have refused to face and continue to explain with a bunch of excuses. I still wait around for others to give me feedback so I could determine whether I'm going to the right direction or not, instead of deciding that for myself by myself. I am not doing things for myself but for others, and within this I constantly limit myself and my expression and slow down my progress.

what your soul sings

EDIT: Wrote some more after this, shorter and probably more comprehensible than what lies beyond. http://toepoe.blogspot.fi/2012/08/passive-progressive.html

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I have just gone through an extensive realization, videologged an hour of my speech and transcribed it for the past two hours. I'm still not sure whether posting the whole log (a wall of text) is a good idea, even if cleaned up a bit, as I'm not sure if anyone will find it a good read at all, but I think I'll post it anyway just as a reminder to myself. I'm gonna have to do a lot more writing on this subject but I'm kicking this subject to a start.

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I am here and I carry myself and I am breathing through an emotional state I call “being shaken”. I just breathed through this. I was about to fall and crumble, but I was able to breathe my way through it and stop it and let go of it. I asked myself for permission to fall and I didn't give it. This is a point I am gonna have to face – rephrase: This is a point I am now facing by myself as myself within myself, not relying on someone else, not blaming others, carrying my responsibility and seeing myself as I am and as I have been. Also slowing myself down to stay here in breath and to stay factual and to let go of all emotions that may occur. I felt the need to fall because I now have to face a point that is very-- I was going to stay “very deep within me”, but I now rephrase: I'm going to face a point I have believed to be a fundamental part of me, and that it is what I am and who I am. I have believed this to be true and I have believed this to be something that cannot be changed. 

The point in hand is the point of being passive vs. being active. I have believed that I am passive, that I am silent, non-talkative, quiet and withdrawn, and that it is ok and that it is a sign of me being more than others. I have glorified those attributes because they have been what's been keeping me safe. Within being quiet I have been safe from my fear of saying something stupid and thus appearing to others as something they can judge, as something "less than". Within being silent and non-talkative I have lived the illusion that being silent is the sign of wisdom and insight and great knowledge, that it is wisdom to speak rarely, that to speak quality requires that you speak rarely, whereas I have seen this fact to be untrue with other people. I have met talkative people that talk very relevant points and rarely any bullshit. And as I am no different from any other human being, as we are all the same, I am no exception to that. I too can be active, for example, when discussing, and, okay, I was going to say “appear wise, appear clever, say smart things”, but the point is not that, the point is self-expression. And as I have lived myself in situations within certain circumstances where I do express without any fear, I express constantly, I express as myself - I have experienced this within theatre - I know that my nature, too, is not, at least in every situation, to be silent, to be passive. 

There may be a time for being active and for being passive, I'm not sure about that point yet, I'm not sure whether it's valid, but I will try it and figure out. I hereby commit myself to face the situations I have usually faced with being passive by facing them anew through being active. There are many of those situations, as most of my interactions with people have been of the passive kind. I constantly wait to be drawn in. I wait for someone else to initiate. I wait for someone else to direct, abandoning my own self-directed nature; I am the director of my life and my experience. And if I give that responsibility away every time I interact with people, then I'm not directing my experiene, I'm abandoning all control. I have been facing this point in different situations lately, and I am now committing myself to facing it. I'm right now thinking that it's a big point, but instead of making the point any bigger than it actually is, it is just a point, I'm now rephrasing to say it's a vast one that connects with a multitude of points, and that it's a point that's going to require some consistency to work. Not some consistency, all consistency, and commitment and realization [the act of making real, bringing to reality]. 

I'm gonna have to face – no rephrase: I face right now the fact that I am only myself, I cannot rely on anyone else, no one else has responsibility over me, I am the only one with responsibility over myself. That means that I have got to – rephrasing: that I am taking control. That means I take control, I am in control. That means I take active steps in facing, stopping, breathing through, redirecting and releasing the situations. Will do self-forgiveness: 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being passive is an essential part of who I am and what I am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify passiveness within my fear of being active. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the reasons behind my fear of being active. 

Sidenote: I didn't address this at all just now, I'm glad it opened up. I fear being active because I fear the consequences of it. When I was a child I used to be very active and I expressed myself freely without fear. But at school I learned that if I express myself freely I will be ridiculed, abandoned, mocked and looked down upon. My freedom of expression made the other girls, other kids, shun me, and consequently I spent a chilhood and most of my teenage years in solitude and loneliness. It begun as loneliness, and as I adjusted as a teenager it became solitude, which I glorified to be able to make my way through it, to make it bearable; to make loneliness bearable I glorified it, I lifted myself above those who were active. Passiveness was somehow a superior trait. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being passive is a superior trait compared to being active. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label every avctive person as reckless or stupid or restless from within my fear of never being able to-- it has been jealousy as I have been afraid that I will never be able to express myself in the way that they do [a point of separation]. 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing people as I have avoided facing this point. Right now it affects me at this moment very much – rephrase, erase the “very much”, it affects me – that I have been avoiding this point and some other points that are linked to this, and I have avoided them at the expence of others that have been involved, and I have experienced shame, regret, guilt – breathing through it all [right now] – and I have wanted to apologize, but then I have remembered the best apology I can ever make is to never do that again. So I have been afraid to face this point. I haven't really had the tools, but I haven't been looking for them either. And right now it bothers me cause I am afraid of losing someone I care about because of the fact that I have been escaping this point. And within that fear I have also just wanted to get this thing overwith, just so I wouldn't have to lose this person, but within the fear of losing someone I state that I need that person, that I wouldn't be able to be without that person, or that that person is somehow required for me to continue living, which is not true, which I know very well. And as I am here as breath it is quite obvious that there is no one but me. And the best apoloqy I can make is to actually face this point the best I can. And the best I can is all, and I can do all, as I am everything. Now that I got that said, I will try to go on. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the belief that I am what I am and cannot and should not change, as I have learned from the norms dictating the flow of life around me. 

A song started to play in my head, a song I listened to today, What Your Soul Sings by Massive Attack. It has very good lyrics. It's about realizing that change is about rearranging your mind, and realizing that the one you love is you. To me that means that the only thing you'll ever love is you, that everything here is the same, everything is you, you are everything. Once you get there, it's when your soul sings. [soul singing can also be associated with self-expression] And the song is also about letting go, and now it's playing in my head. Fitting. And it somehow moves me, as I am in the emotional state I call shaken. It came to my head quite involuntarily, yet not coincidentally. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be active within certain circumstances. These circumstances now mean certain settings where I have felt safe. There have been more than one, there is one major one, that is the theatre I have been in for the past 13 years. Even though in that theatre as well it took me a long while to learn that trust. I have also had a relationship where I was able to express myself quite freely. Not completely without fear, but it was a place where I felt free, somewhat free, more free than with other people. I made that relationship special by allowing myself things within it I wouldn't have allowed with other people. So yes, I have allowed myself to express myself freely only within certain circumstances, not realizing I could do that all the time, that it is the natural state of being where life actually is, that that state of expression is what is actually here [a point of honesty]. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express myself freely with everyone everywhere in every situation from within the fear of not measuring up, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of not being enough, the fear of ending up alone, the fear of being with myself, the fear of facing myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing myself for all my life until now. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame those who abandoned me, or manifested the situation where I experienced abandonment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive those people hoping they might feel guilt, and that that guilt might redeem what they did to me, within all this completely ignoring the fact that I am responsible of my experience. I have full responsibility of how I direct my life and my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the definition of myself I have made as I child as I have suppressed myself to fit a certain character, a certain role, a certain mold, a certain form. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this issue a “big one”, to name it big, to give it an adjective that states it is of a large size, when in fact it is just another point that is equal to all of my points, and that releasing it is behind the same effort as every other point. This issue is not big, it simply is. It exists and as I release it it will no longer exist. And that's how simple it is. And I forgive myself that within the process of making it bigger, making it “more than”, I have accepted and allowed myself to create more resistance towards it than towards other points I have been facing, thus making it harder myself by creating more resistance. 

Now, the thing with the definition is something that is new to me, but it's making very much sense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as a human being equal to everyone else my expression can be anything at all, anything I desire and anything it actually becomes, not following any pattern or any image or any norm. I haven't realized that I can actually be whatever I want to. The definition of me being passive has been so, uh, unquestioned by me and by everyone else that I've never had to face it, and I have always blamed it on someone else. I have blamed it on the world instead of facing the fact that I have been limiting myself from expressing myself freely, from mastering the human nature. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression based on what I believe  that I fundamentally am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am fundamentally passive and that there's nothing I can do about it, and within all this abandoning all responsibility of my own experience and directing my own experience and my own life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world, blame everyone else for my passiveness. No, not for my passiveness, but I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everyone else of the negative experiences I have had, so that I wouldn't have to face that it is because of the way I limit myself to be passive and not active. 

I will do private SF on specific points, but this is now a transcript that's going to be public. Is this fucing real? Okay, emotion, reaction, breathe. Right now I am honestly quite amazed about how I have been missing this point all this time. I'm having an emotional reaction where I am experiencing frustration and simple surprisement, but I am actually bewildered that I have missed this point for so long, when it's actually really simple. I am very, very relieved. Joy. It's actually very simple. Wow. 

It's about choosing as well. Or is it? Is being active and being passive, is that a choice? Is all passiveness just a limitation? Is it now? Why am I passive? Is there a state where being passive would be a natural expression? Being is passive is shutting down, it's being withdrawn, it's being within oneself, it's not acting, not speaking, not taking one's space. Now that I look at it, it's very... you have all the access to yourself within yourself, yes, you may explore what's within you to a certain extent, without being “bothered” by what's outside of you, but that kind of a state of being will only get you that far, as you are not alone in this world. I am not alone in this world, and I cannot fully experience it and I cannot fully act within it if I am only within myself. One has got to come out eventually, there is only so much one can do within oneself. 

I commit myself to face my passiveness by noticing and stopping it whenever I notice I am being passive, and by looking at it, [identifying it,] facing it, breathing through it, redirecting it and letting go of it. 

I commit myself to change myself within the situations I am usually passive in by facing the reasons I am being passive, most likely fears, by dealing with those fears, and trying out what being active would bring me. 

I commit myself to experiment with activeness. I know that so far within my adult life I haven't faced a situation where being active would actually have brought me harm, whereas being passive has. So now I commit myself, this is fun [laughter]. I accept this challenge! Fuck it! I commit myself to replace my passiveness with activeness within every situation to see whether being active would actually bring more results, or more favourable results, or more concrete results than being passive. I'm going to try this to see whether being active would actually assist my progress instead of holding it back like passiveness does. [laughter] Oh god this is so obvious! So obvious. I know right? How have I been missing this point? 

What does commitment mean? Commitment means to give myself fully. It's not about giving up oneself. It's about giving the full resources I have and I am to the purpose of achieving whatever it is your committing to. So it's not about surrendering. It is about making a decision, directing your resources, directing your energy towards whatever it is you want to achieve. And yes, I'm terrified to do this. No, that's again another superlative. I am scared, but it is yet another fear, just a fear among fears. And I have conquered a many fears, and the fear of being active is just another fear, one and equal to all the rest. It just happenes to touch a many things in my life, most of the things in my life. It is going to require me a lot of stopping, a lot of very self-conscious actions; it is going to require that I commit myself to being here in every situation. If I am not here in every situation then I will not make any progress. I will never face the situations as they are, and I will stay within the frame of that situation and within the illusion of that situation. 

I have been avoiding facing this point for a long time at the expence of others. And myself, it's also a form of self-abuse. But it has affected other people extensively. I commit myself to carry full responsibility of the consequences of my actions and inactions, the consequences of my avoidance. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause harm, be it insecurity, ignorance, uncertainty, whatever [this point requires more opening up] to another being because of my fear of facing myself and taking responsibility. I forgive myself for that. I still regret it very much, but I know realize there is nothing I can do about past events, no matter how recent, and that the best apology I can make is to live it. Not by being sorry all the time, but through actual change. And through actual change I will release the prisoners I have been holding, the prisoners that are all in the end just me. I will also release all the hatred and bitterness I've carried towards others for actions that have been caused, for example, by ignorance that has been caused by my dishonesty. It feels really bad to say that, but I now realize that has been the case. 

I commit myself to change. I commit myself to change the way I am in situations to see whether it works or not. I commit myself to change who I am and I commit myself to release myself from the belief that my essence is of a certain attribute, when in fact my essence is in humanity, my essence is basically a void, my essence is the same as everyone's, there's nothing else. And that is such a relief.

maanantai 27. elokuuta 2012

I am rhythm


Started writing this on 22082012, finished today.

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Today I started new dancing lessons on a reputable dance studio. Even though I have been dancing for years, I have avoided these kinds of dance studios, as I had lessons in one when I was in my early teens and found the experience most uncomfortable. Today I saw kids the likes of that young me – scared, withdrawn and constantly evaluating their surroundings on how they ought to appear to be accepted and to be doing it “right”. I realized my earlier experience of that scene was in fact not true: I was perceiving everyone and everything from within my fears, and thus I never faced the situation as it really was. I limited myself, my experience and expression according to what I assumed I ought to be and what I perceived others to be – within seeking for answers by comparing myself to everyone and “losing” in every comparison I built a belief where I “sucked” at dancing, and thus I denied myself the joy of movement, music and sociality and also blocked myself from improving. This block still exists, as I find it very difficult to learn new things when within a certain kind of situation in a dance lesson.

I embrace this opportunity to face and dissolve those fears that still remain from those past years as I poke the edges of my comfort zone further and further away. Also, I get good and enjoyable physical exercise. Win-win!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on learning the movement as movement instead of learning the movement as a picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on how I look to other people when practicing a move instead of focusing on the actual point of the moving – mastering the human body in motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other dancers around me as I dance and consequently lose my focus and end up messing up the moves; I now see and realize that within the act of comparing I live the fear of not being enough, trying to gain visual data of how I “should be” dancing and trying to figure out my “standing” within the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied with the joy of movement and the pursuit of self-mastery, and instead look for validation based on my skills from the group around me – looking for the statement “yes, you are enough” or “yes, you are more than the rest of us”, not wanting to be the worst, as then I would be the “loser”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I look for validation within a group, I am actually living the belief that “I am less than / I am not enough” and also refusing to be the one to change that, abandoning my resposnsibility of myself, thinking that the experience of “less than” is the others' fault – that the others are mean, obnoxius, cold, unaccepting and cruel for not giving me the validation I need to feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not carry my responsibility of my own experience as the creator and director of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “less than” others based on how I perceived myself to be compared to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my experience of inability, claiming they have been bringing me down when in fact I have been the one limiting my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot change, as I have lived fear, thus failed at my unreasonable attempts and refused to try again. I now see and realize I have set the bar too high – I should have not set a bar at all if it's based on how other people appear to me and if I determine my goals based only on that perception and the fear of losing. Instead, I should have learned to listen to my body and train according to it's pace with consistency and patience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the dance scene to be shallow, competitive and vicious based on my limited childhood experience of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle and despise the people participating in the dance scene within the belief that everyone that participates is shallow, competitive and vicious, limiting my point of view to that of pure malice and spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the people I have met at the dance scene as who they really are, and to instead view them through and from within my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give those people a chance to show themselves as they really are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make dancing difficult for myself by allowing my focus to not be in the movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mess up the movement by focusing on what the movement should look like instead of being within my body and figuring out how I should be utilizing my body to create the movement in its essence.



I commit myself to focus on movement as it really is: a state where I am fully within myself and in control of every part of my body.

I commit myself to face the dance lessons as the situation really is: a group of people with different motivations, fears, hopes and backgrounds with a goal that is somewhat similar. Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself and others to recreate the situation into something that is a solid and fearless learning environment for all.

I commit myself to face and let go of my fear of being judged.

I commit myself to face and let go of my fear of losing.

I commit myself to listen to my body to determine what kind of a challenge is required for improvement to take place – everything may not be possible at once. I commit myself to move forward with my own pace one step at a time, fearless of challenge yet conscious of my body's current state with complete self-honesty.

I commit myself to carry full responsibility of my own experience and the consequences thereof.

maanantai 13. elokuuta 2012

Erakko / The Hermit


"I inhabit the constant and await my end,
Content to dwell in peace, accepting the flux of things.
I only regret that there is no kindred spirit here
to climb this ladder of sky and clouds with me."
Hsieh Ling-yün

Kolmisen vuotta sitten kävin ystäväni kanssa taidenäyttelyssä. Taiteilija oli tutkinut eri uskontoja ja erinäisiä mystiikan koulukuntia, ja mukana oli muun muassa tarot-kortteja käsittelevä valokuvateos. Itse näyttely ei tehnyt minuun kovin suurta vaikutusta, sillä tutkimusmatka tuntui jättäneen lähinnä pintapuolisen vaikutuksen taiteilijaan jättäen täten hänen teoksensakin vaille syvyyttä, mutta näyttelyssä oli myös osio, jossa sai laskea syntymäaikansa mukaan oman nimikkokorttinsa tarot-pakasta. Minun tulokseni oli Suurten Salaisuuksien yhdeksäs kortti: Erakko. Reaktioni oli ensin tyrmistys, että tämäkö on minun “kohtaloni”, universumi? Kaikista koko pakan korteista minun syntymäaikani määrittää minut Erakoksi? Seuraavaksi käännyin kapinaan: Minä elän itseni irti kohtalostani, todistan numerot vääräksi, kumoan ennustukset. Minä kieltäydyn. Voin valita olla erakko, mutta kukaan älköön minua siihen tuomitko.

Tässä jätin kokonaan huomioimatta sen, mikä ajoi minut kieltämään “kohtalona” pitämäni määritellyn roolin: pelko siitä, että se toteutuu. Jos pelkoa ei olisi ollut, olisin voinut päästää irti koko käsitteestä, mutta sen sijaan takerruin pelkooni ja istutin sen kiinni elämääni.

Erakkous on ollut läsnä elämässäni jo pitkään. Lapsena eristäydyin muista ihmisistä tultuani kiusatuksi, ja olen vetäytynyt entistä syvemmälle itseeni pitkin nuoruuttani. Yksinolo muodostui normaaliksi olotilaksi, josta opin nauttimaan; yksinäisyys pakolliseksi haitaksi, johon minulla itselläni ei ollut vaikutusvaltaa. Olen ollut varhaisesta lapsuudesta alkaen hyvin sulkeutunut ja tullut toimeen itsenäisesti, ja ympäristöni on oppinut määrittelemään sen ominaisuuden siksi, mitä minä “olen” - “Emmi nyt vain on tuollainen”. Olen oppinut hyväksymään erakon maineeni, koska ympäristönikin on määritellyt minut sellaiseksi. Olen kuitenkin pitkään tiedostanut sen haitat ja yrittänyt löytää keinoja työstää itseäni siitä irti. Siksi reagoin turhautuneisuudella laskiessani Erakon omaksi kortikseni: eikö tämä leima, rooli ja taakka lakkaa ikinä vainoamasta minua? Toisin sanoen: Onko minun kohtaloni olla ikuisesti yksin?

Olen sen jälkeen alkanut sisäistää ajatuksen siitä, että me olemme kaikki lopulta yksin – syntymässä ja kuolemassa kukin on yksin, vailla ihmisiä ja omaisuutta, vain sinä mitä todella on. Jokaisen “kohtalo” on siis todellakin olla yksin, vaan ei siinä mielessä kuin sen alunperin mielsin. Tämän elämän läpi ei täydy kulkea kantaen yksinäisyyttä, mutta yksinäisyyttä ei karkoiteta keräämällä ympärilleen ihmisiä, sillä yksinäisyyden alkupiste on ihmisessä itsessään: jos etsii jatkuvasti seuraa, koska itsensä kanssa oleminen on “tylsää” eli virikkeetöntä ja epämiellyttävää, etsii vain jotakin, joka harhauttaisi oman huomionsa pois siitä, ettei osaa kohdata omaa itseänsä ja olla itsensä seurassa. Kun ottaa huomioon sen, että ihmisen todellinen luonne syntymän ja kuoleman vinkkelistä on olla yksin, ja että kukaan meistä ei pääse toisen ihmisen pään sisälle, vaan ainoastaan omansa, tuntuu loogiselta se, että ihmisen luonne olentona on olla yksin – yksi suurimpia haasteita ja oppiläksyjä tässä elämässä, jossa on kovin helppoa unohtua nauttimaan kaikista hurmaavista persoonista paitsi itsestään (joka taas ei ole pohjimmiltaan lainkaan persoona eli naamio).

Todellisuudessa pelkoni “yksin jäämisestä” on edelleen itseni pelkäämistä ja itseltäni pakenemista. Tiedän, että en voi todellisuudessa jäädä milloinkaan yksin, sillä kun olen läsnä itsessäni itseni hyväksyen olen aina “itseni kanssa”, ja kun olen auki maailmalle se aukeaa minulle. Kun takerrun pelkooni yksin jäämisestä kieltäydyn hyväksymästä omaa “seuraani” sellaisena kuin se on, suljen itseni maailmalta ja elämältä, ja täten en myöskään hyödynnä täyttä potentiaaliani ihmisolentona kieltämällä oman olemassaoloni luonteen.

Tämä pelko näkyy edelleen esimerkiksi hetkissä, joissa keskustelen toisen ihmisen kanssa, mutta jätän jotakin kertomatta – tällöin pelkään sen, minkä jätän kertomatta, olevan jotakin “tuomittavaa” tai “likaista”, jota en halua toisten kohtaavan, etteivät he tuomitse ja hylkää minua – ja hylätyksi tulemisen pelko on yksin jäämisen pelkoa. Usein nämä pienet kertomatta ja jakamatta jätetyt asiat ovat sellaisia, joita en myöskään itse halua kohdata itsessäni.

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Itseanteeksianto / self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it is my “destiny” to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it is in my nature / an essential part of “who I am” to be introverted, withdrawn, quiet and solitary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the personality ( = mask) which I and my surroundings have defined to be introverted, withdrawn, quiet and solitary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “rebel” against this “destiny” by denying it and refusing to accept what it means, not realizing that by doing so I bind myself to it and to its consequences (loneliness, sadness, anxiety, addiction, depression).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is a “high judge” called “the universe” that has the power to rule me and decide my “destiny” for me instead of realizing I am the creator of my own experience and the director of my life, creating my own “destiny” as I walk through life within each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is a thing called “destiny” - a goal at the end of my life that has been decided for me beyond my comprehension and without the consent of my current consciousness – and that I have accepted and allowed myself to act accordingly, without directing and taking responsibility of my own life, right here and now within and as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “destiny” as an excuse to follow certain paths that felt good but led to nothing concrete without exploring all the other paths available and questioning the one I was walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been driven into solitude by fear, that I have held onto it because of fear and that staying within the solitude will allow the fear to keep on existing; within this I realize I must step out and let go of solitude in order to face and free myself of the fear that drove me into solitude in the first place – the fear of being judged – the fear of not being enough – the fear of ending up alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the fear that drove me into solitude to be valid – that the social world is based on ugly competition, and that it is ok for me to “protect” myself from the punches by closing myself up within my shell; in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel “safe” within my unpenetrable shell of not-sharing, not-talking, not-communicating and not-participating, not realizing I am alienating and separating myself from myself and life, thus growing all the more “vulnerable” and unable to face the world outside my shell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping out of my shell because I have been afraid I'm not able to face the world without it; in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to face the world and to define myself as “weak” and “unable”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what my surroundings defined me to be throughout my childhood and to accept that definition as mine and to reinforce it within my thoughts, speech and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not carry my responsibility of the consequences of defining myself as introverted, withdrawn, quiet and solitary and consequently weak and unable, and thus blaming others (destiny, God, family, friends, other kids) for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the concept of ultimate solitude – the fact that essentially we're all alone – and to escape it by clinging to people and hoping they would be a “remedy” to my loneliness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the concept of ultimate solitude into images of the afterlife where I reunite with deceased loved ones; I now see and realize the solace I found in these images was only treating the symptoms of the root cause, and that it even if we did reunite in the afterlife, which we cannot be sure of, it would not be of relevance in this life and the speculation itself is not enough basis for any kind of action or inaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my fear of being alone by looking for the company of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my fear of facing myself as I am alone into entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my fear of facing myself as I am with someone into entertainment, characters and social games, all from within my shell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “boredom” when with others, as I have been afraid that if I do not succeed in entertaining the other, I will be judged as a “boring person” and I will be abandoned – I will end up alone – not realizing that the purpose of kinship is not to entertain one another but to support each other, and that if we were both to allow ourselves to become “bored”, we would see each other and ourselves as we really are – an important thing to realize if we want to manifest actual support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death as it represents ultimate loneliness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe other people to be their personas (masks) and to like, love, adore, admire and respect the personas instead of facing who they really are by revealing myself; in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing myself to others and thus keep up my own personas and believe them to be true, separating myself from myself even further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to stop and look at my reactions and deal with them openly with whoever they concern, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my reactions from others and myself in the fear of losing others and thus “ending up alone”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my reactions in the fear of not being “good enough”; I now realize that within the act of hiding I am making myself “less than” what I actually am, that by limiting and restricting myself I cannot reach my full potential as a human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and restrict myself because I have believed it will keep me “safe” from criticism, humiliation, pain and embarrasment, not realizing the act of limitation itself creates more points to be embarrassed, humiliated and afraid of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious in the company of others wanting to be alone “for a change”, not realizing that the resistance to stay in others' company tells that I find the situation lacking something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the reason I haven't been able to relax and express myself freely in the company of others has been myself and not something I can blame on those others.



I commit myself to let go of the word “destiny” and instead live here and now self-directed carrying full responsibility of my future.

I commit myself to dismantle all of my characteristics and to reveal what's really underneath them. Thus I also commit myself to find out whether any of them is actually true and to let go of each one that is not.

I commit myself to step out of my solitude to face the fears that I escaped, and to face, see and realize the solitude itself to find out whether it's worth living within and as solitude.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to trust myself and to stand within myself without a shell, and thus realize I don't need a shell to “take the punches”, that I can handle every situation and challenge as myself, here, within and as breath.

I commit myself to live in-dependency – to carry myself fully as I have responsibility of myself, not dependent on anyone else. My stability is my starting point, the core of my being, and it cannot be built on others, as all others come and go and I am the only one that stays. Thus I commit myself to return to myself, as I will always be right here within myself.

I commit myself to live true to my form, fearless and free in expression, and to not validate the dishonesty of others no more.

I commit myself to notice, stop, breathe, face, look at, breathe through and let go of each reaction that occurs in me, and to share them openly whenever possible.

I commit myself to live openness and honesty.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to learn to communicate.

maanantai 6. elokuuta 2012

On body issues


I've been writing this list of self-forgiveness all day. I think I could go on an on, and probably will as I'm not nearly done with the process here, but I guess this is a good chunk to start with.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the body I'm in, the tool through which I am present, participating in and manifesting life in this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refer to myself in the second person, to speak to myself as “you”, to separate myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my body is the way it is – whatever it happens to be at the moment, as it never has and never will be as good as any ideal I can come up with – I will not be accepted and loved by the people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my body is the way it is, I will never receive desired attention, admiration, acceptance, love, tenderness, companionship or sex from anyone – a fear of ending up alone – a fear of not being enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am constantly being judged by other people according to my physical appearance, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others perceive me and how they react to what they perceive, and due to this defend myself by hiding, escaping, attacking, masking myself, wearing roles and characters to take the punches instead of baring myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my “real” self as too vulnerable and weak to be exposed – too easy a target – and thus believe I am “forced” to hide myself under masks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my body and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to violently abuse myself physically by hitting, kicking, scratching, tearing, biting, starving, cutting, burning, freezing and neglecting the needs of my physical being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to violently abuse myself mentally by insulting, belittling, demeaning, limiting, tormenting and suppressing myself within and as my thoughts, speech and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that creating an ideal for yourself is a good way to motivate yourself to improve yourself, not realizing that the created ideal itself is an image forged by the mind and that reality is not an image and cannot be forced to function like a two-dimension imitation of itself, especially in the process of change and growth which can lead you to pretty much anywhere due to the unpredictable nature of life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal for myself not realizing that if it were attained I would create a new one and the cycle of self-hate and self-abuse would just keep on going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the key to changing myself is not in realizing what I want to become but accepting that which I am now as the present me and figuring out what is actually required for change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my interpretations of my childhood experiences even though I'm not a child anymore and haven't had a second look at what I experienced and what actually happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my beliefs about my body have not been taught to me as I have interpreted them – I am responsible for the warped way I have been looking at my experiences as an insecure pre-teen and for the way I have allowed myself to continue believing what that child-me grew to believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse my family members of the way I interpreted their words and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the world to be what I was taught it to be and my childhood interpretation of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the social world to be what I was taught it to be and my childhood interpretation of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to pressuring when questioning what was taught to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the people I had granted “authority” to know “better than me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape my body and become frustrated and violate myself when I couldn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the reflection in the mirror – the two-dimensional picture that poses – a one woman show of a myriad of characters I believe to be what I am and what others want to see – not realizing none of this is actual life itself, but a mere visual representation of a one certain dimension of countless dimensions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the girl in the photograph.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the text I write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the books I read.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the music I listen to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the people I know and the people I meet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life and define myself through images such as the ones mentioned above, not realizing none of this is life but merely a documentation of it, documentations never being life itself as here, breathing and present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and not credit the change that has already occurred in my physical being due to months and years of consistent changes in my lifestyle, and crave for fast results instead of realizing that permanent change may be slow – I have rapidly lost weight before, but it has never lasted for more than a few months.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there's something wrong with my body for not losing any fat even though I'm exercising, ignoring the fact that my body is very healthy in spite of the excess fat and that getting rid of the fat is no longer a health issue but an aesthetical one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly live in the future instead of being here – envisioning what I want to become instead of facing what I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the current beauty ideal of our culture is the way I ought to be to be accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that women are perceived to have no other value than their looks, thus believing I have no value as, when comparing to those who are considered “most” beautiful, I “lose”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that everyone and everything is beautiful as it is, as life, and that cultural definitions and hierarchies of beauty are arbitrary and meaningless as they are based on images alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define beauty as visual information and aesthetics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not fit the visual and aesthetical standards of our (or any) culture, I cannot be considered beautiful, not realizing beauty is about life itself instead of mind-images such as visual, audial or other kinds of processed sensory information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my looks and other physical traits to every woman I meet and see to determine whether I'm “winning” or “losing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the competitiveness built into the social culture of women as “natural”, that it is ok as long as I'm not the worst and last pick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my looks determine whether I will ever get the chance to approach the people I consider attractive, or, in fact, whether the ones I consider attractive will ever “notice” me and take the initiative so I wouldn't have to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my responsibility of initiating social interaction in the fear that I will be rejected, not realizing that we all carry the same fear and if I don't change myself the way we interact won't change either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of certain parts of my body in particular, not considering my body as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the parts of my body I am ashamed of by morphing my body and stature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the parts of my body I am ashamed of by wearing clothes that cover up those body parts.

- tarkennus 17082012: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the parts of my body I am ashamed of by wearing clothes that cover up those body parts; in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as “superficial” (putting some effort into the way I look / what kind of visual information I send) whenever wearing/choosing clothes that suit my body, completely ignoring the fact that it may also be a purely aesthetical action based on the fact that certain clothes support certain body types better than others, and that clothing, too, can be a form of self-expression. To ignore the way one looks would be abandoning an essential part of this reality; to wear clothes that fit and function is not a limitation but a support - when that support, clothing, entwines with fear (obsession, insecurity, self-hatred, duty, expectations, demands, you name it) it becomes a limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what shame actually is – my fear of being judged by others – my fear of not being enough – me not accepting myself – me not being here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly worry about my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn certain ways of standing or sitting that “look cool”; in other words, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pose as an image instead of being here as myself expressing myself freely through my physical being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at myself “from the outside”, as an observer who criticizes and judges, instead of being here within myself behind my eyes, not realizing that what the observer “sees” is just an image in my head, as I cannot actually look at myself from outside my head.




I commit myself to accept my physical body as it is.

I commit myself to notice, stop, face, examine, breathe through and release my fears.

I commit myself to stop abusing myself and instead treat myself with kindness, gentleness, forgiveness and love.

I commit myself to notice, stop, face, examine, breathe through and release all of my mind-images, including the ones about my body and others'.

I commit myself to carry full responsibility of myself, my process of change and my thoughts, words and actions.

I commit myself to live patience and consistency.

I commit myself to always consider the state of my body's well-being as a whole.

I commit myself to stand fearless within myself as myself.