I am going to try and identify all the
ways I manifest passiveness. Passiveness is to abandon
responsibility, give up control and to not act. Within the three
stages of expression – thought, speech and action – I manifest
passiveness in every one. I am a slow personality, yet that has
nothing to do with passiveness – to be active is not to be
hyperactive.
- I suppress myself a lot. I suppress
my thoughts, not allowing myself to even think certain stuff. I
suppress what I experience within myself by not allowing myself to
speak it out loud – I hide – I fear the reaction I will rouse by
expressing myself without hesitation, as I faced rejection and
abandonment in my childhood. I suppress my actions even if I am able
to deliver the word through the fear of consequences, as my actions
have caused me to face rejection and abandonment during my teenage
years.
- I am passive in decision making. I do
take some control over my life, but in the end I always leave it up
to something beyond me, be it an authority, god, the universe,
someone else. Within this I do not realize I am everything as
everything is equal, and that my life manifests what I actually do
with it, not what I wait around for. The reason I've been standing
still for years is the fact that I have not taken directive control
over my life.
- I am passive in relationships. From
within the fear of losing control I give up all control – from
within the fear of losing someone I give up all control – from
within the fear of ending up alone I give up all control. I suppress
thoughts as I am afraid that they might lead to the end of a
relationship, for example by being of a controversial nature (I fear
thoughts that question the existence of the relationship or the basic
foundation of it, as I fear it will lead to the conclusion that the
relationship should end, when in fact all this could actually just
strengthen it if faced); I suppress speech as I don't trust myself to
be able to deliver my thoughts correctly, which would lead to
misunderstanding and conflict and the relationship ending and me
being alone; I suppress action as I fear failure and embarrasment and
don't trust myself to not abuse myself because of failure.
- I am passive in public, unless
overcome by emotion. Any situation that could happen on the “common
ground” - streets, shops, public transport, libraries, etc. - is
for me a passive one, unless an interaction within customer service,
where as a customer I see it very easy for me to converse as if there
were no boundaries. It is only an illusion – I have only met one
salesperson that was willing to step out of her working character and
discard all the norms of a buyer-seller-interaction (and within that
situation, too, she was the one taking initiative). The illusion of
comfort is very fragile and easily shattered. I haven't been
deliberately breaking it, though, and within that inaction I have
passively allowed the fakey norms to keep on existing. The
passiveness of public interaction probably comes just from that,
norms, the rules we ought to obey to keep the society from going into
complete chaos (lol), and the fact that if one id afraid, it is very
comfortable to stay within them. I have to go and face this in the
flesh. I have been afraid, but I will be that no longer.
- I am passive within friendships. Most
of the time I wait around for activities, suggestions and
conversations within existing friendships. I'm also very passive in
making new friends. Lately I have been facing the odd fears I have
considering people I have met but am not familiar with, such as
people I have not been “properly” introduced to. It has to do
with social conventions of not knowing “where we stand” in
relation to each other and the fear of possibly being “less than”
the other.
- I am passive within certain social
circles, such as my family. It is not complete passiveness and
self-abandonment, but it does still exist on some level, as I have
allowed its existence by explaining it with group dynamics and
“different personalities” ( = bullshit). My family is the first
and firmest validator of my “core personality”, which I have come
to believe is fundamentally passive, and they are the ones that allow
me to be that way and I fear I might even be rejected if I change.
I'm not taking into consideration here the fact that I have already
changed extensively and yet they accept me.
- I am passive with myself. Even though
self-improvement has taken place, there are still many things about
myself I have refused to face and continue to explain with a bunch of
excuses. I still wait around for others to give me feedback so I
could determine whether I'm going to the right direction or not,
instead of deciding that for myself by myself. I am not doing things
for myself but for others, and within this I constantly limit myself
and my expression and slow down my progress.
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