fear of falling

Fear of falling. To fear failing in ones attempts. To fall is to let yourself crash; to allow yourself to be what you are not. It is to know better and do it anyway. It is not necessarily manifested as a conscious act of “giving permission”, as the acceptance is given mainly through different forms of energy: emotions, feelings, fears, desires, thoughts. “Falling in love” is to fall. Giving in to vices is to fall. Lying is to fall. To not brush your teeth in the evening is to fall. To get angry is to fall.

As people we fall all the time, even though it is not recommended. We keep on doing it anyway.

I fear falling. I remember having fallen majorly two times in my life: first when I was just around turning 16, second when I was 19. On the surface I fear that which falling has caused in my life before, which is “losing everything”. I have lost people, relationships, money and “my entire world”, but the only “lost” thing that has been valid has been myself. As I have lost myself when falling I have witnessed my whole self crumbling: my abilities to make decisions, control my life, know what is true and stand as an individual have fallen to pieces. As I have lost myself and then fallen, I haven't had anything to stand on – no trust in myself and nothing to believe in – and I have felt “my entire world falling apart”, and believed that feeling to be true. In reality, had I not allowed myself to fall, the happenings that caused me to crash would have been completely manageable. Falling was and is never necessary.

The real reason I fear falling is that I fear I will then appear as something “less”. Losing oneself is, too, a very frightening experience I do not wish to repeat, but if I stay honest with myself, stand within myself as myself and forgive myself what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, I have nothing to be afraid of. I am the foundation I build upon, and I am the one who keeps it together. Within my fear I also find distrust in myself, as I do not trust I could keep myself stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling as I have been afraid I will then appear as something “less” to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear appearing as something “less”, believing that people would then judge me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am judged by others and that their judgement is valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the world as a place where people constantly judge others, especially those who are less, and that it is a game one must participate in to avoid “losing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to have actually been “less” as I have fallen, not realizing my value is always equal to everyone, and that in fact no one is ever “more” or “less”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself as I have fallen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my responsibility to carry myself and direct myself, and that I have thus not lived as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become someone I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the reflection of another – that I have accepted and allowed myself to become what I perceive another person(s) to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live an image I would like to be, instead of realizing what's actually required for change and live accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become another out of fear of not being good enough as I am. (Thus I have not been who I really am and the situation has ended up with me falling.)

I have had a desire to please. I have had such distrust in myself that I have feared I am not “enough” as I really am, and I have adapted to people and situations in a way where I replace myself with an image of someone else (real or imaginary). As what I have seen has only been a perception and not the actual experience and life of another being, what I have made myself into has never been more than an image pasted on myself. The dishonesty I have been living has then accumulated up to a point where I have fallen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not enough, hereby stating that my “value” is measured by some authority outside of me, not realizing the value of human beings is always equal as we are all as much living beings, representatives of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my perception of another to be real, not considering the fact that the subjective experience of each human being is inaccessible by others and thus the reality of ones experience can never be fully understood from the outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to carry myself through every experience by standing within each and every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to direct my life by and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there are experiences that are “too much” and that within those experiences it's ok to fall, when in fact there is no situation I can't handle as I carry myself within and as breath and in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that experiences can be measured on a scale of “more difficult” and “less difficult”, when in fact experiences as themselves are all equal and the feeling of “hardship” is created by how we perceive ourselves to be within that situation, when our perception is also just a perception and not the reality itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my falling by assessing the situation at hand to be “more difficult”.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to find a state of stability from which I can actually live my life by being here in each and every breath.

I commit myself to identify, face, stop, breathe through and redirect the situations where I justify falling, no matter the scale.

I commit myself to face myself in absolute honesty to see and realize what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to build trust in myself as I now see and realize the only one I can or should rely on is myself.

she's afraid of a light in the dark

Pelkäänkö muutosta?

Tajusin juuri sisäänpäinkääntyneisyyteni olevan ympäröivän todellisuuden pelkäämistä. En ole aina joka ikisessä tilanteessa introvertti, sillä esimerkiksi teatterilla koen oloni parhaimmillaan niin turvalliseksi, että uskallan ilmaista itseäni pelkäämättä ja kohdata muut ihmiset pelkäämättä. Ongelma onkin siinä, että teatteriryhmä on rakennettu illuusio erillään yhteiskunnasta, joten jos en saa sitä samaa vapauden ja luottamuksen tuntua rakennettua itsestäni lähteväksi, en voikaan kohdata maailmaa täysin auki. Maailma ei taputa ketään päähän, tee myönnytyksiä ja lakkaa olemasta uhkaava. Minä vaikutan maailman uhkaavuuden jatkumiseen omalla pelollani – kaikki aggressio on pelkoa.

Siksi olen ihmissuhteissa aina kääntynyt sisäänpäin: olla niin lähellä toista ihmistä, monin tavoin alasti ja ehdotonta luottamusta vaatien on ollut liian pelottavaa. Tajusin tämän kun aloin pohtia sitä, miksen osaa antaa ihmissuhteessa toiselle niin negatiivista kuin positiivistakaan palautetta. Tosiasia on se, että en ole oikeasti läsnä. Jos olisin läsnä ja aistisin ympäröivän todellisuuden sellaisena kuin se on, olisin tässä ja olisin nyt, ja jos itseilmaisuni olisi vapaata, palaute kumpuaisi luonnollisesti juuri niissä hetkissä kun palautteelle syntyy aihetta.

Ympäröivän maailman pelko juontaa lapsuuteen, kuten aiemmin tajusin, enkä voi siis syyttää omista pelkotiloistani esimerkiksi ketään seurustelukumppaneistani. Olen aiemmin vedonnut muiden tekemiin vääryyksiin ja niiden aiheuttamiin traumoihin, vaikka todellisuudessa olen vain luonut syntipukin jonka taakse paeta ongelmieni todellisia syitä. Jokainen tähän astinen seurustelusuhteeni on ollut pelkoni ja täten sisäänpäinkäätyneisyyteni kyllästämää ja raskauttamaa.

Näiden asioiden kohtaaminen, työstäminen ja niistä irti päästäminen tuntuvat ahdistavilta, koska ajatus siitä, että olisin joskus peloton ja vapaa kohtaamaan todellisuuden on itsessään pelottava ajatus. Onko minusta siihen? Miksei olisi? On yleisesti hyväksyttyä elää vaikka koko elämänsä omien tekosyidensä takana ja tukea muiden kulisseja. Sanon itseni irti siitä leikistä.

Pelätä toista ihmistä, pelätä tuomituksi tulemista, pelätä omaa riittämättömyyttään, pelätä epäonistumisia, pelätä omaa ilmaisuaan - pelätä itseänsä. Kaikki palaa itseen.

Palatakseni tähän hetkeen tilanteessa kuin tilanteessa kaikki tilanteet on purettava rakennuspalikoihinsa. Kaikki kohtaamiset on aloitettava perusasioista. On pelottavaa alkaa rikkoa totuttuja kaavoja tietyn ihmisen kanssa irroittamalla niistä kaikista hengittämällä ja olemalla tässä, olematta automaattiohjauksella, mutta kerta kerralta se muuttuu helpommaksi, muutos vähemmän pelottavaksi. Henkäys henkäykseltä, sykähdys sykähdykseltä, sana sanalta, katse katseelta, liike liikkeltä, kosketus kosketukselta minä muutun.

uberrima fides

What is a faithful heart?

To be full of faith. To have a heart full of faith. What is faith?

Belief, trust, hope. Believing without proof? Trusting something to happen; knowing without information. Isn't that also called intuition? But intuition also involves feelings: "feeling" whether something is ok or not. How is intuition linked with faith?

But faith can also mean full-on confidence, absolute trust. "Complete trust or confidence in someone or something", says my dictionary. I've felt absolute trust only a couple of times. While I was traveling alone in Europe for a month without a plan, I had absolute trust in life and the world. I had absolute trust in humanity. I had absolute trust in myself.

I have never felt absolute, unquestioned trust in a fellow human being (let alone an animal). My family gets very close to that based on the bond of unwavering love alone, but I'm not sure if they can ever reach a deep enough state of unattachedness for me to have absolute trust in them. To be as trustworthy as life, the perfect organism itself, requires the ability to fully know yourself, to perceive yourself from outside of you, I think.

Does this mean I have never really trusted anyone? Should I have? How can I have trusted myself two years ago, when only now am I beginning to feel like I know myself? It must have not been trust in the first place. What was it then? Foolishness? A distorted view of myself? Or: seeing the good in me, seeing my potential, and having hope, faith in myself?

"The purity of a faithful heart is chaste as the icicle curded by the frost from driven snow: 'twill bear no blemish."

It will bear no blemish. "Chaste".

If a faithful heart is such that has absolute trust and is full of it, what makes it so pure? What does trust purify and why? Trust may be the purifier of all that is hidden: intentions, emotions, hopes and fears, all underlaying mechanisms. Trust requires openness. That which is open cannot hide what it contains.

I don't mean that, when having trust in the world, the world should open up to you; it's you who should open up to the world. This is me as I am in this moment, bare and shameless, present and absolute. Like attracts like, and the world will open up.

Trust also attracts those who exploit, as light attracts shadow. The only way for light to stay light is to not become the shadow. Is that unstainability as true with pureness of heart? It's either black or white, light or shadow. The pureness either is or it isn't.

How does one keep one's heart pure or purify one that has been blemished? How to protect oneself from exploiters? Does that have something to do with faith? Is trust in everything the greatest protection? Against what, exactly?

My intuition tells me that the human kind ought to have absolute trust in itself, within itself. How to make such a grand vision reality? Up until now I've been trying to get there by building trust in myself and every one I encounter. Is that enough? I want to do more, but is that just impatience in me speaking?