Started writing this on 22082012, finished today.
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Today I started new dancing lessons on
a reputable dance studio. Even though I have been dancing for years,
I have avoided these kinds of dance studios, as I had lessons in one
when I was in my early teens and found the experience most
uncomfortable. Today I saw kids the likes of that young me –
scared, withdrawn and constantly evaluating their surroundings on how
they ought to appear to be accepted and to be doing it “right”. I
realized my earlier experience of that scene was in fact not true: I
was perceiving everyone and everything from within my fears, and thus
I never faced the situation as it really was. I limited myself, my
experience and expression according to what I assumed I ought to be
and what I perceived others to be – within seeking for answers by
comparing myself to everyone and “losing” in every comparison I
built a belief where I “sucked” at dancing, and thus I denied
myself the joy of movement, music and sociality and also blocked
myself from improving. This block still exists, as I find it very
difficult to learn new things when within a certain kind of situation
in a dance lesson.
I embrace this opportunity to face and
dissolve those fears that still remain from those past years as I
poke the edges of my comfort zone further and further away. Also, I
get good and enjoyable physical exercise. Win-win!
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not focus on learning the movement as movement
instead of learning the movement as a picture.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to focus on how I look to other people when
practicing a move instead of focusing on the actual point of the
moving – mastering the human body in motion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to compare myself to other dancers around me as I
dance and consequently lose my focus and end up messing up the moves;
I now see and realize that within the act of comparing I live the
fear of not being enough, trying to gain visual data of how I “should
be” dancing and trying to figure out my “standing” within the
group.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not be satisfied with the joy of movement and
the pursuit of self-mastery, and instead look for validation based on
my skills from the group around me – looking for the statement
“yes, you are enough” or “yes, you are more than the rest of
us”, not wanting to be the worst, as then I would be the “loser”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as I look for validation
within a group, I am actually living the belief that “I am less
than / I am not enough” and also refusing to be the one to change
that, abandoning my resposnsibility of myself, thinking that the
experience of “less than” is the others' fault – that the
others are mean, obnoxius, cold, unaccepting and cruel for not giving
me the validation I need to feel good about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not carry my responsibility of my own
experience as the creator and director of my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I am “less than” others based on
how I perceived myself to be compared to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to blame others for my experience of inability,
claiming they have been bringing me down when in fact I have been the
one limiting my expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I cannot change, as I have lived fear,
thus failed at my unreasonable attempts and refused to try again. I
now see and realize I have set the bar too high – I should have not
set a bar at all if it's based on how other people appear to me and
if I determine my goals based only on that perception and the fear of
losing. Instead, I should have learned to listen to my body and train
according to it's pace with consistency and patience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe the dance scene to be shallow,
competitive and vicious based on my limited childhood experience of
it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to belittle and despise the people participating
in the dance scene within the belief that everyone that participates
is shallow, competitive and vicious, limiting my point of view to
that of pure malice and spite.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not face the people I have met at the dance
scene as who they really are, and to instead view them through and
from within my fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not give those people a chance to show
themselves as they really are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to make dancing difficult for myself by allowing
my focus to not be in the movement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to mess up the movement by focusing on what the
movement should look like instead of being within my body and
figuring out how I should be utilizing my body to create the movement
in its essence.
I commit myself to focus on movement as
it really is: a state where I am fully within myself and in control
of every part of my body.
I commit myself to face the dance
lessons as the situation really is: a group of people with different
motivations, fears, hopes and backgrounds with a goal that is
somewhat similar. Within this I commit myself to assist and support
myself and others to recreate the situation into something that is a
solid and fearless learning environment for all.
I commit myself to face and let go of
my fear of being judged.
I commit myself to face and let go of
my fear of losing.
I commit myself to listen to my body to
determine what kind of a challenge is required for improvement to
take place – everything may not be possible at once. I commit
myself to move forward with my own pace one step at a time, fearless
of challenge yet conscious of my body's current state with complete
self-honesty.
I commit myself to carry full
responsibility of my own experience and the consequences thereof.
