A friend stayed over for one night. We had a good time talking and walking, preparing and sharing a proper feasty breakfast, and I enjoyed our conversations. It seems I was able to let go and talk a-plenty, as she is quite talkative / was on a talkative mood, but as another friend just challenged my experience of it being “special” or "unusual" I stopped to think about it a bit more. Was I trying to balance out the conversation by talking a lot even though I may have not been saying much of value? Was her talkativeness “allowing” me to be talkative as well? Is the “talkative me” the “real me” or the other way around? Was she just asking the right questions, pushing the right buttons, even if by accident? I wasn't talkative all the while, and we allowed silence to exist between us (which was awesome), but there were some conversations especially during the night where I noticed myself talking more than usual. Was I simply nervous? Trying to fill out holes I was spotting, trying to maintain an image I thought appropriate?
I'm not sure if asking these questions is getting me anywhere. How do I figure out what actually happened?
Breathe, stop, look around, be honest.
I enjoyed her company. There's a spirit of acceptance between us, as was during the camp where we met a little while ago; not one born out of neccessity, but out of caring and kindness. Perhaps it's just that: because of the spirit we created during the camp, I was less afraid of being judged, and thus defined her presence as something special, whereas in reality I am the one creating the experience of being judged and thus I have the power to stop it. I am able to stop it no matter who I'm with, so why be selective about it? Why not with everyone?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being judged.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself the experience of being judged not realizing it is within my power as the creator to stop the experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the fear of being judged ( = the fear of not being enough) based on my perception of status, bodily assets, sexual attraction, abilities, talent, wealth, and a whole lot of other images and expectations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to percieve others as “more than” me and see myself as “less than” others and thus create the experience of being judged, ignoring the fact that we're all equal in value and that no one is “more” or “less”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression according to my fear of being judged.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that talking less means more quality, value and insight, and that talking more means less quality, value and insight, when in fact the amount of words is a result of what happens within the person before the words are said, not the other way around.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label people as “safe” and “unsafe” according to how much I limit myself around them, not realizing that it is my responsibility to set myself free, not theirs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assist others to set themselves free by setting myself free as an example; in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my limitations on those around me instead of realizing I am limiting myself; in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by clinging to our limitations we don't only limit ourselves but we also limit all others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I name the fear of not being enough “the fear of being judged”, I'm putting all the blame and responsibility of that issue on others instead of carrying the responsibility myself.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to walk my process and thus consequently assist and support all others as well.
I commit myself to stop, breathe and redirect myself whenever I notice myself within the fear of not being enough, as well as all other fears.
I commit myself to carry my responsibility as the creator of my experience.
I commit myself to carry my responsibility as a part of the human kind by living my life into and as an example, realizing that every action and non-action affects this reality that is shared by us all.
I commit myself to free my expression by facing, breathing through and dissolving my fears.