I was writing out my anxiety and I realized that there's a certain period of time in my past which I try to compensate for by over-achieving in my present life. I realized I still feel guilty about that point in my life where I did very little and mainly escaped all my duties, responsibilities and problems into entertainment (video games, tv series, movies). I realized that if I hold on to the belief that I can compensate for my past by achieving a lot of stuff now, I will never make any progress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that I can compensate for my past
mistakes in this moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that my past is something I can change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not accept my past as my past, a period of time
that was and is no more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define myself according to my past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that who I am is right here and
right now and that the only moment in time where I am able to define
myself is right now and that the only me I am able to define is the
me who exists right now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that others will judge, define and
evaluate me according to my past actions, choices, thoughts and
emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive others as judging.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to think that what I believe others to think of me
is actually true when it is only my perception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear the opinion of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that enough achievements will “pay
for my sins”, in other words erase all my past mistakes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to strive for achievements in hope of a reward
(compensation).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not strive for achievements for the sake of
creating, constructing and bringing to existence something actually
worth while.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive everything I do as “tasks” on a
“checklist”, and thus everytime I get something done to see the
completed “task” as an achievement from which I get a “reward”
(recognition, admiration, positive feedback, acceptance).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define myself according to the achievements I
have accomplished and the achievements I haven't yet accomplished but
am working on and thus will achieve “in the future”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create an image of myself in the future and
define myself accordingly in the present moment, as I have been
scared of my past self defining me and thus created another image
instead to override my past as the future is superior to the past,
completely ignoring the fact that neither of them defines my present
self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive my life as past, present and future,
when in fact it is just a series of present moments, as the past is
nothing but memories of things that are no longer here and the future
is nothing but images manifesting my current fears, hopes and
expectations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to over-work myself and burn myself out in the
hopes of in the end getting a reward, not realizing life is not about
suffering in this moment so you can celebrate in the next.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create a polarity where in the other end there
is reward and in the other end there's exhaustion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not be satisfied with small consistent actions
little by little adding up to form bigger results.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to punish myself when I have not been satisfied
with my achievements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive myself as less than others when I have
not been satisfied with my achievements, thus resorting to punishing
myself mentally and physically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to compare myself to others through achievements
and to believe those achievements to be a valid measurement of my
value, not realizing every human being has the same exact value based
on humanity alone and having nothing to do with the social standards
and norms I and most other people believe to be true.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear failure as I fear it will define me
irregardless of my own will.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that I have no power over defining
myself and that what “happens” to me defines me, when in fact
nothing just “happens” as I myself create everything I experience
in life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that others are judging me and change
my behaviour accordingly, when in fact the only one whose assessment
and observation of myself is the one to act upon is that of my own.
I commit myself to carry my
responsibility of my growth and my process.
I commit myself to recognize when I am
not here in this moment and to stop myself and bring myself back,
register what happened and redirect myself from there.
I commit myself to no longer define
myself according to my past or my future and instead define myself
according to what is here now through honest self-expression.
I commit myself to support myself
within my process – in this, I commit to no longer bring myself
down, as it only slows down and even stops my process completely.
I commit myself to be honest about my
motives when taking on a new assignement and when completing old ones
– in this, I commit myself to work for what's best for all instead
of working to get approval from external sources or to make myself
feel “worthy”.
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