Over-achieving and defining oneself - introducing self-forgiveness

I'm trying out this new method called "self-fogiveness", where through consistent statements of forgiving oneself and committing to change one is able to create actual change by accessing ones patterns, thoughts and emotions and their origin. I've been experimenting with it more or less for some time, but this is the first time a small realization actually lead to me writing these statements down and figuring out a whole bunch of stuff through that writing process. I want to share them, don't know why. For the sake of sharing?

I was writing out my anxiety and I realized that there's a certain period of time in my past which I try to compensate for by over-achieving in my present life. I realized I still feel guilty about that point in my life where I did very little and mainly escaped all my duties, responsibilities and problems into entertainment (video games, tv series, movies). I realized that if I hold on to the belief that I can compensate for my past by achieving a lot of stuff now, I will never make any progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can compensate for my past mistakes in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past is something I can change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept my past as my past, a period of time that was and is no more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that who I am is right here and right now and that the only moment in time where I am able to define myself is right now and that the only me I am able to define is the me who exists right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will judge, define and evaluate me according to my past actions, choices, thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive others as judging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that what I believe others to think of me is actually true when it is only my perception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the opinion of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that enough achievements will “pay for my sins”, in other words erase all my past mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for achievements in hope of a reward (compensation).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not strive for achievements for the sake of creating, constructing and bringing to existence something actually worth while.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive everything I do as “tasks” on a “checklist”, and thus everytime I get something done to see the completed “task” as an achievement from which I get a “reward” (recognition, admiration, positive feedback, acceptance).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the achievements I have accomplished and the achievements I haven't yet accomplished but am working on and thus will achieve “in the future”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an image of myself in the future and define myself accordingly in the present moment, as I have been scared of my past self defining me and thus created another image instead to override my past as the future is superior to the past, completely ignoring the fact that neither of them defines my present self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my life as past, present and future, when in fact it is just a series of present moments, as the past is nothing but memories of things that are no longer here and the future is nothing but images manifesting my current fears, hopes and expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-work myself and burn myself out in the hopes of in the end getting a reward, not realizing life is not about suffering in this moment so you can celebrate in the next.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity where in the other end there is reward and in the other end there's exhaustion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied with small consistent actions little by little adding up to form bigger results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself when I have not been satisfied with my achievements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as less than others when I have not been satisfied with my achievements, thus resorting to punishing myself mentally and physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others through achievements and to believe those achievements to be a valid measurement of my value, not realizing every human being has the same exact value based on humanity alone and having nothing to do with the social standards and norms I and most other people believe to be true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure as I fear it will define me irregardless of my own will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no power over defining myself and that what “happens” to me defines me, when in fact nothing just “happens” as I myself create everything I experience in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are judging me and change my behaviour accordingly, when in fact the only one whose assessment and observation of myself is the one to act upon is that of my own.

I commit myself to carry my responsibility of my growth and my process.

I commit myself to recognize when I am not here in this moment and to stop myself and bring myself back, register what happened and redirect myself from there.

I commit myself to no longer define myself according to my past or my future and instead define myself according to what is here now through honest self-expression.

I commit myself to support myself within my process – in this, I commit to no longer bring myself down, as it only slows down and even stops my process completely.

I commit myself to be honest about my motives when taking on a new assignement and when completing old ones – in this, I commit myself to work for what's best for all instead of working to get approval from external sources or to make myself feel “worthy”.