I am rhythm

Started writing this on 22082012, finished today.

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Today I started new dancing lessons on a reputable dance studio. Even though I have been dancing for years, I have avoided these kinds of dance studios, as I had lessons in one when I was in my early teens and found the experience most uncomfortable. Today I saw kids the likes of that young me – scared, withdrawn and constantly evaluating their surroundings on how they ought to appear to be accepted and to be doing it “right”. I realized my earlier experience of that scene was in fact not true: I was perceiving everyone and everything from within my fears, and thus I never faced the situation as it really was. I limited myself, my experience and expression according to what I assumed I ought to be and what I perceived others to be – within seeking for answers by comparing myself to everyone and “losing” in every comparison I built a belief where I “sucked” at dancing, and thus I denied myself the joy of movement, music and sociality and also blocked myself from improving. This block still exists, as I find it very difficult to learn new things when within a certain kind of situation in a dance lesson.

I embrace this opportunity to face and dissolve those fears that still remain from those past years as I poke the edges of my comfort zone further and further away. Also, I get good and enjoyable physical exercise. Win-win!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on learning the movement as movement instead of learning the movement as a picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on how I look to other people when practicing a move instead of focusing on the actual point of the moving – mastering the human body in motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other dancers around me as I dance and consequently lose my focus and end up messing up the moves; I now see and realize that within the act of comparing I live the fear of not being enough, trying to gain visual data of how I “should be” dancing and trying to figure out my “standing” within the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied with the joy of movement and the pursuit of self-mastery, and instead look for validation based on my skills from the group around me – looking for the statement “yes, you are enough” or “yes, you are more than the rest of us”, not wanting to be the worst, as then I would be the “loser”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I look for validation within a group, I am actually living the belief that “I am less than / I am not enough” and also refusing to be the one to change that, abandoning my resposnsibility of myself, thinking that the experience of “less than” is the others' fault – that the others are mean, obnoxius, cold, unaccepting and cruel for not giving me the validation I need to feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not carry my responsibility of my own experience as the creator and director of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “less than” others based on how I perceived myself to be compared to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my experience of inability, claiming they have been bringing me down when in fact I have been the one limiting my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot change, as I have lived fear, thus failed at my unreasonable attempts and refused to try again. I now see and realize I have set the bar too high – I should have not set a bar at all if it's based on how other people appear to me and if I determine my goals based only on that perception and the fear of losing. Instead, I should have learned to listen to my body and train according to it's pace with consistency and patience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the dance scene to be shallow, competitive and vicious based on my limited childhood experience of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle and despise the people participating in the dance scene within the belief that everyone that participates is shallow, competitive and vicious, limiting my point of view to that of pure malice and spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the people I have met at the dance scene as who they really are, and to instead view them through and from within my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give those people a chance to show themselves as they really are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make dancing difficult for myself by allowing my focus to not be in the movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mess up the movement by focusing on what the movement should look like instead of being within my body and figuring out how I should be utilizing my body to create the movement in its essence.

I commit myself to focus on movement as it really is: a state where I am fully within myself and in control of every part of my body.

I commit myself to face the dance lessons as the situation really is: a group of people with different motivations, fears, hopes and backgrounds with a goal that is somewhat similar. Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself and others to recreate the situation into something that is a solid and fearless learning environment for all.

I commit myself to face and let go of my fear of being judged.

I commit myself to face and let go of my fear of losing.

I commit myself to listen to my body to determine what kind of a challenge is required for improvement to take place – everything may not be possible at once. I commit myself to move forward with my own pace one step at a time, fearless of challenge yet conscious of my body's current state with complete self-honesty.

I commit myself to carry full responsibility of my own experience and the consequences thereof.

On body issues

I've been writing this list of self-forgiveness all day. I think I could go on an on, and probably will as I'm not nearly done with the process here, but I guess this is a good chunk to start with.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the body I'm in, the tool through which I am present, participating in and manifesting life in this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refer to myself in the second person, to speak to myself as “you”, to separate myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my body is the way it is – whatever it happens to be at the moment, as it never has and never will be as good as any ideal I can come up with – I will not be accepted and loved by the people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my body is the way it is, I will never receive desired attention, admiration, acceptance, love, tenderness, companionship or sex from anyone – a fear of ending up alone – a fear of not being enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am constantly being judged by other people according to my physical appearance, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others perceive me and how they react to what they perceive, and due to this defend myself by hiding, escaping, attacking, masking myself, wearing roles and characters to take the punches instead of baring myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my “real” self as too vulnerable and weak to be exposed – too easy a target – and thus believe I am “forced” to hide myself under masks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my body and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to violently abuse myself physically by hitting, kicking, scratching, tearing, biting, starving, cutting, burning, freezing and neglecting the needs of my physical being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to violently abuse myself mentally by insulting, belittling, demeaning, limiting, tormenting and suppressing myself within and as my thoughts, speech and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that creating an ideal for yourself is a good way to motivate yourself to improve yourself, not realizing that the created ideal itself is an image forged by the mind and that reality is not an image and cannot be forced to function like a two-dimension imitation of itself, especially in the process of change and growth which can lead you to pretty much anywhere due to the unpredictable nature of life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal for myself not realizing that if it were attained I would create a new one and the cycle of self-hate and self-abuse would just keep on going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the key to changing myself is not in realizing what I want to become but accepting that which I am now as the present me and figuring out what is actually required for change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my interpretations of my childhood experiences even though I'm not a child anymore and haven't had a second look at what I experienced and what actually happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my beliefs about my body have not been taught to me as I have interpreted them – I am responsible for the warped way I have been looking at my experiences as an insecure pre-teen and for the way I have allowed myself to continue believing what that child-me grew to believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse my family members of the way I interpreted their words and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the world to be what I was taught it to be and my childhood interpretation of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the social world to be what I was taught it to be and my childhood interpretation of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to pressuring when questioning what was taught to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the people I had granted “authority” to know “better than me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape my body and become frustrated and violate myself when I couldn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the reflection in the mirror – the two-dimensional picture that poses – a one woman show of a myriad of characters I believe to be what I am and what others want to see – not realizing none of this is actual life itself, but a mere visual representation of a one certain dimension of countless dimensions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the girl in the photograph.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the text I write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the books I read.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the music I listen to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the people I know and the people I meet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life and define myself through images such as the ones mentioned above, not realizing none of this is life but merely a documentation of it, documentations never being life itself as here, breathing and present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and not credit the change that has already occurred in my physical being due to months and years of consistent changes in my lifestyle, and crave for fast results instead of realizing that permanent change may be slow – I have rapidly lost weight before, but it has never lasted for more than a few months.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there's something wrong with my body for not losing any fat even though I'm exercising, ignoring the fact that my body is very healthy in spite of the excess fat and that getting rid of the fat is no longer a health issue but an aesthetical one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly live in the future instead of being here – envisioning what I want to become instead of facing what I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the current beauty ideal of our culture is the way I ought to be to be accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that women are perceived to have no other value than their looks, thus believing I have no value as, when comparing to those who are considered “most” beautiful, I “lose”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that everyone and everything is beautiful as it is, as life, and that cultural definitions and hierarchies of beauty are arbitrary and meaningless as they are based on images alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define beauty as visual information and aesthetics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not fit the visual and aesthetical standards of our (or any) culture, I cannot be considered beautiful, not realizing beauty is about life itself instead of mind-images such as visual, audial or other kinds of processed sensory information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my looks and other physical traits to every woman I meet and see to determine whether I'm “winning” or “losing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the competitiveness built into the social culture of women as “natural”, that it is ok as long as I'm not the worst and last pick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my looks determine whether I will ever get the chance to approach the people I consider attractive, or, in fact, whether the ones I consider attractive will ever “notice” me and take the initiative so I wouldn't have to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my responsibility of initiating social interaction in the fear that I will be rejected, not realizing that we all carry the same fear and if I don't change myself the way we interact won't change either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of certain parts of my body in particular, not considering my body as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the parts of my body I am ashamed of by morphing my body and stature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the parts of my body I am ashamed of by wearing clothes that cover up those body parts.

- tarkennus 17082012: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the parts of my body I am ashamed of by wearing clothes that cover up those body parts; in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as “superficial” (putting some effort into the way I look / what kind of visual information I send) whenever wearing/choosing clothes that suit my body, completely ignoring the fact that it may also be a purely aesthetical action based on the fact that certain clothes support certain body types better than others, and that clothing, too, can be a form of self-expression. To ignore the way one looks would be abandoning an essential part of this reality; to wear clothes that fit and function is not a limitation but a support - when that support, clothing, entwines with fear (obsession, insecurity, self-hatred, duty, expectations, demands, you name it) it becomes a limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what shame actually is – my fear of being judged by others – my fear of not being enough – me not accepting myself – me not being here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly worry about my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn certain ways of standing or sitting that “look cool”; in other words, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pose as an image instead of being here as myself expressing myself freely through my physical being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at myself “from the outside”, as an observer who criticizes and judges, instead of being here within myself behind my eyes, not realizing that what the observer “sees” is just an image in my head, as I cannot actually look at myself from outside my head.

I commit myself to accept my physical body as it is.

I commit myself to notice, stop, face, examine, breathe through and release my fears.

I commit myself to stop abusing myself and instead treat myself with kindness, gentleness, forgiveness and love.

I commit myself to notice, stop, face, examine, breathe through and release all of my mind-images, including the ones about my body and others'.

I commit myself to carry full responsibility of myself, my process of change and my thoughts, words and actions.

I commit myself to live patience and consistency.

I commit myself to always consider the state of my body's well-being as a whole.

I commit myself to stand fearless within myself as myself.

truth be told

Muutaman päivän sisällä olen kokenut useammassa tilanteessa omakohtaisesti sen, miten ihmiset nousevat takajaloilleen kun mainitseekin käsitteen "totuus" - ikään kuin olisin sohaissut jonkinlaista yhä sinnittelevää tabua. En todella tiennyt että sellaisia vielä onkaan. Naivia, ehkä. Halu uskoa ihmisistä "enemmän" kuin mitä he ovat, varmasti. Potentiaalin olemassaolo ei tarkoita sen todennäköista hyödyntämistä.

Pari päivää sitten satuin osalliseksi keskusteluun sosiaalisessa mediassa. Kaveri ahdistui jotakin dilemmaansa, johon heitin pari ajatusta - suorasanaisia ja suhteellisen tiivistettyjä toteamuksia asioista, jotka koin todeksi. Keskusteluun liittyi kolmas osapuoli, joka kommentoi omaa kommenttiani "moralisoinniksi", koska en ollut tarkentanut kommentissani olleiden ajatusten olevan omia mielipiteitäni. Hän kaipasi fraasia "minun mielestäni". Oman kertomansa mukaan hän kokee aggressiota aina kun havaitsee muiden "julistavan omaa totuuttaan universaaliksi totuudeksi" (tarkistaisin tarkat sanamuodot, mutta kyseinen henkilö poisti jo omat kommenttinsa) - itsetutkiskelua vaativa pointti jo sinänsä, kuten kaikki aggressio. Koin kuitenkin myös itse vaatimuksen epäoleellisena. Tarkoitukseni ei ollut "moralisoida" tai esittää "universaaleja totuuksia", vaan osallistua keskusteluun heittämällä ajatuksia, kuten hedelmällisessä keskusteluympäristössä voi tehdä pelkäämättä kritiikin kohdistuvan henkilökohtaisuuksiin. Moralisoiva "äänensävy" oli tällöin lukijan itsensä omien pelkojensa ja epävarmuuksiensa pohjalta tekemä tulkinta.

Keskustelu jatkui ja sai aggressiivisempia ja hyökkäävämpiä sävyjä (enkä yritä nyt tehdä itsestäni uhria, mind you) ja oma toimintani sen suhteen perustui periaatteelle "jos kysytään, vastaa; jos et osaa, sano se suoraan". Hengitin, keskityin olemaan tässä, päästin irti tunnetiloista, pyrin itserehellisyyteen. Pyrin sanomaan kaiken niin selkeästi kuin osasin, samalla perustellen omia ajatuksiani myös itselleni - loistava haasteellinen tilanne kaiken kaikkiaan. Kaiken tämän keskellä tajusin olevani tilanteessa, joka on minulle aivan uusi: konflikti, jossa ensimmäistä kertaa pyrin seisomaan suorassa, olemaan alistumatta ja myöntymättä, olemaan myötäilemättä toisten argumentteja. Olen pitkään ollut taipuvainen "vakuuttumaan" tarpeeksi karismaattisesti tai hyvin perustellun oloisesti esitetyistä "totuuksista", vaikka tietäisin niiden olevan pielessä - olen sallinut itseni kääntää introverttiuteni niin alistuneeksi, että olen ollut kynnysmatto. En ole sitä enää.

Koska tämä tilanne oli minulle uusi ja minuun kohdistuva kyseenalaistaminen alkoi mennä jo asiattomaksi (kommenttini luettiin suodattimen läpi, jossa asenteeni nähtiin kusipäisenä ylimielisyytenä, ja se tuotiin ilmi karkean karikatyrisoinnin kautta - en kokenut sitä loukkaavana, mutta ymmärsin, että näistä lähtökohdista on mahdoton käydä enää keskustelua), aloin kokea turhautumista ja väsymistä, ja pysäytettyäni ne päätin että tämä keskustelu on tässä. Täytyy osata lopettaa.

Eräs lukioaikainen ystäväni halusi keskusteluissa usein kyseenalaistaa vain kyseenalaistamisen vuoksi - saattaakseen toisen turhautuneeseen umpikujaan ja voittaakseen keskustelun - ja kun kieltäydyin jatkamasta keskustelua joko toivottomuudesta tai silkkaa osaamattomuuttani, hän totesi voitonriemuisesti ääneen: "Emmi luovutti". Siksi koin vaikeaksi lähteä tänäisestä keskustelusta jo aiemmin, vaikka olisin voinut, ja olisin säästänyt itseltäni paljon itseni toistamista: olen oppinut ajatuksen, että keskusteleminen on "peli", jossa on "voittajia" ja "häviäjiä". En ole koskaan pitänyt siitä, ja olen ennemmin keskittynyt rakentavampiin keskustelun muotoihin, siten miten se on ollut keskustelukumppanien suhteen mahdollista. Kuitenkin nyt, kun osuin hyökkäyksen kohteeksi, asetuin taas osaksi peliä - en oman argumentointini, vaan pelkän aggressiiviseen keskusteluun osallistumisen kautta. Ei se ole keskustelua vaan väittely, eikä väittelyissä saavuteta mitään muuta kuin voitto sille, joka esittää argumenttinsa uskottavammin / karismaattisemmin.

Kun kehotin kanssakeskustelijoita tarkastelemaan sitä, miksi he reagoivat taipumattomuuteeni tällä tavalla (reaktio on merkki siitä, että jokin aiheutti sinussa impulssin reagoida - esimerkki: halu syödä suklaata sydänsuruihinsa ei ole sen sinut dumpanneen idiootin syytä, vaan merkki siitä, että sinulla oli odotuksia ja toiveita juuri päättyneen ihmissuhteen suhteen -> miksi asettaa odotuksia ylipäänsä -> impulssi syödä suklaata lähti omista peloistasi), vastaus oli, että laitan "vastuun viestinnän sujuvuudesta keskustelun kaikille muille osapuolille". Itse näen kantavani vastuuni keskustelussa olemalla ensisijaisesti itselleni (ja sen vaikutuksesta myös muille) rehellinen omien pelkojeni, odotusteni, tunteideni, motivaatioideni ja ajatusteni suhteen. Se on nähdäkseni vastuullisempaa kuin odottaa muilta vahvistusta omien pelkojensa olemassaololle (viitaten tällä totuuden julistajia vastaan koettuun aggressioon ja siten tiettyjen keskustelunormien vaatimiseen jotta itsellä olisi helpompi olla).

Mulla on ollut taipumus murentua vastarintaa kohdatessani, koska olen ottanut muiden kyseenalaistuksen henkilökohtaisena kritiikkinä, ja määritellyt itseni sen mukaan "huonommaksi". Tässähän olen ja korjaan sen synnyttämiä pelkotiloja, vääristynyttä minäkuvaa ja itseluottamusta. On hullua tajuta mikä määrä konfliktia mua vielä odottaa tällä tiellä. Better get used to it.

she's afraid of a light in the dark

Pelkäänkö muutosta?

Tajusin juuri sisäänpäinkääntyneisyyteni olevan ympäröivän todellisuuden pelkäämistä. En ole aina joka ikisessä tilanteessa introvertti, sillä esimerkiksi teatterilla koen oloni parhaimmillaan niin turvalliseksi, että uskallan ilmaista itseäni pelkäämättä ja kohdata muut ihmiset pelkäämättä. Ongelma onkin siinä, että teatteriryhmä on rakennettu illuusio erillään yhteiskunnasta, joten jos en saa sitä samaa vapauden ja luottamuksen tuntua rakennettua itsestäni lähteväksi, en voikaan kohdata maailmaa täysin auki. Maailma ei taputa ketään päähän, tee myönnytyksiä ja lakkaa olemasta uhkaava. Minä vaikutan maailman uhkaavuuden jatkumiseen omalla pelollani – kaikki aggressio on pelkoa.

Siksi olen ihmissuhteissa aina kääntynyt sisäänpäin: olla niin lähellä toista ihmistä, monin tavoin alasti ja ehdotonta luottamusta vaatien on ollut liian pelottavaa. Tajusin tämän kun aloin pohtia sitä, miksen osaa antaa ihmissuhteessa toiselle niin negatiivista kuin positiivistakaan palautetta. Tosiasia on se, että en ole oikeasti läsnä. Jos olisin läsnä ja aistisin ympäröivän todellisuuden sellaisena kuin se on, olisin tässä ja olisin nyt, ja jos itseilmaisuni olisi vapaata, palaute kumpuaisi luonnollisesti juuri niissä hetkissä kun palautteelle syntyy aihetta.

Ympäröivän maailman pelko juontaa lapsuuteen, kuten aiemmin tajusin, enkä voi siis syyttää omista pelkotiloistani esimerkiksi ketään seurustelukumppaneistani. Olen aiemmin vedonnut muiden tekemiin vääryyksiin ja niiden aiheuttamiin traumoihin, vaikka todellisuudessa olen vain luonut syntipukin jonka taakse paeta ongelmieni todellisia syitä. Jokainen tähän astinen seurustelusuhteeni on ollut pelkoni ja täten sisäänpäinkäätyneisyyteni kyllästämää ja raskauttamaa.

Näiden asioiden kohtaaminen, työstäminen ja niistä irti päästäminen tuntuvat ahdistavilta, koska ajatus siitä, että olisin joskus peloton ja vapaa kohtaamaan todellisuuden on itsessään pelottava ajatus. Onko minusta siihen? Miksei olisi? On yleisesti hyväksyttyä elää vaikka koko elämänsä omien tekosyidensä takana ja tukea muiden kulisseja. Sanon itseni irti siitä leikistä.

Pelätä toista ihmistä, pelätä tuomituksi tulemista, pelätä omaa riittämättömyyttään, pelätä epäonistumisia, pelätä omaa ilmaisuaan - pelätä itseänsä. Kaikki palaa itseen.

Palatakseni tähän hetkeen tilanteessa kuin tilanteessa kaikki tilanteet on purettava rakennuspalikoihinsa. Kaikki kohtaamiset on aloitettava perusasioista. On pelottavaa alkaa rikkoa totuttuja kaavoja tietyn ihmisen kanssa irroittamalla niistä kaikista hengittämällä ja olemalla tässä, olematta automaattiohjauksella, mutta kerta kerralta se muuttuu helpommaksi, muutos vähemmän pelottavaksi. Henkäys henkäykseltä, sykähdys sykähdykseltä, sana sanalta, katse katseelta, liike liikkeltä, kosketus kosketukselta minä muutun.

susta tuli kaunis ja ylpee

I am stuck with pride. I have been teaching myself humility ever since I learned it is considered a desirable attribute, something that makes a person attractive to others, but now I feel like I've been cheating myself all along, that I never wanted to learn humility for its own sake but for the way being humble would make me appear. I don't see all that time gone to waste as I seem to have actually learned something, but I can't help but fear that the foundation for that which I've taught myself might start to crumble. I don't trust myself. I'm afraid I'll turn into a beast.

My pride doesn't cause me trouble in everything I do, but it does in the most important of things. An example: today I absent-mindedly imagined a situation where a family member challenged my profession, my ability to do my job well. In that imagined situation my reaction was aggression, and that family member had to respond with aggression to make me realize I needed to be humble and accept that she might know a lot about this business as well. As that imaginary situation flashed through my mind within a second, I was startled to realize the amount of insecurity it implied. Although I did just realize, that if the person challenging me would have been any other person instead of this family member, my reaction would have been more friendly, yet perhaps somehow one that tries to maintain a higher status, unless the one challenging me is clearly of a "higher rank". I think this problem actually originates with the person I'm referring to, or at least the aggression does, but I will not open it here as it is of a personal kind. Seeing that there's still a mild reaction to other challengers as well, I'm still a bit wary of myself.

There was also another thing today that triggered the pride issue. I noticed a reaction that told me I can't accept and execute an idea offered by a certain person, because people around me (that person included) might see it as copying, being brainwashed or an attempt to please. I got really irritated, because I find the idea really intriguing and worth a try, and it would suck to not attempt it because of a fear of others reacting to it in a negative, demeaning way. If it considers my process and might be of assistance, why should anyone's reactions stop me from doing it?

What's worrisome is also the fact that the better I get at music, the less I have to face the insecurity that drives me nuts every time someone's "better" than me. I noticed it surfacing a couple of times at my entrance exams and tried to stop it every time it arose, but as I was better than most, all I was dealing with was "good, no competition from that one". Although the better I get, the less I have a need of proving myself. I know I can, and I know others can, too.

What this all comes down to is my insecurity. I still feel like I need to prove myself "worthy" by some imagined standards through whatever it is I happen to be doing. There are some exceptions, though: whenever I do things out of pure joy, the insecurity disappears. For example, in the entrance exams I ended up acting mostly through joy and managing to keep the fear to a minimum, and that, I think, is the reason I seem to have succeeded. (I tried talking about the joy to my fellow candidates, but the ones I talked to didn't seem to get it, or maybe it was too much too sudden. Oh well, maybe I'll get another chance once I get in. God, I hope so. That's one small thing I can do to influence the business, to be the virus within the beast: start a conversation within that small group of people I will be working with. Define the language you will be using, do it carefully, establish a working foundation for communication. That's where I'll begin, where we will begin.)

Joy might be a channel for me to release pride. Acting out of joy. There is no fear in joy. One can act out of duty, responsibility, need, "calling", whatever, but is any of that truly fearless? Joy leaves one very bare; it is to expose your nature. One needs to be without fear to rejoice. I think one needs to find joy in whatever they do to make it worth while, but not through the mind by thinking "tralalaa yes I find this most enjoyable now don't I", trying to trick oneself into "liking" what they're doing - joy can be found by simply being here right now, by being present in every moment of every action. You need to clean the toilet? Fine! Grab the brush and do it. No deed is actually unenjoyable: we just make them that way by telling ourselves they are "deeds" and "stuff we have to do" (such as working) instead of every moment just being here and every action being purely just that, an action, movement, presence. What you will, will be.

time within time after time

"The most important person is the one you're with." This sentence shapes the thought that when your presence shares another's, that person should be your number one priority above all else, also stating that this moment is all that counts, since it's all you have.


Have I really understood that sentence, the idea behind it? I keep on feeling insecure about being present around other people. I often let my mind wonder from one stretch of the world to another when spending time with someone, and almost as often I feel bad about it afterwards. It's like I'm stuck within my subjective experience: I'm letting those unique moments go to waste by not fixating my attention on my companion or the opportunities the moment possesses. Occasionally, I've noticed, the mind-wondering is caused by the fear of facing those opportunities. Mind creates a shield by being somewhere, sometime else.


Yet I don't feel like I'm doing this completely wrong, either. I like to think of those moments (whenever I remember that every interaction is that kind of a moment) as people standing next to each other in that present time and space, letting life flow through their existence as they are as the two of them (or more), bound by mutual will to be there. It's a very sensuous image, and I'm not sure what it means to practice it. I guess it's something free of obligation, free of expectation, openness to all that comes.


I'm also striving towards making that time with the one you're with a time free of hurry; a timeless space within time. When it succeeds, when I actually forget about time, stop caring about digits and follow that rhythm interaction creates, it feels magnificent. If life has a reason, it has something to do with those moments between people.


What about those moments when you're alone? The one you're with is yourself. I guess oneself, too, deserves some priority time. How does one make existence flow like that when with oneself?