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I have just gone through an extensive realization, videologged an hour of my speech and transcribed it for the past two hours. I'm still not sure whether posting the whole log (a wall of text) is a good idea, even if cleaned up a bit, as I'm not sure if anyone will find it a good read at all, but I think I'll post it anyway just as a reminder to myself. I'm gonna have to do a lot more writing on this subject but I'm kicking this subject to a start.
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I am here and I carry myself and I
am breathing through an emotional state I call “being shaken”. I
just breathed through this. I was about to fall and crumble, but I
was able to breathe my way through it and stop it and let go of it. I
asked myself for permission to fall and I didn't give it. This is a
point I am gonna have to face – rephrase: This is a point I am now
facing by myself as myself within myself, not relying on someone
else, not blaming others, carrying my responsibility and seeing
myself as I am and as I have been. Also slowing myself down to stay
here in breath and to stay factual and to let go of all emotions that
may occur. I felt the need to fall because I now have to face a point
that is very-- I was going to stay “very deep within me”, but I
now rephrase: I'm going to face a point I have believed to be a
fundamental part of me, and that it is what I am and who I am. I
have believed this to be true and I have believed this to be
something that cannot be changed.
The point in hand is the point of
being passive vs. being active. I have believed that I am passive,
that I am silent, non-talkative, quiet and withdrawn, and that it is
ok and that it is a sign of me being more than others. I have
glorified those attributes because they have been what's been keeping
me safe. Within being quiet I have been safe from my fear of saying
something stupid and thus appearing to others as something they can
judge, as something "less than". Within being silent and non-talkative
I have lived the illusion that being silent is the sign of wisdom and
insight and great knowledge, that it is wisdom to speak rarely, that
to speak quality requires that you speak rarely, whereas I have seen
this fact to be untrue with other people. I have met talkative people
that talk very relevant points and rarely any bullshit. And as I am
no different from any other human being, as we are all the same, I am
no exception to that. I too can be active, for example, when
discussing, and, okay, I was going to say “appear wise, appear
clever, say smart things”, but the point is not that, the point is
self-expression. And as I have lived myself in situations within
certain circumstances where I do express without any fear, I express
constantly, I express as myself - I have experienced this within
theatre - I know that my nature, too, is not, at least in every
situation, to be silent, to be passive.
There may be a time for being
active and for being passive, I'm not sure about that point yet, I'm
not sure whether it's valid, but I will try it and figure out. I
hereby commit myself to face the situations I have usually faced with
being passive by facing them anew through being active. There are
many of those situations, as most of my interactions with people have
been of the passive kind. I constantly wait to be drawn in. I wait
for someone else to initiate. I wait for someone else to direct, abandoning my own self-directed nature; I am the
director of my life and my experience. And if I give that
responsibility away every time I interact with people, then I'm not
directing my experiene, I'm abandoning all control. I have been
facing this point in different situations lately, and I am now
committing myself to facing it. I'm right now thinking that it's a
big point, but instead of making the point any bigger than it
actually is, it is just a point, I'm now rephrasing to say it's a vast
one that connects with a multitude of points, and that it's a point
that's going to require some consistency to work. Not some
consistency, all consistency, and commitment and realization [the act of making
real, bringing to reality].
I'm gonna have to face – no rephrase: I face right now the
fact that I am only myself, I cannot rely on anyone else, no one else
has responsibility over me, I am the only one with responsibility
over myself. That means that I have got to – rephrasing: that I am
taking control. That means I take control, I am in control. That
means I take active steps in facing, stopping, breathing through,
redirecting and releasing the situations. Will do self-forgiveness:
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that being passive is an essential part of who I am and what I am.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify
passiveness within my fear of being active.
I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the reasons behind my
fear of being active.
Sidenote: I didn't address this at all just
now, I'm glad it opened up. I fear being active because I fear the
consequences of it. When I was a child I used to be very active and I
expressed myself freely without fear. But at school I learned that if
I express myself freely I will be ridiculed, abandoned, mocked and
looked down upon. My freedom of expression made the other girls,
other kids, shun me, and consequently I spent a chilhood and most of
my teenage years in solitude and loneliness. It begun as loneliness,
and as I adjusted as a teenager it became solitude, which I glorified
to be able to make my way through it, to make it bearable; to make
loneliness bearable I glorified it, I lifted myself above those who
were active. Passiveness was somehow a superior trait.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being
passive is a superior trait compared to being active.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label every avctive
person as reckless or stupid or restless from within my fear of never
being able to-- it has been jealousy as I have been afraid that I
will never be able to express myself in the way that they do [a point of separation].
So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to fear losing people as I have avoided facing this point.
Right now it affects me at this moment very much – rephrase, erase
the “very much”, it affects me – that I have been avoiding this
point and some other points that are linked to this, and I have
avoided them at the expence of others that have been involved, and I
have experienced shame, regret, guilt – breathing through it all [right now] –
and I have wanted to apologize, but then I have remembered the best
apology I can ever make is to never do that again. So I have been
afraid to face this point. I haven't really had the tools, but I
haven't been looking for them either. And right now it bothers me
cause I am afraid of losing someone I care about because of the fact
that I have been escaping this point. And within that fear I have
also just wanted to get this thing overwith, just so I wouldn't have
to lose this person, but within the fear of losing someone I state
that I need that person, that I wouldn't be able to be without that
person, or that that person is somehow required for me to continue
living, which is not true, which I know very well. And as I am here
as breath it is quite obvious that there is no one but me. And the
best apoloqy I can make is to actually face this point the best I
can. And the best I can is all, and I can do all, as I am everything.
Now that I got that said, I will try to go on.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to live the belief that I am what
I am and cannot and should not change, as I have learned from the
norms dictating the flow of life around me.
A song started to play in
my head, a song I listened to today, What Your Soul Sings by Massive
Attack. It has very good lyrics. It's about realizing that change is
about rearranging your mind, and realizing that the one you love is
you. To me that means that the only thing you'll ever love is you,
that everything here is the same, everything is you, you are
everything. Once you get there, it's when your soul sings. [soul
singing can also be associated with self-expression] And the song is also about letting go, and now
it's playing in my head. Fitting. And it somehow moves me, as I am in
the emotional state I call shaken. It came to my head quite
involuntarily, yet not coincidentally.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to only be active within certain
circumstances. These circumstances now mean certain settings where I
have felt safe. There have been more than one, there is one major
one, that is the theatre I have been in for the past 13 years. Even
though in that theatre as well it took me a long while to learn that
trust. I have also had a relationship where I was able to express
myself quite freely. Not completely without fear, but it was a place
where I felt free, somewhat free, more free than with other people. I
made that relationship special by allowing myself things within it I
wouldn't have allowed with other people. So yes, I have allowed
myself to express myself freely only within certain circumstances,
not realizing I could do that all the time, that it is the natural
state of being where life actually is, that that state of expression
is what is actually here [a point of honesty]. So I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not express myself freely with everyone
everywhere in every situation from within the fear of not measuring
up, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of not being enough, the fear
of ending up alone, the fear of being with myself, the fear of facing
myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
avoid facing myself for all my life until now.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to blame those who abandoned me,
or manifested the situation where I experienced abandonment.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive
those people hoping they might feel guilt, and that that guilt might
redeem what they did to me, within all this completely ignoring the
fact that I am responsible of my experience. I have full
responsibility of how I direct my life and my experience.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the
definition of myself I have made as I child as I have suppressed
myself to fit a certain character, a certain role, a certain mold, a
certain form.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to make this issue a “big one”, to name it big, to give it
an adjective that states it is of a large size, when in fact it is
just another point that is equal to all of my points, and that
releasing it is behind the same effort as every other point. This issue
is not big, it simply is. It exists and as I release it it will no
longer exist. And that's how simple it is. And I forgive myself that
within the process of making it bigger, making it “more than”, I
have accepted and allowed myself to create more resistance towards it
than towards other points I have been facing, thus making it harder
myself by creating more resistance.
Now, the thing with the
definition is something that is new to me, but it's making very much
sense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not realize that as a human being equal to everyone else my
expression can be anything at all, anything I desire and anything it
actually becomes, not following any pattern or any image or any norm.
I haven't realized that I can actually be whatever I want to. The
definition of me being passive has been so, uh, unquestioned by me
and by everyone else that I've never had to face it, and I have
always blamed it on someone else. I have blamed it on the world
instead of facing the fact that I have been limiting myself from
expressing myself freely, from mastering the human nature.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression
based on what I believe that I fundamentally am.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am
fundamentally passive and that there's nothing I can do about it, and
within all this abandoning all responsibility of my own experience
and directing my own experience and my own life.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world, blame
everyone else for my passiveness. No, not for my passiveness, but I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame
everyone else of the negative experiences I have had, so that I
wouldn't have to face that it is because of the way
I limit myself to be passive and not active.
I will do private
SF on specific points, but this is now a transcript that's going to
be public. Is this fucing real? Okay, emotion, reaction, breathe.
Right now I am honestly quite amazed about how I have been missing
this point all this time. I'm having an emotional reaction where I am
experiencing frustration and simple surprisement, but I am actually
bewildered that I have missed this point for so long, when it's
actually really simple. I am very, very relieved. Joy. It's actually
very simple. Wow.
It's about choosing as well. Or is it? Is being
active and being passive, is that a choice? Is all passiveness just a
limitation? Is it now? Why am I passive? Is there a state where being
passive would be a natural expression? Being is passive is shutting
down, it's being withdrawn, it's being within oneself, it's not
acting, not speaking, not taking one's space. Now that I look at it,
it's very... you have all the access to yourself within yourself,
yes, you may explore what's within you to a certain extent, without
being “bothered” by what's outside of you, but that kind of a
state of being will only get you that far, as you are not alone in
this world. I am not alone in this world, and I cannot fully
experience it and I cannot fully act within it if I am only within
myself. One has got to come out eventually, there is only so much one
can do within oneself.
I commit myself to face my passiveness by
noticing and stopping it whenever I notice I am being passive, and by
looking at it, [identifying it,] facing it, breathing through it,
redirecting it and letting go of it.
I commit myself to change myself
within the situations I am usually passive in by facing the reasons I
am being passive, most likely fears, by dealing with those fears, and
trying out what being active would bring me.
I commit myself to
experiment with activeness. I know that so far within my adult life I
haven't faced a situation where being active would actually have
brought me harm, whereas being passive has. So now I commit myself, this is fun [laughter]. I accept this challenge! Fuck it! I commit myself to replace
my passiveness with activeness within every situation to see whether
being active would actually bring more results, or more favourable
results, or more concrete results than being passive. I'm going to
try this to see whether being active would actually assist my
progress instead of holding it back like passiveness does. [laughter] Oh god this is so obvious! So obvious. I know right? How have I been
missing this point?
What does commitment mean? Commitment means to
give myself fully. It's not about giving up oneself. It's about
giving the full resources I have and I am to the purpose of achieving
whatever it is your committing to. So it's not about surrendering. It
is about making a decision, directing your resources, directing your
energy towards whatever it is you want to achieve. And yes, I'm
terrified to do this. No, that's again another superlative. I am
scared, but it is yet another fear, just a fear among fears. And I
have conquered a many fears, and the fear of being active is just
another fear, one and equal to all the rest. It just happenes to
touch a many things in my life, most of the things in my life. It is
going to require me a lot of stopping, a lot of very self-conscious
actions; it is going to require that I commit myself to being here in
every situation. If I am not here in every situation then I will not
make any progress. I will never face the situations as they are, and
I will stay within the frame of that situation and within the
illusion of that situation.
I have been avoiding facing this point
for a long time at the expence of others. And myself, it's also a
form of self-abuse. But it has affected other people extensively. I
commit myself to carry full responsibility of the consequences of my
actions and inactions, the consequences of my avoidance. And I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause harm,
be it insecurity, ignorance, uncertainty, whatever [this point requires more opening up] to
another being because of my fear of facing myself and taking
responsibility. I forgive myself for that. I still regret it very
much, but I know realize there is nothing I can do about past events,
no matter how recent, and that the best apology I can make is to live
it. Not by being sorry all the time, but through actual change. And
through actual change I will release the prisoners I have been
holding, the prisoners that are all in the end just me. I will also
release all the hatred and bitterness I've carried towards others for
actions that have been caused, for example, by ignorance that has
been caused by my dishonesty. It feels really bad to say that, but I
now realize that has been the case.
I commit myself to change. I
commit myself to change the way I am in situations to see whether it
works or not. I commit myself to change who I am and I commit myself
to release myself from the belief that my essence is of a certain
attribute, when in fact my essence is in humanity, my essence is
basically a void, my essence is the same as everyone's, there's
nothing else. And that is such a relief.
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