"Words are tears that have been written down. Tears are words that need to be shed. Without them, joy loses all its brilliance and sadness has no end."

maanantai 13. elokuuta 2012

Erakko / The Hermit


"I inhabit the constant and await my end,
Content to dwell in peace, accepting the flux of things.
I only regret that there is no kindred spirit here
to climb this ladder of sky and clouds with me."
Hsieh Ling-yün

Kolmisen vuotta sitten kävin ystäväni kanssa taidenäyttelyssä. Taiteilija oli tutkinut eri uskontoja ja erinäisiä mystiikan koulukuntia, ja mukana oli muun muassa tarot-kortteja käsittelevä valokuvateos. Itse näyttely ei tehnyt minuun kovin suurta vaikutusta, sillä tutkimusmatka tuntui jättäneen lähinnä pintapuolisen vaikutuksen taiteilijaan jättäen täten hänen teoksensakin vaille syvyyttä, mutta näyttelyssä oli myös osio, jossa sai laskea syntymäaikansa mukaan oman nimikkokorttinsa tarot-pakasta. Minun tulokseni oli Suurten Salaisuuksien yhdeksäs kortti: Erakko. Reaktioni oli ensin tyrmistys, että tämäkö on minun “kohtaloni”, universumi? Kaikista koko pakan korteista minun syntymäaikani määrittää minut Erakoksi? Seuraavaksi käännyin kapinaan: Minä elän itseni irti kohtalostani, todistan numerot vääräksi, kumoan ennustukset. Minä kieltäydyn. Voin valita olla erakko, mutta kukaan älköön minua siihen tuomitko.

Tässä jätin kokonaan huomioimatta sen, mikä ajoi minut kieltämään “kohtalona” pitämäni määritellyn roolin: pelko siitä, että se toteutuu. Jos pelkoa ei olisi ollut, olisin voinut päästää irti koko käsitteestä, mutta sen sijaan takerruin pelkooni ja istutin sen kiinni elämääni.

Erakkous on ollut läsnä elämässäni jo pitkään. Lapsena eristäydyin muista ihmisistä tultuani kiusatuksi, ja olen vetäytynyt entistä syvemmälle itseeni pitkin nuoruuttani. Yksinolo muodostui normaaliksi olotilaksi, josta opin nauttimaan; yksinäisyys pakolliseksi haitaksi, johon minulla itselläni ei ollut vaikutusvaltaa. Olen ollut varhaisesta lapsuudesta alkaen hyvin sulkeutunut ja tullut toimeen itsenäisesti, ja ympäristöni on oppinut määrittelemään sen ominaisuuden siksi, mitä minä “olen” - “Emmi nyt vain on tuollainen”. Olen oppinut hyväksymään erakon maineeni, koska ympäristönikin on määritellyt minut sellaiseksi. Olen kuitenkin pitkään tiedostanut sen haitat ja yrittänyt löytää keinoja työstää itseäni siitä irti. Siksi reagoin turhautuneisuudella laskiessani Erakon omaksi kortikseni: eikö tämä leima, rooli ja taakka lakkaa ikinä vainoamasta minua? Toisin sanoen: Onko minun kohtaloni olla ikuisesti yksin?

Olen sen jälkeen alkanut sisäistää ajatuksen siitä, että me olemme kaikki lopulta yksin – syntymässä ja kuolemassa kukin on yksin, vailla ihmisiä ja omaisuutta, vain sinä mitä todella on. Jokaisen “kohtalo” on siis todellakin olla yksin, vaan ei siinä mielessä kuin sen alunperin mielsin. Tämän elämän läpi ei täydy kulkea kantaen yksinäisyyttä, mutta yksinäisyyttä ei karkoiteta keräämällä ympärilleen ihmisiä, sillä yksinäisyyden alkupiste on ihmisessä itsessään: jos etsii jatkuvasti seuraa, koska itsensä kanssa oleminen on “tylsää” eli virikkeetöntä ja epämiellyttävää, etsii vain jotakin, joka harhauttaisi oman huomionsa pois siitä, ettei osaa kohdata omaa itseänsä ja olla itsensä seurassa. Kun ottaa huomioon sen, että ihmisen todellinen luonne syntymän ja kuoleman vinkkelistä on olla yksin, ja että kukaan meistä ei pääse toisen ihmisen pään sisälle, vaan ainoastaan omansa, tuntuu loogiselta se, että ihmisen luonne olentona on olla yksin – yksi suurimpia haasteita ja oppiläksyjä tässä elämässä, jossa on kovin helppoa unohtua nauttimaan kaikista hurmaavista persoonista paitsi itsestään (joka taas ei ole pohjimmiltaan lainkaan persoona eli naamio).

Todellisuudessa pelkoni “yksin jäämisestä” on edelleen itseni pelkäämistä ja itseltäni pakenemista. Tiedän, että en voi todellisuudessa jäädä milloinkaan yksin, sillä kun olen läsnä itsessäni itseni hyväksyen olen aina “itseni kanssa”, ja kun olen auki maailmalle se aukeaa minulle. Kun takerrun pelkooni yksin jäämisestä kieltäydyn hyväksymästä omaa “seuraani” sellaisena kuin se on, suljen itseni maailmalta ja elämältä, ja täten en myöskään hyödynnä täyttä potentiaaliani ihmisolentona kieltämällä oman olemassaoloni luonteen.

Tämä pelko näkyy edelleen esimerkiksi hetkissä, joissa keskustelen toisen ihmisen kanssa, mutta jätän jotakin kertomatta – tällöin pelkään sen, minkä jätän kertomatta, olevan jotakin “tuomittavaa” tai “likaista”, jota en halua toisten kohtaavan, etteivät he tuomitse ja hylkää minua – ja hylätyksi tulemisen pelko on yksin jäämisen pelkoa. Usein nämä pienet kertomatta ja jakamatta jätetyt asiat ovat sellaisia, joita en myöskään itse halua kohdata itsessäni.

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Itseanteeksianto / self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it is my “destiny” to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it is in my nature / an essential part of “who I am” to be introverted, withdrawn, quiet and solitary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the personality ( = mask) which I and my surroundings have defined to be introverted, withdrawn, quiet and solitary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “rebel” against this “destiny” by denying it and refusing to accept what it means, not realizing that by doing so I bind myself to it and to its consequences (loneliness, sadness, anxiety, addiction, depression).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is a “high judge” called “the universe” that has the power to rule me and decide my “destiny” for me instead of realizing I am the creator of my own experience and the director of my life, creating my own “destiny” as I walk through life within each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is a thing called “destiny” - a goal at the end of my life that has been decided for me beyond my comprehension and without the consent of my current consciousness – and that I have accepted and allowed myself to act accordingly, without directing and taking responsibility of my own life, right here and now within and as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “destiny” as an excuse to follow certain paths that felt good but led to nothing concrete without exploring all the other paths available and questioning the one I was walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been driven into solitude by fear, that I have held onto it because of fear and that staying within the solitude will allow the fear to keep on existing; within this I realize I must step out and let go of solitude in order to face and free myself of the fear that drove me into solitude in the first place – the fear of being judged – the fear of not being enough – the fear of ending up alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the fear that drove me into solitude to be valid – that the social world is based on ugly competition, and that it is ok for me to “protect” myself from the punches by closing myself up within my shell; in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel “safe” within my unpenetrable shell of not-sharing, not-talking, not-communicating and not-participating, not realizing I am alienating and separating myself from myself and life, thus growing all the more “vulnerable” and unable to face the world outside my shell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping out of my shell because I have been afraid I'm not able to face the world without it; in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to face the world and to define myself as “weak” and “unable”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what my surroundings defined me to be throughout my childhood and to accept that definition as mine and to reinforce it within my thoughts, speech and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not carry my responsibility of the consequences of defining myself as introverted, withdrawn, quiet and solitary and consequently weak and unable, and thus blaming others (destiny, God, family, friends, other kids) for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the concept of ultimate solitude – the fact that essentially we're all alone – and to escape it by clinging to people and hoping they would be a “remedy” to my loneliness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the concept of ultimate solitude into images of the afterlife where I reunite with deceased loved ones; I now see and realize the solace I found in these images was only treating the symptoms of the root cause, and that it even if we did reunite in the afterlife, which we cannot be sure of, it would not be of relevance in this life and the speculation itself is not enough basis for any kind of action or inaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my fear of being alone by looking for the company of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my fear of facing myself as I am alone into entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my fear of facing myself as I am with someone into entertainment, characters and social games, all from within my shell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “boredom” when with others, as I have been afraid that if I do not succeed in entertaining the other, I will be judged as a “boring person” and I will be abandoned – I will end up alone – not realizing that the purpose of kinship is not to entertain one another but to support each other, and that if we were both to allow ourselves to become “bored”, we would see each other and ourselves as we really are – an important thing to realize if we want to manifest actual support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death as it represents ultimate loneliness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe other people to be their personas (masks) and to like, love, adore, admire and respect the personas instead of facing who they really are by revealing myself; in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing myself to others and thus keep up my own personas and believe them to be true, separating myself from myself even further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to stop and look at my reactions and deal with them openly with whoever they concern, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my reactions from others and myself in the fear of losing others and thus “ending up alone”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my reactions in the fear of not being “good enough”; I now realize that within the act of hiding I am making myself “less than” what I actually am, that by limiting and restricting myself I cannot reach my full potential as a human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and restrict myself because I have believed it will keep me “safe” from criticism, humiliation, pain and embarrasment, not realizing the act of limitation itself creates more points to be embarrassed, humiliated and afraid of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious in the company of others wanting to be alone “for a change”, not realizing that the resistance to stay in others' company tells that I find the situation lacking something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the reason I haven't been able to relax and express myself freely in the company of others has been myself and not something I can blame on those others.



I commit myself to let go of the word “destiny” and instead live here and now self-directed carrying full responsibility of my future.

I commit myself to dismantle all of my characteristics and to reveal what's really underneath them. Thus I also commit myself to find out whether any of them is actually true and to let go of each one that is not.

I commit myself to step out of my solitude to face the fears that I escaped, and to face, see and realize the solitude itself to find out whether it's worth living within and as solitude.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to trust myself and to stand within myself without a shell, and thus realize I don't need a shell to “take the punches”, that I can handle every situation and challenge as myself, here, within and as breath.

I commit myself to live in-dependency – to carry myself fully as I have responsibility of myself, not dependent on anyone else. My stability is my starting point, the core of my being, and it cannot be built on others, as all others come and go and I am the only one that stays. Thus I commit myself to return to myself, as I will always be right here within myself.

I commit myself to live true to my form, fearless and free in expression, and to not validate the dishonesty of others no more.

I commit myself to notice, stop, breathe, face, look at, breathe through and let go of each reaction that occurs in me, and to share them openly whenever possible.

I commit myself to live openness and honesty.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to learn to communicate.

2 kommenttia:

  1. It is peculiar how small surface slice of each others minds we normally see. How everyone thinks that others are self-confident and strong just because they look self-confident and strong.

    VastaaPoista
    Vastaukset
    1. A big and fundamental realization for me was about six months ago when I realized that everybody is just as afraid of me as I am of them. Demystified a great many things and encounters!

      Poista