Today I had a realization while walking outside: A memory resurfaced from a time three and a half years ago when a major relationship was ending. I recorded it into audio and will now transcribe it into text.
Today, right now I figured out another point. I was thinking about how I broke up with [ex] and [around] that time I had thought to myself: "I would have his children." I made up an image for myself of us having a family, and I stuck to that image, held on to it. And when we broke up, I told him in a very bitter way: "I would have had your children." Actually, no, I didn't tell him that, but that's what I thought [to myself], "I would have had your children", thus implying that it should have been respected, that I was willing to have his children - thus implying he should be grateful if anyone is willing to have his children - thus implying that there is a difference in the value between the two of us - thus implying that there's a difference in the value of a man and a woman and of their reproductive value. And so that statement was invalid in the first place, since there is no difference in the value between any man, any woman, any human being, or their reproductive value (which doesn't exist, pretty much). And thus that whole image of that family, that founded all those invalid statements, was nothing but escapism for me. It was a state of -- It was me trying to find - what I wanted in that family, in that picture of a family, was peace and unity and unconditional love. And also security. Most of all security, as I was very afraid and very insecure and on very fragile ground. Then I realized, that having a family, for many, is escapism. [To add: also escapism from this physical reality and it's problems.] It's creating your own personal heaven, not just between two people [as in a relationship] but between a lot of people, also the kids. The kids contribute to that heaven by being sort of pets, you know, like being there not to be raised but to entertain, to be cute and endearing, whereas I see that a family should be founded on the will to grow. Family should be a foundation for growth.
Most people do know that they're accepting a huge challenge when they start a family: raising children might be the most important thing you'll ever do in your life, since by your influence they will grow up to be full-fledged human beings, with as much will and freedom and ability to act and make a difference than you do. Yet somehow families often seem to turn their backs to the world, living for each other when they could be living for the world, together side by side. I don't want to create a family that lives for itself (or worse, one whose members all live only for themselves). I don't want that image I once had. I think I'm shaping a new one, and yet I'm not sure whether I should be having an image at all. Letting go of creating visions is surprisingly difficult.