On Sunday I was faced with fears, some
of which I was conscious of and some of which I wasn't. The ones I
had been conscious of were of the kind I had been dealing with for
some time but without consistency, and I had been hoping the progress
I had made thus far would be enough for me to face the situation
without addressing the issue with others involved. The ones I had not
been conscious of have been opening up little by little during the
week as I have been conscious of the issue, and more will probably be
revealed as I venture deeper into this issue.
As I decided to leave the issue
unaddressed, the situation ended up in confusion. It was not properly
discussed immediately after, as we, the participants, didn't stop to
clarify what had happened and why. We let it slide out of fear and
everything was left unresolved.
The situation was discussed a few days
afterwards. I had gone through the discussion in my head beforehand,
“rehearsed it” so I would not be misunderstood, and while going
through how I would say what I wanted to say I did find an actual
point of stability when I realized that I would be able to let go of
the ones involved and go on with my life without them; not a
resolution I hope for, but one I would be able to face.
As we discussed I gave into fear before
the issue was even addressed. I was going to address it directly, yet
I didn't, and I waited around for other participants to bring it up
and ask me directly – as is visible, the “rehearsing” didn't
help at all. I knew what I was going to say even without the
mind-preview, as I knew what I was talking about, yet I did not trust
myself.
As we discussed, I faced an
unexpectedly aggressive reaction from another. I have discussed this
issue with others before and depending on the person it has always
been handled differently, yet I have never faced a reaction of such
rejection before. I reacted to the reaction with a fear I closely
relate to the issue at hand – the fear of abandonment. I reacted by
becoming “less”. I went with the reaction of the other and
validated it by making myself “less”, and experienced guilt,
shame and a need to apologize.
After the discussion I was alone in my
apartment and felt a crushing need to “fall”: to let myself
crumble and turn into a hystericly crying mess. I knew I do not want
to allow myself that, as it is an explosion of energy that could be
directed otherwise, and as all the emotions driving me towards
“falling” are of the kind that can be let go of and handled
without crumbling. I forbid myself to collapse and focused on my
breathing, and within the act of forbidding I made a mistake – I
suppressed the emotion trying to get out and stopped myself from
seeing what was actually driving me, and instead I created a new kind
of a demon. I got trapped into a state I now call being “possessed
by energy”.
As I was focusing on my breathing I
really thought I had returned here, but as I could have noticed from
my physical symptoms (crying and shaking) I really was not. I tricked
myself into believing I was doing ok. I have been introduced to the
tool of self-forgiveness and I know it can be used to free myself of
anything I face, and as I thought I was ok and as I really wanted to
let go of what I was experiencing, I ended up using the tools, but as
I noticed afterwards, if utilized from within energy it is nothing
but abusing the tools for ones own end, making no real progress nor
actual change. I had trapped myself within the energy demon that
consisted of a myriad of fears, and from within the fear I tried to
face the things I was at the moment blind to. It was useless and led to writing I published on my blog (http://toepoe.blogspot.fi/2012/08/what-your-soul-sings.html).
As the energy psychosis faded I little
by little started to see everything that went wrong. I now see that I
“failed” even though I know failing is unneccessary on the path
of progress. I asked myself what could have been done differently –
how could this have been avoided – and realized this is not the
question to ask, as the situation could have been settled during the
discussion, or on Sunday, or ten years ago in my childhood, or a
hundred years ago when our culture was developing – you probably
see my point here, as I could go on and on. Things have been leading
up to this point for god knows how long.
As I had been going through these
realizations I also experienced impatience. I wanted to discuss this
stuff through immediately, but then I asked myself why, and realized
that there too lies fear: I fear a delay will cause the other to make
a decision within which any and every “explanation” I present
would not be heard – thus I fear I will be unfairly judged and
abandoned – and then I acquired a point of stability from within
myself that has been within me from since. If I am not heard even
though I speak that which is true in self-honesty without aggression,
and if it is not even discussed, then the one who does not hear is
not what I am looking for and can be let go of with no remorse.
For a few days I have been assisting
myself in maintaining that point of stability and it has been. I
didn't sleep for three nights in a row and the fourth was nothing but
restless dreams, and the night time when I cease my daily activities
is when my mind attacks me, but I have been pulling through
surprisingly good even without sleep. (I have been active during the
day simply because I have had a lot to do, not because I would be
escaping my thoughts – a welcome pause, yes, but I am also
conscious of how one could be escaping into work.)
I will turn to self-forgiveness, now
knowing my tool better.
How greatly deeply Emmi! You have great skills of analytical writing. Your description of "rehearsing" a feared discussion resembles the endless "rehearsals" I conducted in my mind during my difficult teenage years. They were imaginary discussion with my bullies where I was trying to invent snappy replies to their snappy teasing. It was doubly counter-productive: I "lost" most of the debates even in my own head and even the ones that I "won" in my head never turned out to resemble any real situation or help in them. If anything, the real situation got even more difficult because I was getting more mechanical in my replies and more confused when things did not go "according to the script".
VastaaPoistaI am sorry for the heavy emotions you have been through. I am sad you did not sleept for many nights. I wish good rest and strength for you.
Great skills accumulate from great amounts of practice. It's not rocket science once you get down to it.
VastaaPoistaThere are times (recently quite often) when I would just like to yell a big fat "shut up!" to my mind for constantly blabbering and planning things beforehand. The more frustrating it gets, the more I realize the only way to silence my mind in a way that's not suppressive is to deal with the fears and desires that cause me to live from within my mind. It might be a slow process, but consistency will bring about change.