A second blog / Toinen blogi

I created a new blog in which I will go through a 7 year process of daily writing to deconstruct the patterns I have been taught to live as and to reassemble myself. A part of it will consist of self-forgiveness, what I've been publishing in this blog as well. I decided to create a blog for that purpose only and keep this one for possible other writings. Feel free to follow both if you're interested.

http://thespianjourney.blogspot.fi/

Loin uuden blogin, jossa tulen käymään läpi seitsenvuotisen jokapäiväisen kirjoittamisen prosessin. Prosessin aikana tulen käymään läpi mielen mallit ja rakenteet, jotka olen omaksunut ja oppinut, pästämään niistä irti ja kokoamaan itseni uudelleen. Osa prosessia on itseanteeksianto, jota olen jonkin verran julkaissut myös tässä blogissa. Päätin jättää tämän blogin mahdollista muuta kirjoittelua varten ja pitää prosessikirjoittamisen omassa tilassaan. Molempia saa lukea.

What is my responsibility?

I've grown to think that as a waitress my responsibility is to make sure customers get the best and purest products possible. This means that my responsibility is to control quality: to make sure food is as fresh as possible, that cakes are moist and fluffy, that bread is straight from the oven, that vegatables are recently cut, that soda is sparkly, that juice is freshly squeezed, that toilets smell like a flowery meadow; that everything is tip-top over-the-top perfect. The expectations for quality vary a little bit among individuals, but only very little: both rich and poor expect the very best as they're paying extra for “service”.

What this system of set standards and justified demands ignores is the amount of food and resources that goes to waste, literally. I have thus far concluded two major contributors from the waitress-POV for the tons and tons of edible food that get thrown away.

1) The portions are huge. I worked for three years in a big restaurant that was known for its big, so called “men's portions” of food. The image of the place was based on everything “big” and masculine, and the food was also junkfood-y, hamburgers and steaks and all sorts of tex mex stuff. As I worked there I started to take notice of the amount of food people left on their plates. It's not just the people - the portions were huge and not even all the “big masculine men” could finish them - but the restaurant industry itself that lives by the traditions and standards of restaurant culture.

It's thought that one should not leave a restaurant with an empty stomach. It is a sign of a bad restaurant that cannot feed it's customers well enough – “maybe the portions are too small because they're greedy!” “Perhaps they're just cheating us, maybe this amount of meat would have actually cost me five euros but now I'm paying 20.” Big portions are a sign of a restaurant that wants to leave all its customers happy, and it's also seen as a sign of “honesty”, as you get a lot of food with less money. Now, this attitude leads to portions being halfway finished almost every time: as I worked the dishes almost every burger came back as half a burger. I threw out kilos and kilos of bread, meat, sauce, potato, vegetables and cheese within a few hours. When people are too stuck with their beliefs to actually know their body and how much it consumes, to know when to share a big portion with another, or too afraid of judgement to take the leftovers home; when restaurant owners are too busy pleasing everyone and not taking a stand, we are left with our share of the food crisis.

2) Hygienic hysteria. If, as a waitress, I drop a sugar cube onto the table I work upon, I'm expected to throw it away even though I keep the working surface clean and the sugar is just as it was before I dropped it. The product has been soiled; it's not as clean as it was within the package. If I transfer a cupcake from the freezer to the display fridge using only pincers, it's a no-no. The air it travels through might contaminate it, and I'm supposed to put the cupcake into a clean unused box for the 5 metres it travels. If a day is quiet and we're left with extra salad, I'm not allowed to use the salad tomorrow even though it's still good, fresh and healthy – because it's not as fresh as possible. Common sense flies out of the window with these standards, even though people rarely complain unless they've got something to compare to. “Why's her piece of cake better than mine?” “Is there something wrong with yours, ma'am?” “No, but hers is better!” Where I work now people are pretty satisfied with what they get, even though the quality is nothing fancy, but in a finer restaurant people find all sorts of little things to complain about even though the quality really is top-notch.

If I followed that logic of offering the very best possible, the amount of food I ought to throw away every day would be insane: about 16 pieces of cake (90 euros loss, more than my one-day pay), a few kilos of vegetable and fish, many many kilos of pasta, 5 litres of soup, a few breads and pastries, a bunch of cupcakes. Every day of every week. I did not count the stuff I have found important to throw away daily anyway, such as sandwiches, used milk, opened juice cartons, leftover food, vegetables gone bad, baked goods gone dry. I throw bad stuff away constantly, and throwing away stuff that is still fine really stands out and bothers me.

Today I faced a situation where I had to choose between two conflicting views: that of the set standards of quality, and that of the entire worldful of famine where resources are waisted again and again. I cannot tell publicly exactly what happened as it might bring trouble to me and my employer, but I can tell you that I had to think fast and I chose not to throw away an item that by the standards should have been. It would have been a major loss both financially and considering the resources.

I have been balancing between the two views, making compromises and choosing sometimes one, sometimes the other. For me it is very important to not get anyone sick – it is my responsibility as the one who serves the food to make sure what people put inside their bodies is not poisonous or infected or possibly allergetic. That I take care of by for example keeping utensils and dishes always as clean as possible. But I also realize that the standards are an overreaction: the human body can fight off a whole lot of bacteria, but the word “bacteria” itself is too much for some to handle. Everything and aything that has “bacteria” is bad, which shows just how little people know about food and their bodies, as every single thing is actually swarming with different kinds of bacteria, and food itself is basically bacteria. The standards are also an image of luxury people like to live in: I can afford the best = I'm ok, I'm enough, I'm good.

I will no longer compromise. I know cakes won't save the world from famine, but this is where I am now and this is the place for me to take action at this moment, no matter the scale. Actions will accumulate; attitudes will be affected. I will take care nothing goes to waste in vain, wherever I happen to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living according to my principles as I have been afraid of being judged by an authority (boss, co-workers, customers, officials).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged according to actions I know to be right, as I have been afraid I will then be defined as a “bad employee” and a “bad person” and might even lose my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the negative reactions an authority might bring forth according to my actions because I would have then taken their judgement personally, as a true commentary of myself and defined myself accordingly, instead of seeing the reactions as what they really are. I now see and realize the reason I have been so afraid is the fact that I have not been able to stand within myself and my actions as a stable being right now and here, as I have projected myself into possible future events and worst case scenarios.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the reactions of an authority personally and fall back into my mind structures even though my actions have come from a stable point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to the phrase “customer is always right”, even though I never believed it, as I faced pressure from an authority and gave in, not being able to stand my ground and to stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within myself and thus live dishonesty when and as I have given into pressure and worn characters instead of being myself within and as breath, and thus accepted and allowed the conseqences of such self-compromising to accumulate and add to the mess I was and am now sorting out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I never bring my ideals into action, those ideals will never come about in the physical reality; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that good thoughts and intentions are enough and that someone else can act for me as I am too afraid to / I cannot take the risk, not realizing that I am the one to act, the only one I can move as actions within this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the problems caused by the restaurant industry – be it customers, co-workers, employers, restaurant managers – not realizing the ways I have been contributing to the problem supporting its existence, and the fact that we are all responsible for what the world has become as the descendants of those that built this world since we are just like them in not having stopped the cycle humanity has lived according to throughout its existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others will perceive my actions a sloppiness, laziness, greediness and “not caring”, when in fact, as considering the big picture, to act any differently would be the real act of ignorance.

I commit myself to investigate the ways waste is created within the place I work at and reduce it through my own choices as well as discussion and negotiation with my co-workers and employers.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to face people as equals, as people instead of authorities, to be able to make the issue known and understood, and to no longer compromise myself.

I commit myself, when and as I am faced with a choice of throwing away or preserving, to stop and slow myself down through breathing to examine all possible choices as to what can be done with the food/product to not let it go to waste (selling, eating it myself, offering it to a co-worker, selling for a customer with half-price, giving it to a friend, giving it to someone hungry, giving it as a gift, bringing it to a party, etc).

I commit myself to not stand by and watch others create waste in vain. When and as I notice another being throwing away something that still has value, I will support and assist myself to stop, breathe and speak up, not through blame but as facts and not accepting any bullshit, because even if whatever they threw away that time is already damaged, me speaking up might bring forth change within the person and change their actions in the future.

I commit myself to carry my responsibility of what we have accepted and allowed the world to become by taking the action that is required right here and now, at the place and situation I'm living in at the moment, realizing that change is not required only in the worst of war zones but everywhere, no matter the scale.

Thank you for visiting us!

A couple of weeks ago I faced my frustration towards my job. At the moment I don't do anything particularly constructive for a living and participate in a harmful societal construct, no matter how pleasant it is to work at a cafe where people come to quietly enjoy themselves. The relative easiness of the job itself may also be harmful, as when the work tasks become automated actions it supports me as an automated being acting through autopilot instead of making conscious choices in each and every moment. I decided to focus on deconstructing the mind-patterns and survival systems related to my job, as it is something I spend a considerable amount of time on, and I will also try and get to the root cause of the problems that often manifest within restaurant business.

Today I faced a point of gratefulness. I often go through an experience where, as I notice a customer approaching the door of the cafe, I think “no, please don't come in”. Today I stopped within the experience to notice that it's where I then usually pretend to be welcoming when I'd just like to be left alone.

Now, I of course realize that more customers is a good thing for me. When we have plenty of customers the company prospers and my income is more secure and might even increase. As I know this to be true, why isn't my reaction to each customer a genuinely happy one? The reason does not lie in laziness as I work constantly throughout my shift, customers or not. There is something within the interaction that makes me want to avoid customers.

Last week I deconstructed a set of phrases I use as I interact with customers. There's one thing I've been taught to do as something that should always be done when working in customer service: to ask if they want anything else after they've already given their primary order. The logic behind this is that people are prone to buy more if they're offered more, that they don't always realize they want something else (this is bullshit: within the offer the seller just creates needs and desires out of nowhere) and that a customer is often so passive that they may not even dare to ask for more if an active salesperson accepts their primary order as it is. I've tested around during my years in the business and noticed this to be true. I have never before questioned the validity of the action, though. If I keep on asking people if they actually want something more but are suppressing themselves and not “daring” to say it out loud, I support the construct of passiveness where no one is required to take full responsibility of themselves. If there's always someone to dig you out of your shell, you'll never learn to crawl out by yourself. This is an action I've decided to stop doing and find a more constructive way to interact with customers.

As I was deconstructing the aforementioned phrase I also had a better look at the act of trading itself. The trading business is based on a setting where one guy has something that has some kind of a value, be it enjoyment, nutrition, tools, you name it. Then there's another guy who wants that item. Now, the first guy can either give the other what he has or, to ensure he doesn't lose more by giving away than what he gets back from others (a lack of trust in fellow people [note to self: when has trading business begun? Check history.]), define a price for the item. Now the first guy holds power over the other as he has what the other wants/needs/desires/would benefit from, and can set whichever price he wants. But the other one can also decide to not buy the item. This would leave the first guy with an item he doesn't need and without whatever the price he was asking for. That gives power to the second guy, as he now has the power to say the price is too high and leave the first guy in trouble. This game of give-and-take, this power play is what keeps the trading business together: the first guy fears he will be left without what he desires (money) and left with useless stuff (the item) - and the second one desires what's offered (the item) and fears it will cost him too much (money). This interplay looks to me like two people at opposite ends of a rope pulling and giving in to find a balance where both would be equally stressed and uncomfortable.

To get back to my issues, the base foundation of the trading business is twisted and affects the overall pleasantness of the seller-buyer interaction I take part in every day. Within the restaurant business alone the foundation has manifested various roles and statuses that one is “supposed” to accept, whether a servant or a customer, as dictated by a self-perceived and believed authority (the boss, senior colleagues, the customers). I'm still not sure where the core of this issue within myself is, but what's essential is that the nature of the business affects me constantly and has affected me for the past 4 years I've been doing this kind of work. Such major exposure to a setting that is fundamentally a game has shaped me as I have passively allowed myself to be shaped. I commit myself to change myself within the business to change the business itself – it is so corrupted there's no other way to affect it.

To get back to the point of gratefulness, I'm afraid people will see my genuine kindness as mere faking. I face all customers as equals, meaning I treat them with respect and friendliness without excusing their possible bullshit. I fear it will be seen as what many customer servants do: instead of actually living kindness one presents an image of kindness out of fear (of losing one's job) and desire (for the customer's money). From within that fear I make the situation uncomfortable and tiresome for myself. I refuse to make it a situation where I would be balanced and content no matter the customer. Thus from within that imbalance I make myself unable to interact as myself here and resort to the automated phrases, tones and behavior I'm trying to free myself from. I now stop compromising myself based on the justification that an “authority” “demands” me to behave a certain way as I trade items for others. I now see and realize that the judgement that dictates my behavior is merely my perception of reality, and even if it were completely true it's still only my perception and essentially guesswork and thus should not be believed as the whole truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict while working as I am afraid I will not perform my role as the “servant” well enough and thus cause a reaction of anger, frustration, dissatisfaction, spite and/or annoyance in a customer which would lead me to think less of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the set of roles, characters and statuses in restaurant business is a game where everyone participates in creating a false and temporary reality of power, dominance and escapism, and that all of this is not in fact real and is just a massive delusional daydream believed by even those that submit because they will have their turn to be the ones who dominate and thus continue the cycle of revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the aforementioned game, no matter how unwillingly or unknowingly, thus supporting its existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I ought to show gratefulness towards the customers as they bring me what I “need” - the money that supports my employer – when in fact the trade of items either happens or doesn't happen and the act of trading itself does not contain any statuses or emotions: it's just a trade, item for an item, and the friendliness I associate with it comes from the presence of human interaction, not from the imagined “debt” of gratefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when facing a customer as I fear I will draw a negative reaction from the other if I “fail” to live up to the expected statuses and roles, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus make myself incapable of facing the customer as equals as myself here within breath as I have trapped myself into fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label the people that I trade items for money with as “customers”, not realizing the word itself holds within it a status, a value and a meaning that supports the construct of inequality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions of others because I have believed them to be “more” than me as I have perceived them to be in a station of power, not realizing the “power” they hold is but an illusion that will vanish as I stop believing in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and adapt into the way my senior colleagues and employers have perceived the restaurant business to be, thus continuing the cycle of self-abuse and revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself and not stand within myself as I have questioned the norms of the restaurant/trading business and faced reactions of rejection, denial and judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust people will be able to tell the difference between faked kindness and genuine kindness, even after I have received positive feedback from customers themselves as well as employers and colleagues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be “enough” as myself within a situation where I interact with another with the purpose of trading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the customers deserve and demand for “service”, and that “service” is something more when in fact it's something less. (The concept of “service” is something I'll have to process separately as it is a vast point within this profession.)

I commit myself to identify, stop and face all the situations where and all the ways how I still make myself “less” than a customer instead of living as equal to all life. When and as I see myself resisting an interaction with a customer, I stop and slow myself down through breathing and support and assist myself to face the person as/within myself and as equal.

I commit myself to deconstruct the constructs of my automated work behavior step by step through writing to see what I actually manifest and support with my actions, so that I may eventually reconstruct myself to function as a manifestation of life instead of an automated slave to the mind.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to stand within myself and to maintain my stability in each and every moment, no matter who I interact with and how.

fear of falling

Fear of falling. To fear failing in ones attempts. To fall is to let yourself crash; to allow yourself to be what you are not. It is to know better and do it anyway. It is not necessarily manifested as a conscious act of “giving permission”, as the acceptance is given mainly through different forms of energy: emotions, feelings, fears, desires, thoughts. “Falling in love” is to fall. Giving in to vices is to fall. Lying is to fall. To not brush your teeth in the evening is to fall. To get angry is to fall.

As people we fall all the time, even though it is not recommended. We keep on doing it anyway.

I fear falling. I remember having fallen majorly two times in my life: first when I was just around turning 16, second when I was 19. On the surface I fear that which falling has caused in my life before, which is “losing everything”. I have lost people, relationships, money and “my entire world”, but the only “lost” thing that has been valid has been myself. As I have lost myself when falling I have witnessed my whole self crumbling: my abilities to make decisions, control my life, know what is true and stand as an individual have fallen to pieces. As I have lost myself and then fallen, I haven't had anything to stand on – no trust in myself and nothing to believe in – and I have felt “my entire world falling apart”, and believed that feeling to be true. In reality, had I not allowed myself to fall, the happenings that caused me to crash would have been completely manageable. Falling was and is never necessary.

The real reason I fear falling is that I fear I will then appear as something “less”. Losing oneself is, too, a very frightening experience I do not wish to repeat, but if I stay honest with myself, stand within myself as myself and forgive myself what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, I have nothing to be afraid of. I am the foundation I build upon, and I am the one who keeps it together. Within my fear I also find distrust in myself, as I do not trust I could keep myself stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling as I have been afraid I will then appear as something “less” to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear appearing as something “less”, believing that people would then judge me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am judged by others and that their judgement is valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the world as a place where people constantly judge others, especially those who are less, and that it is a game one must participate in to avoid “losing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to have actually been “less” as I have fallen, not realizing my value is always equal to everyone, and that in fact no one is ever “more” or “less”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself as I have fallen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my responsibility to carry myself and direct myself, and that I have thus not lived as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become someone I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the reflection of another – that I have accepted and allowed myself to become what I perceive another person(s) to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live an image I would like to be, instead of realizing what's actually required for change and live accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become another out of fear of not being good enough as I am. (Thus I have not been who I really am and the situation has ended up with me falling.)

I have had a desire to please. I have had such distrust in myself that I have feared I am not “enough” as I really am, and I have adapted to people and situations in a way where I replace myself with an image of someone else (real or imaginary). As what I have seen has only been a perception and not the actual experience and life of another being, what I have made myself into has never been more than an image pasted on myself. The dishonesty I have been living has then accumulated up to a point where I have fallen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not enough, hereby stating that my “value” is measured by some authority outside of me, not realizing the value of human beings is always equal as we are all as much living beings, representatives of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my perception of another to be real, not considering the fact that the subjective experience of each human being is inaccessible by others and thus the reality of ones experience can never be fully understood from the outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to carry myself through every experience by standing within each and every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to direct my life by and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there are experiences that are “too much” and that within those experiences it's ok to fall, when in fact there is no situation I can't handle as I carry myself within and as breath and in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that experiences can be measured on a scale of “more difficult” and “less difficult”, when in fact experiences as themselves are all equal and the feeling of “hardship” is created by how we perceive ourselves to be within that situation, when our perception is also just a perception and not the reality itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my falling by assessing the situation at hand to be “more difficult”.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to find a state of stability from which I can actually live my life by being here in each and every breath.

I commit myself to identify, face, stop, breathe through and redirect the situations where I justify falling, no matter the scale.

I commit myself to face myself in absolute honesty to see and realize what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to build trust in myself as I now see and realize the only one I can or should rely on is myself.

(w)here am I

I have gone through a very interesting process within the past week through certain actions, their consequences and the way they were handled. I have realized what actually happened, how and why it happened the way it did and learned new things about myself and the laws according to which the human mind functions. I will now open it through writing to clarify and internalize.

On Sunday I was faced with fears, some of which I was conscious of and some of which I wasn't. The ones I had been conscious of were of the kind I had been dealing with for some time but without consistency, and I had been hoping the progress I had made thus far would be enough for me to face the situation without addressing the issue with others involved. The ones I had not been conscious of have been opening up little by little during the week as I have been conscious of the issue, and more will probably be revealed as I venture deeper into this issue.

As I decided to leave the issue unaddressed, the situation ended up in confusion. It was not properly discussed immediately after, as we, the participants, didn't stop to clarify what had happened and why. We let it slide out of fear and everything was left unresolved.

The situation was discussed a few days afterwards. I had gone through the discussion in my head beforehand, “rehearsed it” so I would not be misunderstood, and while going through how I would say what I wanted to say I did find an actual point of stability when I realized that I would be able to let go of the ones involved and go on with my life without them; not a resolution I hope for, but one I would be able to face.

As we discussed I gave into fear before the issue was even addressed. I was going to address it directly, yet I didn't, and I waited around for other participants to bring it up and ask me directly – as is visible, the “rehearsing” didn't help at all. I knew what I was going to say even without the mind-preview, as I knew what I was talking about, yet I did not trust myself.

As we discussed, I faced an unexpectedly aggressive reaction from another. I have discussed this issue with others before and depending on the person it has always been handled differently, yet I have never faced a reaction of such rejection before. I reacted to the reaction with a fear I closely relate to the issue at hand – the fear of abandonment. I reacted by becoming “less”. I went with the reaction of the other and validated it by making myself “less”, and experienced guilt, shame and a need to apologize.

After the discussion I was alone in my apartment and felt a crushing need to “fall”: to let myself crumble and turn into a hystericly crying mess. I knew I do not want to allow myself that, as it is an explosion of energy that could be directed otherwise, and as all the emotions driving me towards “falling” are of the kind that can be let go of and handled without crumbling. I forbid myself to collapse and focused on my breathing, and within the act of forbidding I made a mistake – I suppressed the emotion trying to get out and stopped myself from seeing what was actually driving me, and instead I created a new kind of a demon. I got trapped into a state I now call being “possessed by energy”.

As I was focusing on my breathing I really thought I had returned here, but as I could have noticed from my physical symptoms (crying and shaking) I really was not. I tricked myself into believing I was doing ok. I have been introduced to the tool of self-forgiveness and I know it can be used to free myself of anything I face, and as I thought I was ok and as I really wanted to let go of what I was experiencing, I ended up using the tools, but as I noticed afterwards, if utilized from within energy it is nothing but abusing the tools for ones own end, making no real progress nor actual change. I had trapped myself within the energy demon that consisted of a myriad of fears, and from within the fear I tried to face the things I was at the moment blind to. It was useless and led to writing I published on my blog (http://toepoe.blogspot.fi/2012/08/what-your-soul-sings.html).

As the energy psychosis faded I little by little started to see everything that went wrong. I now see that I “failed” even though I know failing is unneccessary on the path of progress. I asked myself what could have been done differently – how could this have been avoided – and realized this is not the question to ask, as the situation could have been settled during the discussion, or on Sunday, or ten years ago in my childhood, or a hundred years ago when our culture was developing – you probably see my point here, as I could go on and on. Things have been leading up to this point for god knows how long.

As I had been going through these realizations I also experienced impatience. I wanted to discuss this stuff through immediately, but then I asked myself why, and realized that there too lies fear: I fear a delay will cause the other to make a decision within which any and every “explanation” I present would not be heard – thus I fear I will be unfairly judged and abandoned – and then I acquired a point of stability from within myself that has been within me from since. If I am not heard even though I speak that which is true in self-honesty without aggression, and if it is not even discussed, then the one who does not hear is not what I am looking for and can be let go of with no remorse.

For a few days I have been assisting myself in maintaining that point of stability and it has been. I didn't sleep for three nights in a row and the fourth was nothing but restless dreams, and the night time when I cease my daily activities is when my mind attacks me, but I have been pulling through surprisingly good even without sleep. (I have been active during the day simply because I have had a lot to do, not because I would be escaping my thoughts – a welcome pause, yes, but I am also conscious of how one could be escaping into work.)

I will turn to self-forgiveness, now knowing my tool better.

Passive Progressive

I am going to try and identify all the ways I manifest passiveness. Passiveness is to abandon responsibility, give up control and to not act. Within the three stages of expression – thought, speech and action – I manifest passiveness in every one. I am a slow personality, yet that has nothing to do with passiveness – to be active is not to be hyperactive.

- I suppress myself a lot. I suppress my thoughts, not allowing myself to even think certain stuff. I suppress what I experience within myself by not allowing myself to speak it out loud – I hide – I fear the reaction I will rouse by expressing myself without hesitation, as I faced rejection and abandonment in my childhood. I suppress my actions even if I am able to deliver the word through the fear of consequences, as my actions have caused me to face rejection and abandonment during my teenage years.

- I am passive in decision making. I do take some control over my life, but in the end I always leave it up to something beyond me, be it an authority, god, the universe, someone else. Within this I do not realize I am everything as everything is equal, and that my life manifests what I actually do with it, not what I wait around for. The reason I've been standing still for years is the fact that I have not taken directive control over my life.

- I am passive in relationships. From within the fear of losing control I give up all control – from within the fear of losing someone I give up all control – from within the fear of ending up alone I give up all control. I suppress thoughts as I am afraid that they might lead to the end of a relationship, for example by being of a controversial nature (I fear thoughts that question the existence of the relationship or the basic foundation of it, as I fear it will lead to the conclusion that the relationship should end, when in fact all this could actually just strengthen it if faced); I suppress speech as I don't trust myself to be able to deliver my thoughts correctly, which would lead to misunderstanding and conflict and the relationship ending and me being alone; I suppress action as I fear failure and embarrasment and don't trust myself to not abuse myself because of failure.

- I am passive in public, unless overcome by emotion. Any situation that could happen on the “common ground” - streets, shops, public transport, libraries, etc. - is for me a passive one, unless an interaction within customer service, where as a customer I see it very easy for me to converse as if there were no boundaries. It is only an illusion – I have only met one salesperson that was willing to step out of her working character and discard all the norms of a buyer-seller-interaction (and within that situation, too, she was the one taking initiative). The illusion of comfort is very fragile and easily shattered. I haven't been deliberately breaking it, though, and within that inaction I have passively allowed the fakey norms to keep on existing. The passiveness of public interaction probably comes just from that, norms, the rules we ought to obey to keep the society from going into complete chaos (lol), and the fact that if one id afraid, it is very comfortable to stay within them. I have to go and face this in the flesh. I have been afraid, but I will be that no longer.

- I am passive within friendships. Most of the time I wait around for activities, suggestions and conversations within existing friendships. I'm also very passive in making new friends. Lately I have been facing the odd fears I have considering people I have met but am not familiar with, such as people I have not been “properly” introduced to. It has to do with social conventions of not knowing “where we stand” in relation to each other and the fear of possibly being “less than” the other.

- I am passive within certain social circles, such as my family. It is not complete passiveness and self-abandonment, but it does still exist on some level, as I have allowed its existence by explaining it with group dynamics and “different personalities” ( = bullshit). My family is the first and firmest validator of my “core personality”, which I have come to believe is fundamentally passive, and they are the ones that allow me to be that way and I fear I might even be rejected if I change. I'm not taking into consideration here the fact that I have already changed extensively and yet they accept me.

- I am passive with myself. Even though self-improvement has taken place, there are still many things about myself I have refused to face and continue to explain with a bunch of excuses. I still wait around for others to give me feedback so I could determine whether I'm going to the right direction or not, instead of deciding that for myself by myself. I am not doing things for myself but for others, and within this I constantly limit myself and my expression and slow down my progress.

what your soul sings

EDIT: Wrote some more after this, shorter and probably more comprehensible than what lies beyond. http://toepoe.blogspot.fi/2012/08/passive-progressive.html

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I have just gone through an extensive realization, videologged an hour of my speech and transcribed it for the past two hours. I'm still not sure whether posting the whole log (a wall of text) is a good idea, even if cleaned up a bit, as I'm not sure if anyone will find it a good read at all, but I think I'll post it anyway just as a reminder to myself. I'm gonna have to do a lot more writing on this subject but I'm kicking this subject to a start.

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I am here and I carry myself and I am breathing through an emotional state I call “being shaken”. I just breathed through this. I was about to fall and crumble, but I was able to breathe my way through it and stop it and let go of it. I asked myself for permission to fall and I didn't give it. This is a point I am gonna have to face – rephrase: This is a point I am now facing by myself as myself within myself, not relying on someone else, not blaming others, carrying my responsibility and seeing myself as I am and as I have been. Also slowing myself down to stay here in breath and to stay factual and to let go of all emotions that may occur. I felt the need to fall because I now have to face a point that is very-- I was going to stay “very deep within me”, but I now rephrase: I'm going to face a point I have believed to be a fundamental part of me, and that it is what I am and who I am. I have believed this to be true and I have believed this to be something that cannot be changed. 

The point in hand is the point of being passive vs. being active. I have believed that I am passive, that I am silent, non-talkative, quiet and withdrawn, and that it is ok and that it is a sign of me being more than others. I have glorified those attributes because they have been what's been keeping me safe. Within being quiet I have been safe from my fear of saying something stupid and thus appearing to others as something they can judge, as something "less than". Within being silent and non-talkative I have lived the illusion that being silent is the sign of wisdom and insight and great knowledge, that it is wisdom to speak rarely, that to speak quality requires that you speak rarely, whereas I have seen this fact to be untrue with other people. I have met talkative people that talk very relevant points and rarely any bullshit. And as I am no different from any other human being, as we are all the same, I am no exception to that. I too can be active, for example, when discussing, and, okay, I was going to say “appear wise, appear clever, say smart things”, but the point is not that, the point is self-expression. And as I have lived myself in situations within certain circumstances where I do express without any fear, I express constantly, I express as myself - I have experienced this within theatre - I know that my nature, too, is not, at least in every situation, to be silent, to be passive. 

There may be a time for being active and for being passive, I'm not sure about that point yet, I'm not sure whether it's valid, but I will try it and figure out. I hereby commit myself to face the situations I have usually faced with being passive by facing them anew through being active. There are many of those situations, as most of my interactions with people have been of the passive kind. I constantly wait to be drawn in. I wait for someone else to initiate. I wait for someone else to direct, abandoning my own self-directed nature; I am the director of my life and my experience. And if I give that responsibility away every time I interact with people, then I'm not directing my experiene, I'm abandoning all control. I have been facing this point in different situations lately, and I am now committing myself to facing it. I'm right now thinking that it's a big point, but instead of making the point any bigger than it actually is, it is just a point, I'm now rephrasing to say it's a vast one that connects with a multitude of points, and that it's a point that's going to require some consistency to work. Not some consistency, all consistency, and commitment and realization [the act of making real, bringing to reality]. 

I'm gonna have to face – no rephrase: I face right now the fact that I am only myself, I cannot rely on anyone else, no one else has responsibility over me, I am the only one with responsibility over myself. That means that I have got to – rephrasing: that I am taking control. That means I take control, I am in control. That means I take active steps in facing, stopping, breathing through, redirecting and releasing the situations. Will do self-forgiveness: 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being passive is an essential part of who I am and what I am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify passiveness within my fear of being active. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the reasons behind my fear of being active. 

Sidenote: I didn't address this at all just now, I'm glad it opened up. I fear being active because I fear the consequences of it. When I was a child I used to be very active and I expressed myself freely without fear. But at school I learned that if I express myself freely I will be ridiculed, abandoned, mocked and looked down upon. My freedom of expression made the other girls, other kids, shun me, and consequently I spent a chilhood and most of my teenage years in solitude and loneliness. It begun as loneliness, and as I adjusted as a teenager it became solitude, which I glorified to be able to make my way through it, to make it bearable; to make loneliness bearable I glorified it, I lifted myself above those who were active. Passiveness was somehow a superior trait. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being passive is a superior trait compared to being active. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label every avctive person as reckless or stupid or restless from within my fear of never being able to-- it has been jealousy as I have been afraid that I will never be able to express myself in the way that they do [a point of separation]. 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing people as I have avoided facing this point. Right now it affects me at this moment very much – rephrase, erase the “very much”, it affects me – that I have been avoiding this point and some other points that are linked to this, and I have avoided them at the expence of others that have been involved, and I have experienced shame, regret, guilt – breathing through it all [right now] – and I have wanted to apologize, but then I have remembered the best apology I can ever make is to never do that again. So I have been afraid to face this point. I haven't really had the tools, but I haven't been looking for them either. And right now it bothers me cause I am afraid of losing someone I care about because of the fact that I have been escaping this point. And within that fear I have also just wanted to get this thing overwith, just so I wouldn't have to lose this person, but within the fear of losing someone I state that I need that person, that I wouldn't be able to be without that person, or that that person is somehow required for me to continue living, which is not true, which I know very well. And as I am here as breath it is quite obvious that there is no one but me. And the best apoloqy I can make is to actually face this point the best I can. And the best I can is all, and I can do all, as I am everything. Now that I got that said, I will try to go on. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the belief that I am what I am and cannot and should not change, as I have learned from the norms dictating the flow of life around me. 

A song started to play in my head, a song I listened to today, What Your Soul Sings by Massive Attack. It has very good lyrics. It's about realizing that change is about rearranging your mind, and realizing that the one you love is you. To me that means that the only thing you'll ever love is you, that everything here is the same, everything is you, you are everything. Once you get there, it's when your soul sings. [soul singing can also be associated with self-expression] And the song is also about letting go, and now it's playing in my head. Fitting. And it somehow moves me, as I am in the emotional state I call shaken. It came to my head quite involuntarily, yet not coincidentally. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be active within certain circumstances. These circumstances now mean certain settings where I have felt safe. There have been more than one, there is one major one, that is the theatre I have been in for the past 13 years. Even though in that theatre as well it took me a long while to learn that trust. I have also had a relationship where I was able to express myself quite freely. Not completely without fear, but it was a place where I felt free, somewhat free, more free than with other people. I made that relationship special by allowing myself things within it I wouldn't have allowed with other people. So yes, I have allowed myself to express myself freely only within certain circumstances, not realizing I could do that all the time, that it is the natural state of being where life actually is, that that state of expression is what is actually here [a point of honesty]. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express myself freely with everyone everywhere in every situation from within the fear of not measuring up, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of not being enough, the fear of ending up alone, the fear of being with myself, the fear of facing myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing myself for all my life until now. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame those who abandoned me, or manifested the situation where I experienced abandonment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive those people hoping they might feel guilt, and that that guilt might redeem what they did to me, within all this completely ignoring the fact that I am responsible of my experience. I have full responsibility of how I direct my life and my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the definition of myself I have made as I child as I have suppressed myself to fit a certain character, a certain role, a certain mold, a certain form. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this issue a “big one”, to name it big, to give it an adjective that states it is of a large size, when in fact it is just another point that is equal to all of my points, and that releasing it is behind the same effort as every other point. This issue is not big, it simply is. It exists and as I release it it will no longer exist. And that's how simple it is. And I forgive myself that within the process of making it bigger, making it “more than”, I have accepted and allowed myself to create more resistance towards it than towards other points I have been facing, thus making it harder myself by creating more resistance. 

Now, the thing with the definition is something that is new to me, but it's making very much sense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as a human being equal to everyone else my expression can be anything at all, anything I desire and anything it actually becomes, not following any pattern or any image or any norm. I haven't realized that I can actually be whatever I want to. The definition of me being passive has been so, uh, unquestioned by me and by everyone else that I've never had to face it, and I have always blamed it on someone else. I have blamed it on the world instead of facing the fact that I have been limiting myself from expressing myself freely, from mastering the human nature. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression based on what I believe  that I fundamentally am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am fundamentally passive and that there's nothing I can do about it, and within all this abandoning all responsibility of my own experience and directing my own experience and my own life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world, blame everyone else for my passiveness. No, not for my passiveness, but I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everyone else of the negative experiences I have had, so that I wouldn't have to face that it is because of the way I limit myself to be passive and not active. 

I will do private SF on specific points, but this is now a transcript that's going to be public. Is this fucing real? Okay, emotion, reaction, breathe. Right now I am honestly quite amazed about how I have been missing this point all this time. I'm having an emotional reaction where I am experiencing frustration and simple surprisement, but I am actually bewildered that I have missed this point for so long, when it's actually really simple. I am very, very relieved. Joy. It's actually very simple. Wow. 

It's about choosing as well. Or is it? Is being active and being passive, is that a choice? Is all passiveness just a limitation? Is it now? Why am I passive? Is there a state where being passive would be a natural expression? Being is passive is shutting down, it's being withdrawn, it's being within oneself, it's not acting, not speaking, not taking one's space. Now that I look at it, it's very... you have all the access to yourself within yourself, yes, you may explore what's within you to a certain extent, without being “bothered” by what's outside of you, but that kind of a state of being will only get you that far, as you are not alone in this world. I am not alone in this world, and I cannot fully experience it and I cannot fully act within it if I am only within myself. One has got to come out eventually, there is only so much one can do within oneself. 

I commit myself to face my passiveness by noticing and stopping it whenever I notice I am being passive, and by looking at it, [identifying it,] facing it, breathing through it, redirecting it and letting go of it. 

I commit myself to change myself within the situations I am usually passive in by facing the reasons I am being passive, most likely fears, by dealing with those fears, and trying out what being active would bring me. 

I commit myself to experiment with activeness. I know that so far within my adult life I haven't faced a situation where being active would actually have brought me harm, whereas being passive has. So now I commit myself, this is fun [laughter]. I accept this challenge! Fuck it! I commit myself to replace my passiveness with activeness within every situation to see whether being active would actually bring more results, or more favourable results, or more concrete results than being passive. I'm going to try this to see whether being active would actually assist my progress instead of holding it back like passiveness does. [laughter] Oh god this is so obvious! So obvious. I know right? How have I been missing this point? 

What does commitment mean? Commitment means to give myself fully. It's not about giving up oneself. It's about giving the full resources I have and I am to the purpose of achieving whatever it is your committing to. So it's not about surrendering. It is about making a decision, directing your resources, directing your energy towards whatever it is you want to achieve. And yes, I'm terrified to do this. No, that's again another superlative. I am scared, but it is yet another fear, just a fear among fears. And I have conquered a many fears, and the fear of being active is just another fear, one and equal to all the rest. It just happenes to touch a many things in my life, most of the things in my life. It is going to require me a lot of stopping, a lot of very self-conscious actions; it is going to require that I commit myself to being here in every situation. If I am not here in every situation then I will not make any progress. I will never face the situations as they are, and I will stay within the frame of that situation and within the illusion of that situation. 

I have been avoiding facing this point for a long time at the expence of others. And myself, it's also a form of self-abuse. But it has affected other people extensively. I commit myself to carry full responsibility of the consequences of my actions and inactions, the consequences of my avoidance. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause harm, be it insecurity, ignorance, uncertainty, whatever [this point requires more opening up] to another being because of my fear of facing myself and taking responsibility. I forgive myself for that. I still regret it very much, but I know realize there is nothing I can do about past events, no matter how recent, and that the best apology I can make is to live it. Not by being sorry all the time, but through actual change. And through actual change I will release the prisoners I have been holding, the prisoners that are all in the end just me. I will also release all the hatred and bitterness I've carried towards others for actions that have been caused, for example, by ignorance that has been caused by my dishonesty. It feels really bad to say that, but I now realize that has been the case. 

I commit myself to change. I commit myself to change the way I am in situations to see whether it works or not. I commit myself to change who I am and I commit myself to release myself from the belief that my essence is of a certain attribute, when in fact my essence is in humanity, my essence is basically a void, my essence is the same as everyone's, there's nothing else. And that is such a relief.