I am rhythm

Started writing this on 22082012, finished today.

--

Today I started new dancing lessons on a reputable dance studio. Even though I have been dancing for years, I have avoided these kinds of dance studios, as I had lessons in one when I was in my early teens and found the experience most uncomfortable. Today I saw kids the likes of that young me – scared, withdrawn and constantly evaluating their surroundings on how they ought to appear to be accepted and to be doing it “right”. I realized my earlier experience of that scene was in fact not true: I was perceiving everyone and everything from within my fears, and thus I never faced the situation as it really was. I limited myself, my experience and expression according to what I assumed I ought to be and what I perceived others to be – within seeking for answers by comparing myself to everyone and “losing” in every comparison I built a belief where I “sucked” at dancing, and thus I denied myself the joy of movement, music and sociality and also blocked myself from improving. This block still exists, as I find it very difficult to learn new things when within a certain kind of situation in a dance lesson.

I embrace this opportunity to face and dissolve those fears that still remain from those past years as I poke the edges of my comfort zone further and further away. Also, I get good and enjoyable physical exercise. Win-win!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on learning the movement as movement instead of learning the movement as a picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on how I look to other people when practicing a move instead of focusing on the actual point of the moving – mastering the human body in motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other dancers around me as I dance and consequently lose my focus and end up messing up the moves; I now see and realize that within the act of comparing I live the fear of not being enough, trying to gain visual data of how I “should be” dancing and trying to figure out my “standing” within the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied with the joy of movement and the pursuit of self-mastery, and instead look for validation based on my skills from the group around me – looking for the statement “yes, you are enough” or “yes, you are more than the rest of us”, not wanting to be the worst, as then I would be the “loser”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I look for validation within a group, I am actually living the belief that “I am less than / I am not enough” and also refusing to be the one to change that, abandoning my resposnsibility of myself, thinking that the experience of “less than” is the others' fault – that the others are mean, obnoxius, cold, unaccepting and cruel for not giving me the validation I need to feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not carry my responsibility of my own experience as the creator and director of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “less than” others based on how I perceived myself to be compared to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my experience of inability, claiming they have been bringing me down when in fact I have been the one limiting my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot change, as I have lived fear, thus failed at my unreasonable attempts and refused to try again. I now see and realize I have set the bar too high – I should have not set a bar at all if it's based on how other people appear to me and if I determine my goals based only on that perception and the fear of losing. Instead, I should have learned to listen to my body and train according to it's pace with consistency and patience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the dance scene to be shallow, competitive and vicious based on my limited childhood experience of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle and despise the people participating in the dance scene within the belief that everyone that participates is shallow, competitive and vicious, limiting my point of view to that of pure malice and spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the people I have met at the dance scene as who they really are, and to instead view them through and from within my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give those people a chance to show themselves as they really are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make dancing difficult for myself by allowing my focus to not be in the movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mess up the movement by focusing on what the movement should look like instead of being within my body and figuring out how I should be utilizing my body to create the movement in its essence.

I commit myself to focus on movement as it really is: a state where I am fully within myself and in control of every part of my body.

I commit myself to face the dance lessons as the situation really is: a group of people with different motivations, fears, hopes and backgrounds with a goal that is somewhat similar. Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself and others to recreate the situation into something that is a solid and fearless learning environment for all.

I commit myself to face and let go of my fear of being judged.

I commit myself to face and let go of my fear of losing.

I commit myself to listen to my body to determine what kind of a challenge is required for improvement to take place – everything may not be possible at once. I commit myself to move forward with my own pace one step at a time, fearless of challenge yet conscious of my body's current state with complete self-honesty.

I commit myself to carry full responsibility of my own experience and the consequences thereof.

These excuses / how they've served me well

A friend stayed over for one night. We had a good time talking and walking, preparing and sharing a proper feasty breakfast, and I enjoyed our conversations. It seems I was able to let go and talk a-plenty, as she is quite talkative / was on a talkative mood, but as another friend just challenged my experience of it being “special” or "unusual" I stopped to think about it a bit more. Was I trying to balance out the conversation by talking a lot even though I may have not been saying much of value? Was her talkativeness “allowing” me to be talkative as well? Is the “talkative me” the “real me” or the other way around? Was she just asking the right questions, pushing the right buttons, even if by accident? I wasn't talkative all the while, and we allowed silence to exist between us (which was awesome), but there were some conversations especially during the night where I noticed myself talking more than usual. Was I simply nervous? Trying to fill out holes I was spotting, trying to maintain an image I thought appropriate?

I'm not sure if asking these questions is getting me anywhere. How do I figure out what actually happened?

Breathe, stop, look around, be honest.

I enjoyed her company. There's a spirit of acceptance between us, as was during the camp where we met a little while ago; not one born out of neccessity, but out of caring and kindness. Perhaps it's just that: because of the spirit we created during the camp, I was less afraid of being judged, and thus defined her presence as something special, whereas in reality I am the one creating the experience of being judged and thus I have the power to stop it. I am able to stop it no matter who I'm with, so why be selective about it? Why not with everyone?

Self-forgivement followed:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself the experience of being judged not realizing it is within my power as the creator to stop the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the fear of being judged ( = the fear of not being enough) based on my perception of status, bodily assets, sexual attraction, abilities, talent, wealth, and a whole lot of other images and expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to percieve others as “more than” me and see myself as “less than” others and thus create the experience of being judged, ignoring the fact that we're all equal in value and that no one is “more” or “less”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression according to my fear of being judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that talking less means more quality, value and insight, and that talking more means less quality, value and insight, when in fact the amount of words is a result of what happens within the person before the words are said, not the other way around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label people as “safe” and “unsafe” according to how much I limit myself around them, not realizing that it is my responsibility to set myself free, not theirs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assist others to set themselves free by setting myself free as an example; in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my limitations on those around me instead of realizing I am limiting myself; in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by clinging to our limitations we don't only limit ourselves but we also limit all others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I name the fear of not being enough “the fear of being judged”, I'm putting all the blame and responsibility of that issue on others instead of carrying the responsibility myself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to walk my process and thus consequently assist and support all others as well.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and redirect myself whenever I notice myself within the fear of not being enough, as well as all other fears.

I commit myself to carry my responsibility as the creator of my experience.

I commit myself to carry my responsibility as a part of the human kind by living my life into and as an example, realizing that every action and non-action affects this reality that is shared by us all.

I commit myself to free my expression by facing, breathing through and dissolving my fears.

susta tuli kaunis ja ylpee

I am stuck with pride. I have been teaching myself humility ever since I learned it is considered a desirable attribute, something that makes a person attractive to others, but now I feel like I've been cheating myself all along, that I never wanted to learn humility for its own sake but for the way being humble would make me appear. I don't see all that time gone to waste as I seem to have actually learned something, but I can't help but fear that the foundation for that which I've taught myself might start to crumble. I don't trust myself. I'm afraid I'll turn into a beast.

My pride doesn't cause me trouble in everything I do, but it does in the most important of things. An example: today I absent-mindedly imagined a situation where a family member challenged my profession, my ability to do my job well. In that imagined situation my reaction was aggression, and that family member had to respond with aggression to make me realize I needed to be humble and accept that she might know a lot about this business as well. As that imaginary situation flashed through my mind within a second, I was startled to realize the amount of insecurity it implied. Although I did just realize, that if the person challenging me would have been any other person instead of this family member, my reaction would have been more friendly, yet perhaps somehow one that tries to maintain a higher status, unless the one challenging me is clearly of a "higher rank". I think this problem actually originates with the person I'm referring to, or at least the aggression does, but I will not open it here as it is of a personal kind. Seeing that there's still a mild reaction to other challengers as well, I'm still a bit wary of myself.

There was also another thing today that triggered the pride issue. I noticed a reaction that told me I can't accept and execute an idea offered by a certain person, because people around me (that person included) might see it as copying, being brainwashed or an attempt to please. I got really irritated, because I find the idea really intriguing and worth a try, and it would suck to not attempt it because of a fear of others reacting to it in a negative, demeaning way. If it considers my process and might be of assistance, why should anyone's reactions stop me from doing it?

What's worrisome is also the fact that the better I get at music, the less I have to face the insecurity that drives me nuts every time someone's "better" than me. I noticed it surfacing a couple of times at my entrance exams and tried to stop it every time it arose, but as I was better than most, all I was dealing with was "good, no competition from that one". Although the better I get, the less I have a need of proving myself. I know I can, and I know others can, too.

What this all comes down to is my insecurity. I still feel like I need to prove myself "worthy" by some imagined standards through whatever it is I happen to be doing. There are some exceptions, though: whenever I do things out of pure joy, the insecurity disappears. For example, in the entrance exams I ended up acting mostly through joy and managing to keep the fear to a minimum, and that, I think, is the reason I seem to have succeeded. (I tried talking about the joy to my fellow candidates, but the ones I talked to didn't seem to get it, or maybe it was too much too sudden. Oh well, maybe I'll get another chance once I get in. God, I hope so. That's one small thing I can do to influence the business, to be the virus within the beast: start a conversation within that small group of people I will be working with. Define the language you will be using, do it carefully, establish a working foundation for communication. That's where I'll begin, where we will begin.)

Joy might be a channel for me to release pride. Acting out of joy. There is no fear in joy. One can act out of duty, responsibility, need, "calling", whatever, but is any of that truly fearless? Joy leaves one very bare; it is to expose your nature. One needs to be without fear to rejoice. I think one needs to find joy in whatever they do to make it worth while, but not through the mind by thinking "tralalaa yes I find this most enjoyable now don't I", trying to trick oneself into "liking" what they're doing - joy can be found by simply being here right now, by being present in every moment of every action. You need to clean the toilet? Fine! Grab the brush and do it. No deed is actually unenjoyable: we just make them that way by telling ourselves they are "deeds" and "stuff we have to do" (such as working) instead of every moment just being here and every action being purely just that, an action, movement, presence. What you will, will be.

pers0na

I've been going through various roles and masks I wear and have worn throughout my life - not the ones I "wear" as I act in a theatre, but the ones I wear everywhere off-stage. They differ from situation to situation, yet the same ones usually occur with the same people or in similar situations. Within some social circles that have been around for a long time I have also witnessed my roles gradually morphing into something new, usually with the passing of time and my changing self.

I have noticed that I only wear masks because of fear. They are very convenient to hide behind in case I make a mistake: the role always finds a way to take the punches, and they aren't as painful as I detach myself from them. As it wasn't me who blundered but the character (and from the characters point of view it never made any mistakes, just bounced back), it has been very difficult to learn from my mistakes. They weren't my mistakes, so why should I bother? Thus nothing has been resolved, and I've been left with painful experiences I have not dealt with and shoved into a closet to eventually explode.

One of my favourite masks, one I still wear these days, is the mask I like to call The Clown. It usually appears in social gatherings consisting of people that are somewhat uptight, reserved, quiet or unhumorous, just to bring some much needed comical relief, relaxedness and laughter, or to shake and break the norm of that situation and bring people out of their reality tunnels. The clown is sometimes very much needed and that's why I've kept on using it, but I have noticed it's most unconstructive regarding my personal process. You see, the clown has been an enjoyable retreat for me, a state of being where I don't have to be afraid of screwing up or what other people think of me. I have never had to actually face those fears, since there's always been a role that could bypass that nasty process. I am still afraid of acting out, of being social, of not being socially capable.

Another role that has still been in use is The Mystic. It's the complete opposite of the ape-like clown: this mask shrouds me in mysterious silence where the mere anticipation of my scarce words makes them sound more meaningful that they might actually be. The mystic's behavior is quite close to what I usually  prefer when in a maskless* state - if I have nothing to say, I stay quiet. What brings out the mystic is often the expectations of others: I have been in situations where my pagan background has been commonly known, and my silence has been seen as a sagelike attribute fitting my profile as the Queen of Witches or whatever, whereas in reality my silence is just silence: me being still, thoughtless and present. But even though I recognize all this, I still abuse the role of the mystic every now and then either to dominate a situation or a person or to cover up my fear of the situation I'm in.

*I have set myself a goal to reach a state of rolelessness in each and every moment. Roles serve no truly constructive purpose (outside of stage), and if I wish to create myself anew, I must first get rid of the old baggage and become a clean slate. It's most interesting to step into situations and be aware of not having a role - familiar situations change completely and new ones open up doors I have never noticed before. Now it's just a matter of merging it into my being, but I guess it will take some time. And you know what helps? I just realized that in my day job I wear no mask. It must be of some real good assistance that the environment I spend a big chunk of my time in is a space where I don't have to struggle with this.

time within time after time

"The most important person is the one you're with." This sentence shapes the thought that when your presence shares another's, that person should be your number one priority above all else, also stating that this moment is all that counts, since it's all you have.


Have I really understood that sentence, the idea behind it? I keep on feeling insecure about being present around other people. I often let my mind wonder from one stretch of the world to another when spending time with someone, and almost as often I feel bad about it afterwards. It's like I'm stuck within my subjective experience: I'm letting those unique moments go to waste by not fixating my attention on my companion or the opportunities the moment possesses. Occasionally, I've noticed, the mind-wondering is caused by the fear of facing those opportunities. Mind creates a shield by being somewhere, sometime else.


Yet I don't feel like I'm doing this completely wrong, either. I like to think of those moments (whenever I remember that every interaction is that kind of a moment) as people standing next to each other in that present time and space, letting life flow through their existence as they are as the two of them (or more), bound by mutual will to be there. It's a very sensuous image, and I'm not sure what it means to practice it. I guess it's something free of obligation, free of expectation, openness to all that comes.


I'm also striving towards making that time with the one you're with a time free of hurry; a timeless space within time. When it succeeds, when I actually forget about time, stop caring about digits and follow that rhythm interaction creates, it feels magnificent. If life has a reason, it has something to do with those moments between people.


What about those moments when you're alone? The one you're with is yourself. I guess oneself, too, deserves some priority time. How does one make existence flow like that when with oneself?