Passive Progressive

I am going to try and identify all the ways I manifest passiveness. Passiveness is to abandon responsibility, give up control and to not act. Within the three stages of expression – thought, speech and action – I manifest passiveness in every one. I am a slow personality, yet that has nothing to do with passiveness – to be active is not to be hyperactive.

- I suppress myself a lot. I suppress my thoughts, not allowing myself to even think certain stuff. I suppress what I experience within myself by not allowing myself to speak it out loud – I hide – I fear the reaction I will rouse by expressing myself without hesitation, as I faced rejection and abandonment in my childhood. I suppress my actions even if I am able to deliver the word through the fear of consequences, as my actions have caused me to face rejection and abandonment during my teenage years.

- I am passive in decision making. I do take some control over my life, but in the end I always leave it up to something beyond me, be it an authority, god, the universe, someone else. Within this I do not realize I am everything as everything is equal, and that my life manifests what I actually do with it, not what I wait around for. The reason I've been standing still for years is the fact that I have not taken directive control over my life.

- I am passive in relationships. From within the fear of losing control I give up all control – from within the fear of losing someone I give up all control – from within the fear of ending up alone I give up all control. I suppress thoughts as I am afraid that they might lead to the end of a relationship, for example by being of a controversial nature (I fear thoughts that question the existence of the relationship or the basic foundation of it, as I fear it will lead to the conclusion that the relationship should end, when in fact all this could actually just strengthen it if faced); I suppress speech as I don't trust myself to be able to deliver my thoughts correctly, which would lead to misunderstanding and conflict and the relationship ending and me being alone; I suppress action as I fear failure and embarrasment and don't trust myself to not abuse myself because of failure.

- I am passive in public, unless overcome by emotion. Any situation that could happen on the “common ground” - streets, shops, public transport, libraries, etc. - is for me a passive one, unless an interaction within customer service, where as a customer I see it very easy for me to converse as if there were no boundaries. It is only an illusion – I have only met one salesperson that was willing to step out of her working character and discard all the norms of a buyer-seller-interaction (and within that situation, too, she was the one taking initiative). The illusion of comfort is very fragile and easily shattered. I haven't been deliberately breaking it, though, and within that inaction I have passively allowed the fakey norms to keep on existing. The passiveness of public interaction probably comes just from that, norms, the rules we ought to obey to keep the society from going into complete chaos (lol), and the fact that if one id afraid, it is very comfortable to stay within them. I have to go and face this in the flesh. I have been afraid, but I will be that no longer.

- I am passive within friendships. Most of the time I wait around for activities, suggestions and conversations within existing friendships. I'm also very passive in making new friends. Lately I have been facing the odd fears I have considering people I have met but am not familiar with, such as people I have not been “properly” introduced to. It has to do with social conventions of not knowing “where we stand” in relation to each other and the fear of possibly being “less than” the other.

- I am passive within certain social circles, such as my family. It is not complete passiveness and self-abandonment, but it does still exist on some level, as I have allowed its existence by explaining it with group dynamics and “different personalities” ( = bullshit). My family is the first and firmest validator of my “core personality”, which I have come to believe is fundamentally passive, and they are the ones that allow me to be that way and I fear I might even be rejected if I change. I'm not taking into consideration here the fact that I have already changed extensively and yet they accept me.

- I am passive with myself. Even though self-improvement has taken place, there are still many things about myself I have refused to face and continue to explain with a bunch of excuses. I still wait around for others to give me feedback so I could determine whether I'm going to the right direction or not, instead of deciding that for myself by myself. I am not doing things for myself but for others, and within this I constantly limit myself and my expression and slow down my progress.

she's afraid of a light in the dark

Pelkäänkö muutosta?

Tajusin juuri sisäänpäinkääntyneisyyteni olevan ympäröivän todellisuuden pelkäämistä. En ole aina joka ikisessä tilanteessa introvertti, sillä esimerkiksi teatterilla koen oloni parhaimmillaan niin turvalliseksi, että uskallan ilmaista itseäni pelkäämättä ja kohdata muut ihmiset pelkäämättä. Ongelma onkin siinä, että teatteriryhmä on rakennettu illuusio erillään yhteiskunnasta, joten jos en saa sitä samaa vapauden ja luottamuksen tuntua rakennettua itsestäni lähteväksi, en voikaan kohdata maailmaa täysin auki. Maailma ei taputa ketään päähän, tee myönnytyksiä ja lakkaa olemasta uhkaava. Minä vaikutan maailman uhkaavuuden jatkumiseen omalla pelollani – kaikki aggressio on pelkoa.

Siksi olen ihmissuhteissa aina kääntynyt sisäänpäin: olla niin lähellä toista ihmistä, monin tavoin alasti ja ehdotonta luottamusta vaatien on ollut liian pelottavaa. Tajusin tämän kun aloin pohtia sitä, miksen osaa antaa ihmissuhteessa toiselle niin negatiivista kuin positiivistakaan palautetta. Tosiasia on se, että en ole oikeasti läsnä. Jos olisin läsnä ja aistisin ympäröivän todellisuuden sellaisena kuin se on, olisin tässä ja olisin nyt, ja jos itseilmaisuni olisi vapaata, palaute kumpuaisi luonnollisesti juuri niissä hetkissä kun palautteelle syntyy aihetta.

Ympäröivän maailman pelko juontaa lapsuuteen, kuten aiemmin tajusin, enkä voi siis syyttää omista pelkotiloistani esimerkiksi ketään seurustelukumppaneistani. Olen aiemmin vedonnut muiden tekemiin vääryyksiin ja niiden aiheuttamiin traumoihin, vaikka todellisuudessa olen vain luonut syntipukin jonka taakse paeta ongelmieni todellisia syitä. Jokainen tähän astinen seurustelusuhteeni on ollut pelkoni ja täten sisäänpäinkäätyneisyyteni kyllästämää ja raskauttamaa.

Näiden asioiden kohtaaminen, työstäminen ja niistä irti päästäminen tuntuvat ahdistavilta, koska ajatus siitä, että olisin joskus peloton ja vapaa kohtaamaan todellisuuden on itsessään pelottava ajatus. Onko minusta siihen? Miksei olisi? On yleisesti hyväksyttyä elää vaikka koko elämänsä omien tekosyidensä takana ja tukea muiden kulisseja. Sanon itseni irti siitä leikistä.

Pelätä toista ihmistä, pelätä tuomituksi tulemista, pelätä omaa riittämättömyyttään, pelätä epäonistumisia, pelätä omaa ilmaisuaan - pelätä itseänsä. Kaikki palaa itseen.

Palatakseni tähän hetkeen tilanteessa kuin tilanteessa kaikki tilanteet on purettava rakennuspalikoihinsa. Kaikki kohtaamiset on aloitettava perusasioista. On pelottavaa alkaa rikkoa totuttuja kaavoja tietyn ihmisen kanssa irroittamalla niistä kaikista hengittämällä ja olemalla tässä, olematta automaattiohjauksella, mutta kerta kerralta se muuttuu helpommaksi, muutos vähemmän pelottavaksi. Henkäys henkäykseltä, sykähdys sykähdykseltä, sana sanalta, katse katseelta, liike liikkeltä, kosketus kosketukselta minä muutun.

On relationships

Tämä teksti on poikkeuksellisesti englanniksi, koska sillä kielellä se ulos pullahti kiireisellä käsialalla töissä post-it-lapuille.

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"Let the right one in

let the old dreams die

let the right one slip in"

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Romantic relationships (I'll use this term as to separate what I'm referring to from the more platonic types of relationships) are not just about being loving and being loved. They are much more than that, and once you realize their full potential there is no going back. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with simply enjoying each other's company - that's one good way of making life more bearable or even fulfilling - but I can't have a simple feelgood-relationship anymore. It would feel empty; it would not be enough.

"The full potential of a relationship" is a god damn scary concept in all its fearsome power. I've pondered upon this every time I've pulled "The Sun" out of my tarot deck. It represents this exact concept and compares its energy to that of the Sun. That star over there, right next to us, burning, exploding, consuming, giving; a dynamo of elements. If a relationship can be as powerful as the Sun, it is hereby compared to the most powerful thing the humankind has ever witnessed during its existence. Fire is a mighty element, and the kind of relationship I want to have would be an embodiment of its nature.

I guess all this might be scary for some people, maybe even most of them. That's probably why I haven't been dating in a while.

But what is that "more" a relationship can be, you might ask. Not to separate myself from other people, but it's something most people never stop to think about or might not even be able to conceive, even if they were lucky enough to live it. The concept is very abstract and hard for me to put into words, but let me have a try.

Not long ago I heard a speech by an old Indian man by the name Osho. He discussed the nature of relationships and love and presented this comparison: we are all Beggars begging form each other. None of us can love each other for we have never loved ourselves; thus all relationships with us "loving" while we know nothing of love will end up with two Beggars thinking the other one is an Emperor from whom they can beg. One will think of himself as a Beggar and the other one as an Emperor, the other one will do the same, and they will end up feeling cheated. "This Beggar pretended to be an Emperor!" while he himself rose the other one to such a noble height.

In practice this might manifest as a constant need of attention or nurturing, as a demand for the other one to keep on giving or even as a complete refusal to lead one's own life, in the end resulting with the other one wearing out as they always give and never receive. All the other one wanted was to be the Beggar riding in the Emperor's back, taking it easy, but he ended up being the Emperor and taking another independent human being as their responsibility. No one should have to be the only Emperor in a relationship.

But this is where I asked a question: what if they were both Emperors?

I have lived through both roles in my relationships and don't want to go back there, for it's both unfair and fruitless; a useless merry-go-round of statuses. That's why, once I bumped into this emperor analogy, I feel like I've finally found words to describe what I've felt every time I've had to turn down a dating proposal. What is an emperor? A self-confident ruler of his empire: himself. An emperor knows his value, will not settle; knows what he wants and needs and demands for it. But no emperor, no matter how grand, can fully perceive himself, no matter how well-trained in self-reflection. That's where we need two of them to mirror each other. If one emperor can make a kingdom flourish, can you imagine what a pair of them could do? (Not to mention a whole 6 billion of them, but that's another subject. We ain't there yet.) To have someone you value as your worthy be your mirror, the surface you reflect upon, would be the brightest of them all, and there would be no dependence, no demanding, as they would both have their own kingdoms where they're doing just fine.

How do we become emperors, then? I'm not one to give lessons on this, as I'm not (yet) a wise Indian man, but how I started years ago was by learning to love myself. "To be selfish is to be yourself." It might come as a shock, but relationships do not exist so you could give everything to others. They exist so you could receive. One should always enter a relationship considering primarily oneself, but not in a way that's full of self. Also try to envision yourself in an ideal relationship: what would you get? What would you want? What would you like to be able to give? The people who fit those visions will find you.

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Youtube link to Osho's speech on being in love: http://youtu.be/8LfUvi1bof8