Erakko / The Hermit

"I inhabit the constant and await my end,

Content to dwell in peace, accepting the flux of things.
I only regret that there is no kindred spirit here

to climb this ladder of sky and clouds with me."

- Hsieh Ling-yün

Kolmisen vuotta sitten kävin ystäväni kanssa taidenäyttelyssä. Taiteilija oli tutkinut eri uskontoja ja erinäisiä mystiikan koulukuntia, ja mukana oli muun muassa tarot-kortteja käsittelevä valokuvateos. Itse näyttely ei tehnyt minuun kovin suurta vaikutusta, sillä tutkimusmatka tuntui jättäneen lähinnä pintapuolisen vaikutuksen taiteilijaan jättäen täten hänen teoksensakin vaille syvyyttä, mutta näyttelyssä oli myös osio, jossa sai laskea syntymäaikansa mukaan oman nimikkokorttinsa tarot-pakasta. Minun tulokseni oli Suurten Salaisuuksien yhdeksäs kortti: Erakko. Reaktioni oli ensin tyrmistys, että tämäkö on minun “kohtaloni”, universumi? Kaikista koko pakan korteista minun syntymäaikani määrittää minut Erakoksi? Seuraavaksi käännyin kapinaan: Minä elän itseni irti kohtalostani, todistan numerot vääräksi, kumoan ennustukset. Minä kieltäydyn. Voin valita olla erakko, mutta kukaan älköön minua siihen tuomitko.

Tässä jätin kokonaan huomioimatta sen, mikä ajoi minut kieltämään “kohtalona” pitämäni määritellyn roolin: pelko siitä, että se toteutuu. Jos pelkoa ei olisi ollut, olisin voinut päästää irti koko käsitteestä, mutta sen sijaan takerruin pelkooni ja istutin sen kiinni elämääni.

Erakkous on ollut läsnä elämässäni jo pitkään. Lapsena eristäydyin muista ihmisistä tultuani kiusatuksi, ja olen vetäytynyt entistä syvemmälle itseeni pitkin nuoruuttani. Yksinolo muodostui normaaliksi olotilaksi, josta opin nauttimaan; yksinäisyys pakolliseksi haitaksi, johon minulla itselläni ei ollut vaikutusvaltaa. Olen ollut varhaisesta lapsuudesta alkaen hyvin sulkeutunut ja tullut toimeen itsenäisesti, ja ympäristöni on oppinut määrittelemään sen ominaisuuden siksi, mitä minä “olen” - “Emmi nyt vain on tuollainen”. Olen oppinut hyväksymään erakon maineeni, koska ympäristönikin on määritellyt minut sellaiseksi. Olen kuitenkin pitkään tiedostanut sen haitat ja yrittänyt löytää keinoja työstää itseäni siitä irti. Siksi reagoin turhautuneisuudella laskiessani Erakon omaksi kortikseni: eikö tämä leima, rooli ja taakka lakkaa ikinä vainoamasta minua? Toisin sanoen: Onko minun kohtaloni olla ikuisesti yksin?

Olen sen jälkeen alkanut sisäistää ajatuksen siitä, että me olemme kaikki lopulta yksin – syntymässä ja kuolemassa kukin on yksin, vailla ihmisiä ja omaisuutta, vain sinä mitä todella on. Jokaisen “kohtalo” on siis todellakin olla yksin, vaan ei siinä mielessä kuin sen alunperin mielsin. Tämän elämän läpi ei täydy kulkea kantaen yksinäisyyttä, mutta yksinäisyyttä ei karkoiteta keräämällä ympärilleen ihmisiä, sillä yksinäisyyden alkupiste on ihmisessä itsessään: jos etsii jatkuvasti seuraa, koska itsensä kanssa oleminen on “tylsää” eli virikkeetöntä ja epämiellyttävää, etsii vain jotakin, joka harhauttaisi oman huomionsa pois siitä, ettei osaa kohdata omaa itseänsä ja olla itsensä seurassa. Kun ottaa huomioon sen, että ihmisen todellinen luonne syntymän ja kuoleman vinkkelistä on olla yksin, ja että kukaan meistä ei pääse toisen ihmisen pään sisälle, vaan ainoastaan omansa, tuntuu loogiselta se, että ihmisen luonne olentona on olla yksin – yksi suurimpia haasteita ja oppiläksyjä tässä elämässä, jossa on kovin helppoa unohtua nauttimaan kaikista hurmaavista persoonista paitsi itsestään (joka taas ei ole pohjimmiltaan lainkaan persoona eli naamio).

Todellisuudessa pelkoni “yksin jäämisestä” on edelleen itseni pelkäämistä ja itseltäni pakenemista. Tiedän, että en voi todellisuudessa jäädä milloinkaan yksin, sillä kun olen läsnä itsessäni itseni hyväksyen olen aina “itseni kanssa”, ja kun olen auki maailmalle se aukeaa minulle. Kun takerrun pelkooni yksin jäämisestä kieltäydyn hyväksymästä omaa “seuraani” sellaisena kuin se on, suljen itseni maailmalta ja elämältä, ja täten en myöskään hyödynnä täyttä potentiaaliani ihmisolentona kieltämällä oman olemassaoloni luonteen.

Tämä pelko näkyy edelleen esimerkiksi hetkissä, joissa keskustelen toisen ihmisen kanssa, mutta jätän jotakin kertomatta – tällöin pelkään sen, minkä jätän kertomatta, olevan jotakin “tuomittavaa” tai “likaista”, jota en halua toisten kohtaavan, etteivät he tuomitse ja hylkää minua – ja hylätyksi tulemisen pelko on yksin jäämisen pelkoa. Usein nämä pienet kertomatta ja jakamatta jätetyt asiat ovat sellaisia, joita en myöskään itse halua kohdata itsessäni.

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Itseanteeksianto / self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it is my “destiny” to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it is in my nature / an essential part of “who I am” to be introverted, withdrawn, quiet and solitary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the personality ( = mask) which I and my surroundings have defined to be introverted, withdrawn, quiet and solitary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “rebel” against this “destiny” by denying it and refusing to accept what it means, not realizing that by doing so I bind myself to it and to its consequences (loneliness, sadness, anxiety, addiction, depression).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is a “high judge” called “the universe” that has the power to rule me and decide my “destiny” for me instead of realizing I am the creator of my own experience and the director of my life, creating my own “destiny” as I walk through life within each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is a thing called “destiny” - a goal at the end of my life that has been decided for me beyond my comprehension and without the consent of my current consciousness – and that I have accepted and allowed myself to act accordingly, without directing and taking responsibility of my own life, right here and now within and as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “destiny” as an excuse to follow certain paths that felt good but led to nothing concrete without exploring all the other paths available and questioning the one I was walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been driven into solitude by fear, that I have held onto it because of fear and that staying within the solitude will allow the fear to keep on existing; within this I realize I must step out and let go of solitude in order to face and free myself of the fear that drove me into solitude in the first place – the fear of being judged – the fear of not being enough – the fear of ending up alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the fear that drove me into solitude to be valid – that the social world is based on ugly competition, and that it is ok for me to “protect” myself from the punches by closing myself up within my shell; in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel “safe” within my unpenetrable shell of not-sharing, not-talking, not-communicating and not-participating, not realizing I am alienating and separating myself from myself and life, thus growing all the more “vulnerable” and unable to face the world outside my shell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping out of my shell because I have been afraid I'm not able to face the world without it; in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to face the world and to define myself as “weak” and “unable”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what my surroundings defined me to be throughout my childhood and to accept that definition as mine and to reinforce it within my thoughts, speech and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not carry my responsibility of the consequences of defining myself as introverted, withdrawn, quiet and solitary and consequently weak and unable, and thus blaming others (destiny, God, family, friends, other kids) for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the concept of ultimate solitude – the fact that essentially we're all alone – and to escape it by clinging to people and hoping they would be a “remedy” to my loneliness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the concept of ultimate solitude into images of the afterlife where I reunite with deceased loved ones; I now see and realize the solace I found in these images was only treating the symptoms of the root cause, and that it even if we did reunite in the afterlife, which we cannot be sure of, it would not be of relevance in this life and the speculation itself is not enough basis for any kind of action or inaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my fear of being alone by looking for the company of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my fear of facing myself as I am alone into entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my fear of facing myself as I am with someone into entertainment, characters and social games, all from within my shell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “boredom” when with others, as I have been afraid that if I do not succeed in entertaining the other, I will be judged as a “boring person” and I will be abandoned – I will end up alone – not realizing that the purpose of kinship is not to entertain one another but to support each other, and that if we were both to allow ourselves to become “bored”, we would see each other and ourselves as we really are – an important thing to realize if we want to manifest actual support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death as it represents ultimate loneliness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe other people to be their personas (masks) and to like, love, adore, admire and respect the personas instead of facing who they really are by revealing myself; in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing myself to others and thus keep up my own personas and believe them to be true, separating myself from myself even further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to stop and look at my reactions and deal with them openly with whoever they concern, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my reactions from others and myself in the fear of losing others and thus “ending up alone”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my reactions in the fear of not being “good enough”; I now realize that within the act of hiding I am making myself “less than” what I actually am, that by limiting and restricting myself I cannot reach my full potential as a human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and restrict myself because I have believed it will keep me “safe” from criticism, humiliation, pain and embarrasment, not realizing the act of limitation itself creates more points to be embarrassed, humiliated and afraid of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious in the company of others wanting to be alone “for a change”, not realizing that the resistance to stay in others' company tells that I find the situation lacking something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the reason I haven't been able to relax and express myself freely in the company of others has been myself and not something I can blame on those others.

I commit myself to let go of the word “destiny” and instead live here and now self-directed carrying full responsibility of my future.

I commit myself to dismantle all of my characteristics and to reveal what's really underneath them. Thus I also commit myself to find out whether any of them is actually true and to let go of each one that is not.

I commit myself to step out of my solitude to face the fears that I escaped, and to face, see and realize the solitude itself to find out whether it's worth living within and as solitude.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to trust myself and to stand within myself without a shell, and thus realize I don't need a shell to “take the punches”, that I can handle every situation and challenge as myself, here, within and as breath.

I commit myself to live in-dependency – to carry myself fully as I have responsibility of myself, not dependent on anyone else. My stability is my starting point, the core of my being, and it cannot be built on others, as all others come and go and I am the only one that stays. Thus I commit myself to return to myself, as I will always be right here within myself.

I commit myself to live true to my form, fearless and free in expression, and to not validate the dishonesty of others no more.

I commit myself to notice, stop, breathe, face, look at, breathe through and let go of each reaction that occurs in me, and to share them openly whenever possible.

I commit myself to live openness and honesty.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to learn to communicate.

On body issues

I've been writing this list of self-forgiveness all day. I think I could go on an on, and probably will as I'm not nearly done with the process here, but I guess this is a good chunk to start with.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the body I'm in, the tool through which I am present, participating in and manifesting life in this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refer to myself in the second person, to speak to myself as “you”, to separate myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my body is the way it is – whatever it happens to be at the moment, as it never has and never will be as good as any ideal I can come up with – I will not be accepted and loved by the people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my body is the way it is, I will never receive desired attention, admiration, acceptance, love, tenderness, companionship or sex from anyone – a fear of ending up alone – a fear of not being enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am constantly being judged by other people according to my physical appearance, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others perceive me and how they react to what they perceive, and due to this defend myself by hiding, escaping, attacking, masking myself, wearing roles and characters to take the punches instead of baring myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my “real” self as too vulnerable and weak to be exposed – too easy a target – and thus believe I am “forced” to hide myself under masks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my body and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to violently abuse myself physically by hitting, kicking, scratching, tearing, biting, starving, cutting, burning, freezing and neglecting the needs of my physical being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to violently abuse myself mentally by insulting, belittling, demeaning, limiting, tormenting and suppressing myself within and as my thoughts, speech and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that creating an ideal for yourself is a good way to motivate yourself to improve yourself, not realizing that the created ideal itself is an image forged by the mind and that reality is not an image and cannot be forced to function like a two-dimension imitation of itself, especially in the process of change and growth which can lead you to pretty much anywhere due to the unpredictable nature of life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal for myself not realizing that if it were attained I would create a new one and the cycle of self-hate and self-abuse would just keep on going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the key to changing myself is not in realizing what I want to become but accepting that which I am now as the present me and figuring out what is actually required for change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my interpretations of my childhood experiences even though I'm not a child anymore and haven't had a second look at what I experienced and what actually happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my beliefs about my body have not been taught to me as I have interpreted them – I am responsible for the warped way I have been looking at my experiences as an insecure pre-teen and for the way I have allowed myself to continue believing what that child-me grew to believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse my family members of the way I interpreted their words and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the world to be what I was taught it to be and my childhood interpretation of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the social world to be what I was taught it to be and my childhood interpretation of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to pressuring when questioning what was taught to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the people I had granted “authority” to know “better than me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape my body and become frustrated and violate myself when I couldn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the reflection in the mirror – the two-dimensional picture that poses – a one woman show of a myriad of characters I believe to be what I am and what others want to see – not realizing none of this is actual life itself, but a mere visual representation of a one certain dimension of countless dimensions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the girl in the photograph.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the text I write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the books I read.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the music I listen to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the people I know and the people I meet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life and define myself through images such as the ones mentioned above, not realizing none of this is life but merely a documentation of it, documentations never being life itself as here, breathing and present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and not credit the change that has already occurred in my physical being due to months and years of consistent changes in my lifestyle, and crave for fast results instead of realizing that permanent change may be slow – I have rapidly lost weight before, but it has never lasted for more than a few months.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there's something wrong with my body for not losing any fat even though I'm exercising, ignoring the fact that my body is very healthy in spite of the excess fat and that getting rid of the fat is no longer a health issue but an aesthetical one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly live in the future instead of being here – envisioning what I want to become instead of facing what I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the current beauty ideal of our culture is the way I ought to be to be accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that women are perceived to have no other value than their looks, thus believing I have no value as, when comparing to those who are considered “most” beautiful, I “lose”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that everyone and everything is beautiful as it is, as life, and that cultural definitions and hierarchies of beauty are arbitrary and meaningless as they are based on images alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define beauty as visual information and aesthetics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not fit the visual and aesthetical standards of our (or any) culture, I cannot be considered beautiful, not realizing beauty is about life itself instead of mind-images such as visual, audial or other kinds of processed sensory information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my looks and other physical traits to every woman I meet and see to determine whether I'm “winning” or “losing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the competitiveness built into the social culture of women as “natural”, that it is ok as long as I'm not the worst and last pick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my looks determine whether I will ever get the chance to approach the people I consider attractive, or, in fact, whether the ones I consider attractive will ever “notice” me and take the initiative so I wouldn't have to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my responsibility of initiating social interaction in the fear that I will be rejected, not realizing that we all carry the same fear and if I don't change myself the way we interact won't change either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of certain parts of my body in particular, not considering my body as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the parts of my body I am ashamed of by morphing my body and stature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the parts of my body I am ashamed of by wearing clothes that cover up those body parts.

- tarkennus 17082012: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the parts of my body I am ashamed of by wearing clothes that cover up those body parts; in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as “superficial” (putting some effort into the way I look / what kind of visual information I send) whenever wearing/choosing clothes that suit my body, completely ignoring the fact that it may also be a purely aesthetical action based on the fact that certain clothes support certain body types better than others, and that clothing, too, can be a form of self-expression. To ignore the way one looks would be abandoning an essential part of this reality; to wear clothes that fit and function is not a limitation but a support - when that support, clothing, entwines with fear (obsession, insecurity, self-hatred, duty, expectations, demands, you name it) it becomes a limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what shame actually is – my fear of being judged by others – my fear of not being enough – me not accepting myself – me not being here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly worry about my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn certain ways of standing or sitting that “look cool”; in other words, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pose as an image instead of being here as myself expressing myself freely through my physical being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at myself “from the outside”, as an observer who criticizes and judges, instead of being here within myself behind my eyes, not realizing that what the observer “sees” is just an image in my head, as I cannot actually look at myself from outside my head.

I commit myself to accept my physical body as it is.

I commit myself to notice, stop, face, examine, breathe through and release my fears.

I commit myself to stop abusing myself and instead treat myself with kindness, gentleness, forgiveness and love.

I commit myself to notice, stop, face, examine, breathe through and release all of my mind-images, including the ones about my body and others'.

I commit myself to carry full responsibility of myself, my process of change and my thoughts, words and actions.

I commit myself to live patience and consistency.

I commit myself to always consider the state of my body's well-being as a whole.

I commit myself to stand fearless within myself as myself.

These excuses / how they've served me well

A friend stayed over for one night. We had a good time talking and walking, preparing and sharing a proper feasty breakfast, and I enjoyed our conversations. It seems I was able to let go and talk a-plenty, as she is quite talkative / was on a talkative mood, but as another friend just challenged my experience of it being “special” or "unusual" I stopped to think about it a bit more. Was I trying to balance out the conversation by talking a lot even though I may have not been saying much of value? Was her talkativeness “allowing” me to be talkative as well? Is the “talkative me” the “real me” or the other way around? Was she just asking the right questions, pushing the right buttons, even if by accident? I wasn't talkative all the while, and we allowed silence to exist between us (which was awesome), but there were some conversations especially during the night where I noticed myself talking more than usual. Was I simply nervous? Trying to fill out holes I was spotting, trying to maintain an image I thought appropriate?

I'm not sure if asking these questions is getting me anywhere. How do I figure out what actually happened?

Breathe, stop, look around, be honest.

I enjoyed her company. There's a spirit of acceptance between us, as was during the camp where we met a little while ago; not one born out of neccessity, but out of caring and kindness. Perhaps it's just that: because of the spirit we created during the camp, I was less afraid of being judged, and thus defined her presence as something special, whereas in reality I am the one creating the experience of being judged and thus I have the power to stop it. I am able to stop it no matter who I'm with, so why be selective about it? Why not with everyone?

Self-forgivement followed:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself the experience of being judged not realizing it is within my power as the creator to stop the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the fear of being judged ( = the fear of not being enough) based on my perception of status, bodily assets, sexual attraction, abilities, talent, wealth, and a whole lot of other images and expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to percieve others as “more than” me and see myself as “less than” others and thus create the experience of being judged, ignoring the fact that we're all equal in value and that no one is “more” or “less”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression according to my fear of being judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that talking less means more quality, value and insight, and that talking more means less quality, value and insight, when in fact the amount of words is a result of what happens within the person before the words are said, not the other way around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label people as “safe” and “unsafe” according to how much I limit myself around them, not realizing that it is my responsibility to set myself free, not theirs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assist others to set themselves free by setting myself free as an example; in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my limitations on those around me instead of realizing I am limiting myself; in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by clinging to our limitations we don't only limit ourselves but we also limit all others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I name the fear of not being enough “the fear of being judged”, I'm putting all the blame and responsibility of that issue on others instead of carrying the responsibility myself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to walk my process and thus consequently assist and support all others as well.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and redirect myself whenever I notice myself within the fear of not being enough, as well as all other fears.

I commit myself to carry my responsibility as the creator of my experience.

I commit myself to carry my responsibility as a part of the human kind by living my life into and as an example, realizing that every action and non-action affects this reality that is shared by us all.

I commit myself to free my expression by facing, breathing through and dissolving my fears.

Over-achieving and defining oneself - introducing self-forgiveness

I'm trying out this new method called "self-fogiveness", where through consistent statements of forgiving oneself and committing to change one is able to create actual change by accessing ones patterns, thoughts and emotions and their origin. I've been experimenting with it more or less for some time, but this is the first time a small realization actually lead to me writing these statements down and figuring out a whole bunch of stuff through that writing process. I want to share them, don't know why. For the sake of sharing?

I was writing out my anxiety and I realized that there's a certain period of time in my past which I try to compensate for by over-achieving in my present life. I realized I still feel guilty about that point in my life where I did very little and mainly escaped all my duties, responsibilities and problems into entertainment (video games, tv series, movies). I realized that if I hold on to the belief that I can compensate for my past by achieving a lot of stuff now, I will never make any progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can compensate for my past mistakes in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past is something I can change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept my past as my past, a period of time that was and is no more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that who I am is right here and right now and that the only moment in time where I am able to define myself is right now and that the only me I am able to define is the me who exists right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will judge, define and evaluate me according to my past actions, choices, thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive others as judging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that what I believe others to think of me is actually true when it is only my perception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the opinion of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that enough achievements will “pay for my sins”, in other words erase all my past mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for achievements in hope of a reward (compensation).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not strive for achievements for the sake of creating, constructing and bringing to existence something actually worth while.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive everything I do as “tasks” on a “checklist”, and thus everytime I get something done to see the completed “task” as an achievement from which I get a “reward” (recognition, admiration, positive feedback, acceptance).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the achievements I have accomplished and the achievements I haven't yet accomplished but am working on and thus will achieve “in the future”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an image of myself in the future and define myself accordingly in the present moment, as I have been scared of my past self defining me and thus created another image instead to override my past as the future is superior to the past, completely ignoring the fact that neither of them defines my present self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my life as past, present and future, when in fact it is just a series of present moments, as the past is nothing but memories of things that are no longer here and the future is nothing but images manifesting my current fears, hopes and expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-work myself and burn myself out in the hopes of in the end getting a reward, not realizing life is not about suffering in this moment so you can celebrate in the next.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity where in the other end there is reward and in the other end there's exhaustion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied with small consistent actions little by little adding up to form bigger results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself when I have not been satisfied with my achievements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as less than others when I have not been satisfied with my achievements, thus resorting to punishing myself mentally and physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others through achievements and to believe those achievements to be a valid measurement of my value, not realizing every human being has the same exact value based on humanity alone and having nothing to do with the social standards and norms I and most other people believe to be true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure as I fear it will define me irregardless of my own will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no power over defining myself and that what “happens” to me defines me, when in fact nothing just “happens” as I myself create everything I experience in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are judging me and change my behaviour accordingly, when in fact the only one whose assessment and observation of myself is the one to act upon is that of my own.

I commit myself to carry my responsibility of my growth and my process.

I commit myself to recognize when I am not here in this moment and to stop myself and bring myself back, register what happened and redirect myself from there.

I commit myself to no longer define myself according to my past or my future and instead define myself according to what is here now through honest self-expression.

I commit myself to support myself within my process – in this, I commit to no longer bring myself down, as it only slows down and even stops my process completely.

I commit myself to be honest about my motives when taking on a new assignement and when completing old ones – in this, I commit myself to work for what's best for all instead of working to get approval from external sources or to make myself feel “worthy”.

Viihteestä ja kärsimyksestä

Pari päivää sitten keskustelin ystävän kanssa omista viihteen merkitystä käsittelevistä pohdinnoistani. Olin kevään ajan valmistautuessani pääsykokeisiin kyseenalaistanut oman alani, sen tarkoituksen ja tämänhetkiset käyttötavat ja alkanut kartoittaa mahdollisia tapoja hyödyntää sitä rakentavammin. Kysyessäni ystävältäni, minkä hän näkee viihteen merkitykseksi, hän vastasi tämänsuuntaisesti: “Viihde tekee ihmiset onnelliseksi; se auttaa kestämään kaiken tämän kärsimyksen keskellä.” En osannut silloin vastata tähän mitään, mutta olen pyöritellyt toteamusta päässäni hiljaa ja yrittänyt pukea sanoiksi miksi se tuntuu väärältä.

Kärsimys on suhteellinen käsite. Jokainen kokee tuskaa omasta subjektiivisesta aistimusnurkkauksestaan omalla tavallaan, omaan kokemuspohjaansa suhteutettuna, enkä halua osoittaa ketään ja sanoa: “Sinun kärsimyksesi ei merkitse yhtä paljon kuin tuon toisen kärsimys. Sinä et kärsi oikeasti. Häpeä!” Olen kuitenkin oman kokemukseni kautta oppinut, että suurin osa länsimaisen ihmisen kärsimyksestä on itse tuotettua ja siten täysin irti päästettävissä.

Suurin osa valituksen aiheista kumpuaa pikkujutuista: ärsyttää kumppanin taipumus jättää likapyykkiä lojumaan, harmittaa töykeät bussikuskit, pistää vihaksi tien liepeillä killuvat paskanokareet. On hirveän helppo jäädä jumiin toisten syyttelyyn tiedostamatta milloinkaan omaa vastuutaan konfliktitilanteissa. “Miten niin minun vastuuni? En minä jättänyt hänen sukkiaan lattialle!” Aivan, itse teon vastuu ei olekaan sinulla, mutta vastuu konfliktin ratkaisemisesta on kaikilla sen osapuolilla. Näistä kaikista pahan mielen muodoista on mahdollisuus päästää irti esimerkiksi avoimen kommunikaation (“voisitko laittaa sukkasi pyykkikoriin”) tai oman esimerkin kautta (tervehtiä bussikuskia vaikkei koskaan saisi vastausta). Pienempi osa länsimaisen ihmisen kärsimyksestä koostuu “isoista” ongelmista, kuten toimeentulo-ongelmista tai vaikkapa perhekriiseistä. Näistäkin ulos pääseminen koostuu suureksi osaksi yksinkertaisuuksista, kuten oman vastuunsa kantamisesta, tavoitteidensa selkeyttämisestä ja niiden avoimesta kommunikoinnista asianosaisille, tai vaikka avun pyytämisestä kun sitä tarvitsee. Kaikki nämä ratkaisut ovat ulottuvillamme, toisin kuin maailmankolkissa, joissa esimerkiksi jokaisen ihmisen yhtäläinen arvo ei ole itsestäänselvyys, jolloin kommunikaatio on väkisinkin vinoutuneella pohjalla. Jos ratkaisu on näin helppo, miksi siis edelleen jokainen vastaantulija väittää elämän olevan kärsimystä?

Viihde siinä muodossa kuin sen käsitämme (tv, elokuvat, musiikki, teatteri, sarjakuvat, kirjat, pelit, päihteet, seksi) on polariteetti eli ääripää: viihteen kuluttaminen on toiminto, jonka tarkoitus on yksinomaan viihdyttää ja tuottaa nautintoa, vailla muita tarkoitusperiä. Universumin toiminta perustuu lainalaisuudelle, jossa luodessaan yhden polariteetin luo myöskin sen vastaparin – siispä tässä tapauksessa, jos ihminen on luonut itselleen nautinto-polariteetin, on hän luonut myös sen vastaparin, kärsimyksen. Kumpi oli ensin, tästä voitaneen kiistellä – ihmisen esimuodot ovat toki joutuneet taistelemaan olemassaolostaan, ja “viihde” lienee syntynyt niihin väleihin, kun ei ole tarvinnut taistella sapelihammastiikereitä vastaan. Siinä vaiheessa historiaa, kun länsimaisen ihmisen (ainakaan eliitin) ei ole enää tarvinnut huolehtia jokapäiväisestä selviämisestään, viihde nykymuodossaan lienee syntynyt täyttämään toimetonta elämää. Pointtini tässä on kuitenkin se, että koska viihde on niin nautinnollista ja mukavaa, siitä ei haluta enää päästää irti, jolloin viihteen olemassaolon jatkuessa ihmisten niin halutessa on myös kärsimyksen, toisen polariteetin, jatkuttava. Länsimaisen ihmisen “kärsimys” on vain perustelu eskapismin olemassaololle, syy saada paeta “ikäviä” asioita “mukaviin” asioihin.

Niillä ihmisillä, jotka tässä maailmassa “oikeasti” kärsivät (viittaan tällä niihin, jotka joutuvat päivittäin kamppailemaan eloonjäämisestään – ravinnosta, suojasta, lämmöstä, terveydestä - eli esimerkiksi kaikkiin konfliktialueilla eläviin siviileihin), ei ole mahdollisuutta saada käsiinsä viihdettä, saati halua “viihdyttää” itseään – he haluavat ratkaisun ongelmiinsa eivätkä keinoa paeta niitä hetkeksi. Tämän kokoluokan ongelmia ei voi paeta. Eri kulttuureissa on totta kai omat viihtymisen keinonsa, ja pelaavathan nälkiintyneet afrikkalaiset lapsetkin paljon jalkapalloa; kriisitilanteessa esimerkiksi yhteisöllisyyteen perustuvat “viihtymisen” muodot, kuten yhdessä laulaminen, voivat toimia todella voimaannuttavina kokemuksina. Tämä tilanne vain eroaa meidän jokapäiväisestä salkkarientuijottelustamme siten, että se ei ole vain ajantäytettä – se on viihdettä juuri sillä paikalla, jossa sillä on konkreettinen vaikutus.

truth be told

Muutaman päivän sisällä olen kokenut useammassa tilanteessa omakohtaisesti sen, miten ihmiset nousevat takajaloilleen kun mainitseekin käsitteen "totuus" - ikään kuin olisin sohaissut jonkinlaista yhä sinnittelevää tabua. En todella tiennyt että sellaisia vielä onkaan. Naivia, ehkä. Halu uskoa ihmisistä "enemmän" kuin mitä he ovat, varmasti. Potentiaalin olemassaolo ei tarkoita sen todennäköista hyödyntämistä.

Pari päivää sitten satuin osalliseksi keskusteluun sosiaalisessa mediassa. Kaveri ahdistui jotakin dilemmaansa, johon heitin pari ajatusta - suorasanaisia ja suhteellisen tiivistettyjä toteamuksia asioista, jotka koin todeksi. Keskusteluun liittyi kolmas osapuoli, joka kommentoi omaa kommenttiani "moralisoinniksi", koska en ollut tarkentanut kommentissani olleiden ajatusten olevan omia mielipiteitäni. Hän kaipasi fraasia "minun mielestäni". Oman kertomansa mukaan hän kokee aggressiota aina kun havaitsee muiden "julistavan omaa totuuttaan universaaliksi totuudeksi" (tarkistaisin tarkat sanamuodot, mutta kyseinen henkilö poisti jo omat kommenttinsa) - itsetutkiskelua vaativa pointti jo sinänsä, kuten kaikki aggressio. Koin kuitenkin myös itse vaatimuksen epäoleellisena. Tarkoitukseni ei ollut "moralisoida" tai esittää "universaaleja totuuksia", vaan osallistua keskusteluun heittämällä ajatuksia, kuten hedelmällisessä keskusteluympäristössä voi tehdä pelkäämättä kritiikin kohdistuvan henkilökohtaisuuksiin. Moralisoiva "äänensävy" oli tällöin lukijan itsensä omien pelkojensa ja epävarmuuksiensa pohjalta tekemä tulkinta.

Keskustelu jatkui ja sai aggressiivisempia ja hyökkäävämpiä sävyjä (enkä yritä nyt tehdä itsestäni uhria, mind you) ja oma toimintani sen suhteen perustui periaatteelle "jos kysytään, vastaa; jos et osaa, sano se suoraan". Hengitin, keskityin olemaan tässä, päästin irti tunnetiloista, pyrin itserehellisyyteen. Pyrin sanomaan kaiken niin selkeästi kuin osasin, samalla perustellen omia ajatuksiani myös itselleni - loistava haasteellinen tilanne kaiken kaikkiaan. Kaiken tämän keskellä tajusin olevani tilanteessa, joka on minulle aivan uusi: konflikti, jossa ensimmäistä kertaa pyrin seisomaan suorassa, olemaan alistumatta ja myöntymättä, olemaan myötäilemättä toisten argumentteja. Olen pitkään ollut taipuvainen "vakuuttumaan" tarpeeksi karismaattisesti tai hyvin perustellun oloisesti esitetyistä "totuuksista", vaikka tietäisin niiden olevan pielessä - olen sallinut itseni kääntää introverttiuteni niin alistuneeksi, että olen ollut kynnysmatto. En ole sitä enää.

Koska tämä tilanne oli minulle uusi ja minuun kohdistuva kyseenalaistaminen alkoi mennä jo asiattomaksi (kommenttini luettiin suodattimen läpi, jossa asenteeni nähtiin kusipäisenä ylimielisyytenä, ja se tuotiin ilmi karkean karikatyrisoinnin kautta - en kokenut sitä loukkaavana, mutta ymmärsin, että näistä lähtökohdista on mahdoton käydä enää keskustelua), aloin kokea turhautumista ja väsymistä, ja pysäytettyäni ne päätin että tämä keskustelu on tässä. Täytyy osata lopettaa.

Eräs lukioaikainen ystäväni halusi keskusteluissa usein kyseenalaistaa vain kyseenalaistamisen vuoksi - saattaakseen toisen turhautuneeseen umpikujaan ja voittaakseen keskustelun - ja kun kieltäydyin jatkamasta keskustelua joko toivottomuudesta tai silkkaa osaamattomuuttani, hän totesi voitonriemuisesti ääneen: "Emmi luovutti". Siksi koin vaikeaksi lähteä tänäisestä keskustelusta jo aiemmin, vaikka olisin voinut, ja olisin säästänyt itseltäni paljon itseni toistamista: olen oppinut ajatuksen, että keskusteleminen on "peli", jossa on "voittajia" ja "häviäjiä". En ole koskaan pitänyt siitä, ja olen ennemmin keskittynyt rakentavampiin keskustelun muotoihin, siten miten se on ollut keskustelukumppanien suhteen mahdollista. Kuitenkin nyt, kun osuin hyökkäyksen kohteeksi, asetuin taas osaksi peliä - en oman argumentointini, vaan pelkän aggressiiviseen keskusteluun osallistumisen kautta. Ei se ole keskustelua vaan väittely, eikä väittelyissä saavuteta mitään muuta kuin voitto sille, joka esittää argumenttinsa uskottavammin / karismaattisemmin.

Kun kehotin kanssakeskustelijoita tarkastelemaan sitä, miksi he reagoivat taipumattomuuteeni tällä tavalla (reaktio on merkki siitä, että jokin aiheutti sinussa impulssin reagoida - esimerkki: halu syödä suklaata sydänsuruihinsa ei ole sen sinut dumpanneen idiootin syytä, vaan merkki siitä, että sinulla oli odotuksia ja toiveita juuri päättyneen ihmissuhteen suhteen -> miksi asettaa odotuksia ylipäänsä -> impulssi syödä suklaata lähti omista peloistasi), vastaus oli, että laitan "vastuun viestinnän sujuvuudesta keskustelun kaikille muille osapuolille". Itse näen kantavani vastuuni keskustelussa olemalla ensisijaisesti itselleni (ja sen vaikutuksesta myös muille) rehellinen omien pelkojeni, odotusteni, tunteideni, motivaatioideni ja ajatusteni suhteen. Se on nähdäkseni vastuullisempaa kuin odottaa muilta vahvistusta omien pelkojensa olemassaololle (viitaten tällä totuuden julistajia vastaan koettuun aggressioon ja siten tiettyjen keskustelunormien vaatimiseen jotta itsellä olisi helpompi olla).

Mulla on ollut taipumus murentua vastarintaa kohdatessani, koska olen ottanut muiden kyseenalaistuksen henkilökohtaisena kritiikkinä, ja määritellyt itseni sen mukaan "huonommaksi". Tässähän olen ja korjaan sen synnyttämiä pelkotiloja, vääristynyttä minäkuvaa ja itseluottamusta. On hullua tajuta mikä määrä konfliktia mua vielä odottaa tällä tiellä. Better get used to it.

she's afraid of a light in the dark

Pelkäänkö muutosta?

Tajusin juuri sisäänpäinkääntyneisyyteni olevan ympäröivän todellisuuden pelkäämistä. En ole aina joka ikisessä tilanteessa introvertti, sillä esimerkiksi teatterilla koen oloni parhaimmillaan niin turvalliseksi, että uskallan ilmaista itseäni pelkäämättä ja kohdata muut ihmiset pelkäämättä. Ongelma onkin siinä, että teatteriryhmä on rakennettu illuusio erillään yhteiskunnasta, joten jos en saa sitä samaa vapauden ja luottamuksen tuntua rakennettua itsestäni lähteväksi, en voikaan kohdata maailmaa täysin auki. Maailma ei taputa ketään päähän, tee myönnytyksiä ja lakkaa olemasta uhkaava. Minä vaikutan maailman uhkaavuuden jatkumiseen omalla pelollani – kaikki aggressio on pelkoa.

Siksi olen ihmissuhteissa aina kääntynyt sisäänpäin: olla niin lähellä toista ihmistä, monin tavoin alasti ja ehdotonta luottamusta vaatien on ollut liian pelottavaa. Tajusin tämän kun aloin pohtia sitä, miksen osaa antaa ihmissuhteessa toiselle niin negatiivista kuin positiivistakaan palautetta. Tosiasia on se, että en ole oikeasti läsnä. Jos olisin läsnä ja aistisin ympäröivän todellisuuden sellaisena kuin se on, olisin tässä ja olisin nyt, ja jos itseilmaisuni olisi vapaata, palaute kumpuaisi luonnollisesti juuri niissä hetkissä kun palautteelle syntyy aihetta.

Ympäröivän maailman pelko juontaa lapsuuteen, kuten aiemmin tajusin, enkä voi siis syyttää omista pelkotiloistani esimerkiksi ketään seurustelukumppaneistani. Olen aiemmin vedonnut muiden tekemiin vääryyksiin ja niiden aiheuttamiin traumoihin, vaikka todellisuudessa olen vain luonut syntipukin jonka taakse paeta ongelmieni todellisia syitä. Jokainen tähän astinen seurustelusuhteeni on ollut pelkoni ja täten sisäänpäinkäätyneisyyteni kyllästämää ja raskauttamaa.

Näiden asioiden kohtaaminen, työstäminen ja niistä irti päästäminen tuntuvat ahdistavilta, koska ajatus siitä, että olisin joskus peloton ja vapaa kohtaamaan todellisuuden on itsessään pelottava ajatus. Onko minusta siihen? Miksei olisi? On yleisesti hyväksyttyä elää vaikka koko elämänsä omien tekosyidensä takana ja tukea muiden kulisseja. Sanon itseni irti siitä leikistä.

Pelätä toista ihmistä, pelätä tuomituksi tulemista, pelätä omaa riittämättömyyttään, pelätä epäonistumisia, pelätä omaa ilmaisuaan - pelätä itseänsä. Kaikki palaa itseen.

Palatakseni tähän hetkeen tilanteessa kuin tilanteessa kaikki tilanteet on purettava rakennuspalikoihinsa. Kaikki kohtaamiset on aloitettava perusasioista. On pelottavaa alkaa rikkoa totuttuja kaavoja tietyn ihmisen kanssa irroittamalla niistä kaikista hengittämällä ja olemalla tässä, olematta automaattiohjauksella, mutta kerta kerralta se muuttuu helpommaksi, muutos vähemmän pelottavaksi. Henkäys henkäykseltä, sykähdys sykähdykseltä, sana sanalta, katse katseelta, liike liikkeltä, kosketus kosketukselta minä muutun.